Page 2 of Bound By Fate
Damaged.
Scarred.
That day would forever be part of me; and my decision to drag my sister into it only heightened my million regrets.
If I could go back in time and change my response, I would do it in an instant. I would’ve taken everything Daniel had to give me just so Ensley and Remy could be happy. So she wouldn’t have almost lost her life and endured one second of pain.
But I couldn’t get in my DeLorean space car and travel back in time. Where the hell was Marty McFly when you needed him? Heck, I really needed Doc.Back to the Futurewas a movie Ensley and I watched over and over when we first found freedom. We laughed through all the antics each time. Now, I wished fiction could be reality just this once so I could right the wrong I’d created that day. The wrong that had scarred my soul and my sister forever more.
Instead, my actions were a gaping black wound on my soul. The mark was so deep there was no way it would heal. It would never go away.
It was a forever reminder that I could’ve taken Remy’s mother away from her. That guilt was a lead weight on my shoulders, wearing me down. I could’ve destroyed her new life.
Even looking at Ensley and Micah now together, happy, loving, and living their best lives didn’t elevate the pain I felt every single day for my choices. If anything, it made them worse knowing they could’ve gotten to this place faster if it weren’t for me.
Truthfully, I was utterly surprised my sister could even look me in the eyes and not wish she could spear flames out of them, killing me on contact. I deserved it, yet every time she saw me she smiled like I wasn’t the biggest screw-up in her life.
She had never blamed me. Never put anything on my shoulders about that day. She didn’t have to, though, because I put enough there for the both of us. I was barely standing upright as it was and felt like at any moment I’d be crushed by the weight of my regret. Each day was pulling me under further.
Brushing my hair back with my hands, I turned the water off, rang out my hair, and grabbed a towel off the rack.
Drying off took no time at all; the scratchiness of the cotton fabric against my skin was nowhere near the punishment I deserved. It would need to be a cheese grater to even touch the surface. It would only add to the marks on my body that would never go away. Wrapping my hair up came with ease from years of practice.
The mirror was covered in a wet fog, and I swiped it with my forearm making an arc and removing the condensation.
The view stopped me in my tracks just as it did every other day. The woman staring back at me, I didn’t know her. She was a stranger, a ghost from the past. She wasn’t me. Did I really know this woman’s likes and dislikes? Or where to go with my life? Or even that I had a life in the first place?
A tear rolled down my cheek. Then another. And another. Silent but so very powerful. Each slicing at a piece of my soul.
I had no idea how to stop the perpetual cycle rotating in my head every minute of every day telling me the same things over and over again.
I was worthless.
Useless.
Pointless.
Inconsequential.
I had no significance whatsoever. Sad thing was, this started when I was born and had never stopped. If anything, it was worse now...
The hazel eyes that gazed back at me were worn, tired, frustrated and exhausted, reflecting what I felt on the inside. Which wasn’t good.
I’d taken great pains in masking my emotions these past few months. Difficult wasn’t even the half of it, but necessary. My sister would worry, and she didn’t deserve that. She needed to be with her family and live the life she’d always wanted. Her worry of me would be a lost effort, and I’d rather she put that energy into Remy and Micah.
Therefore, the mask would fall down over me. I’d plaster a smile on my face and fake it.
Fake it till you make it, right? Or, at least, I’d heard that somewhere. It was getting harder and harder to fake every time I was around Ensley. She knew me so well, and even one small slip she’d see.
Anyone else around me wouldn’t notice, but she would, and I needed to protect her; something I should’ve done six months ago. Now, I’d do it with everything inside of me.
I sighed deep, murmuring, “Pull it together, Katie. You got this.” I tried on the smile, and it looked weak, but it would have to do. Deep breaths. I could do this.
Time to get ready, or I’d be late. On an exhale, I did just that, putting a full face of makeup on, my ‘war paint’ and blow-dried my hair with a wide roller brush. Luckily, I was blessed with thick, straight hair and since it was long, I only had to dry it and let it do its thing. Most of the time it ended up in a messy bun on the top of my head when I was home. But when I was out, I let it hang down, and I put a ton of time and products in it to make it gleam. It was actually something I liked about myself, which wasn’t easy to come by, especially these days. It was just hair after all.
My apartment wasn’t anything fancy, not that I needed fancy. It was actually reminiscent of the one Ensley and I shared with my niece Remy back before she reconnected Micah, except this one only had one bedroom. A galley kitchen was in the middle of the space with the living room before it and the bedroom after. The bathroom was off to the side along with the water heater and furnace. Simple. Clean.
The space, while small, worked for me. A single woman and all. While I loved staying with Ensley at Micah’s place for the few months after the kidnapping, they needed their time together. And I needed space.
