Page 8 of Defy
"Wonderful," Shelly beams clasping her hands together. "The poor thing has had a rough start, but she has proven to be a fighter. She definitely has a will to live. Let me get her for you."
I watch as the nurse carefully, yet expertly, reaches inside the incubator and picks up the little girl known as Baby Doe. My heart aches at the thought of an innocent life lying inside this hospital without as much as a name. Without anyone to claim her, to love her. Pushing those thoughts away, I hold out my arms as Shelly steps in front of me, placing the baby in my arms.
As soon as I cradle her to my chest and her eyes open, I swear with everything I am, time stops. I can't explain it. All I know for sure is that at this moment my life is forever changed. I have this overwhelming need to take care of this baby. To protect her. I don't know how much time passes and how long I sit here rocking this precious bundle in my arms, all I know is I never want to put her down.
"Mrs. Kane," the nurse, interrupts me sometime later. "I'm sorry, but visitation hours ended thirty minutes ago," she informs me.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it had gotten so late."
"It's alright. You two looked so content, I didn't have the heart to tell you earlier. I figured a few extra minutes wouldn't hurt," the nurse says with a wink.
"Well, I appreciate it," I smile. Looking down at a now sleeping Baby Doe, I kiss her forehead with a promise to return soon before Shelly takes her from me and places her back in the incubator.
With every step I take in the opposite direction of the NICU; I feel nothing but longing. Leaving her feels so wrong. By the time I make it to the parking lot and into my car, I can no longer hold back my tears. Every part of me is screaming to go back inside and hold her a little longer. I know that's not possible though. I knew this journey would be difficult when I signed up for it.
Emerson did all she could to explain to me, to try and make me understand how hard seeing sick babies can be, and how some babies will never make it out of the hospital. But nothing she said could have prepared me for the life changing connection I feel, and how leaving Baby Doe behind would be heart-shattering. How can a mother or any person abandon a baby? I don't know the answer to that, nor will I ever be able to understand how a person can do such a horrible thing. What I do know is I want to show that baby she is wanted, and most importantly I want to show her she is loved.
* * *
A few more days have passed withme spending every evening at the hospital. It is now Thursday, and Emerson is sitting on the edge of my bed as I pack for mine and Logan's trip.
"So, Shelly says you have become quite fond of Baby Doe," Emerson speaks up. When I look at her, she has a look of concern.
"Yes, I have become attached to her," I say over my shoulder as I walk into my closet to retrieve my suitcase. Plopping it down on the bed, I sit down beside Emerson and let out a deep sigh. "I don't know how to explain it, Em. I feel a connection to her. Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Of course not, you're not crazy, you're human. What you are giving that baby is wonderful. With so many emotions involved, I worry about you. Eventually, the baby will get better, and she will be released from the hospital and into the care of the state."
My stomach clenches. I don't want to think about her becoming a ward of the state. The possibility she could be shuffled around from one foster home to the next. I've heard enough horror stories about the system to know of the things that can happen to that sweet baby. "Has the hospital heard from her mother or any family?"
"No, nothing. I don't think we will either," Em confesses. When I think about it, her biological mother wouldn't be any better of choice than the state. "Look, let's not think about the what ifs right now. Baby Doe still has a little longer before she will be released from the hospital. Don't worry yourself to death right now. Focus on you and Logan and this trip you are about to go on, okay?" Emerson is right, but not worrying is easier said than done. "Will it be okay if I call every day while I'm gone, to check up on the baby?"
Reaching over Emerson squeezes my hand, "Of course. I'll make it a point to stop by the NICU everyday to check up on her."
"Thanks, Em," I say letting out a relieved breath. Patting my hand, "You're welcome. Now come on. You have some packing to do. I love Seattle, you and Logan will have a great time. Don't worry about anything here while you are gone. I promise everything will work out, you'll see." As I continue to pack all I can do is pray she is right.
