Page 60 of Bound By Fate
Her words were burning a hole in my soul.But this was what I wanted, right?
“But here’s the thing, Katie. You’re my sister, and I love you. Don’t you think I know if you had any other choice you would’ve taken it? You didn’t, and if calling me to come to you meant those assholes stopped hurting you, then I’d expect that phone call. I’d be pissed as hell if you didn’t. If it took only five minutes of your pain away, I would do that for you. You think I’d leave you there? Never. And if I had lost you, unable to get to you, I wouldn’t be the same. You are a piece of me, Katie.”
“I should’ve just died. Then you wouldn’t have to have those memories or scars. You never would have been at risk of leaving Remy motherless.”
She squeezed my hand and pulled me back into what she was saying, cutting me off for a change. I was falling back down the rabbit hole, and she sensed it.
“None of what happened is your fault. None of it, Katie. That was Daniel and his demented followers thinking they had the rights to both you and me. That wasn’t you, and it wasn’t me. You’re the one they kidnapped. They did this.”
“You don’t get it…” I tried, but she continued.
“The guilt lies with them, Katie. Not on us. We are survivors of that ordeal. We stayed strong and lived. Now maybe you think you would’ve made different choices if you had to go back in time.”
I nodded.
“The choices you made helped us to save you. Do you think I could’ve lived with myself if you had died, Katie? You think I could just go on making pancakes for Remy with a smile on my face if you were taken away from me? No, Katie, and that’s what you need to understand. I couldn’t live my life knowing that you gave yours up for mine. We’re a team. We have been since we were born, but when we left home we became stronger.”
I listened to everything she said, but I felt it more. “I hear what you’re saying, but please hear me. The guilt I have inside eats away at me every single day. It’s part of my soul now. A dark, lonely place where it threatens to take over each day. I want to feel the way you do. I want to be free of all this, but I don’t know how or if it’s even possible.”
“Then we find someone who knows how, and we get you sorted,” Ensley said instantly. “If I can’t help you work though this, then we find a doctor to help. I know quite a few that I’d trust with you.”
“My head’s a mess, Ens. I’d thought it was before when we lived at home, but that was nothing compared to now. Those men took something from me. What, I don’t know exactly, but whatever it was died with them that day. I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.”
Ensley squeezed my hand. “Yes, you will.” She had so much determination and conviction in her tone that I wanted to believe her. “You will because you are strong. You don’t think so now, but you will eventually. You’ll see what I do. What those fuckers did to you was beyond horrible. I had no idea what really happened because you never told me. I tried…”
I cut her off. “I know you did. And there were so many times I just wanted to tell you and have someone I could talk to about it, but in my head I didn’t deserve that. It was part my penance to live with it.”
“Penance? You’re talkin’ about the fucked-up shit from home. You’re not there anymore, Katie. You’re here where there are different opportunities, and we can make our own rules. You don’t take penance for someone else’s actions. They deserved punishment, and they got it rotting in Hell.”
“Do you really believe that? That they are in hell? I mean, since we’re not in that world anymore.” God, I hoped they were. They didn’t deserve to be anywhere near Heaven.
“Damn straight I do. The only reason I do is because they believed that was where they were going if they burned. They needed to pay for what they’d done, and I swear to you they are. It’s on them, never you.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I closed my eyes then opened them. “What they did to me wasn’t love. It was anger. That I know. It’s just still hard when my mind goes there. I want more than anything for it to stop. Dryerson woke me up from a nightmare last night. We talked. Every word he said helped.”
Ensley smiled. “And then what happened?”
I felt my cheeks blush. “He made love to me. That’s what us being together is, but I try so hard to push him away, and each time it kills me inside.”
“This is fate’s way of telling you to stop pushing. You love him, and he loves you. Fuck everything else and focus on that. Focus on the good. Can you just try that for me?”
I nodded slightly as she pulled me into her body once more. “Love you, Katie.”
“Love you too, Ens.”
19
DRYERSON
Fuck me.Angry? Fuck no. I was livid. Absolutely wanting to punch the hell out of something or someone. I paced the room Katie and I had made love in for the first time like a caged animal ready to strike. I needed something to punch, but I wasn’t leaving Katie. Never again.
“Man. You need to calm your shit,” Micah said, lounging on the bed while I was, in fact, losing my shit.
“You don’t think I know that?” I snapped, running my hands through my hair. I closed my eyes and took in deep breaths. Looking to Micah, I felt that dagger in my chest twisting and turning until it bled. “Five guys, Micah. Did you hear that shit? They took turns. Over and over. I didn’t get to her soon enough. I didn’t protect her from their assault.”
Cry or anger. Anger please. It was emotion I could handle. Crying didn’t solve anything. Anger, though, was a motivator to keep fighting. And I was fighting for Katie. She was mine.
“That’s why she’s gonna need you now more than ever.”
