Page 31 of Bound By Redemption
“Bullshit,” Princess objected, grabbing one of the knives from the huge butcher block and coming to stand by me. She gave my hip a little check, and I moved over for her. “You look like someone kicked your puppy.”
“I don’t have a puppy,” I retorted.
“Smartass. Seriously, talk to me.” She grabbed a carrot and started slicing. She had this fast way of doing it like I’d only seen on cooking shows before. Like she was a world-renowned chef or something.
Was there anything Princess couldn’t do? I was thinking the answer was no.
I never had a mother like Princess to push me or cared. No one to stand up for me or ask me if I was feeling like shit and why. This was what being a part of Ravage was. Family. Love. Community. This place was really growing on me.
“It’s just been a crazy day.” While I wanted to ask about Micah and Emery, I didn’t want to talk to her about it. She was great, don’t get me wrong. She was very direct, and most of the time I loved that. Got a band aid, rip it off. Done. This, though, this for me needed a bit more finesse.
My heart could rip with the damn band-aid at this rate, and I needed to protect it as much as possible.
“We’ll get to the bottom of it, Ensley. So fuckin’ sorry Remy saw that shit.” She scooped up her cut carrot and put it into a large bowl.
“Me too. She’s goin’ around sayin’ ‘boom’ to everyone who asks her how she’s doing. She’ll forget that, right?” At least that was my hope, that the explosion memory wouldn’t last long and I’d be able to wipe it clean from her small little brain.
“Not gonna sugar coat it. There’s a chance that she’ll always remember it. You’ll have to watch her and see if she cries or jumps at loud noises. See how she is around fireworks. Hell, how she is around fires. It could turn out that she’s completely fine and that’s what I’m hoping for, but if she’s not, then we work together to help her out of that shit.”
I stopped chopping, my mind whirling. House bombs wasn’t something that any of my mothers talked about when I was young. Hell, they didn’t even talk about trauma for a child. Google was going to be my friend for a while it seemed.
Being a mother was damn hard work. And I had a feeling the work never stopped. It didn’t matter how old Remy got, I’d always be working my ass off to give her what she needed physically and emotionally.
“I see you’re freakin’ out,” Princess said as I shook my head and got back to cutting. At least putting my focus on the orange veggie helped. “That’s normal for a momma. I want you to look at this situation like this. What can you teach Remy? What can she learn from it? If you answer those questions, the rest of it will fall into place.”
I began to cut again. “This parenting stuff is hard.” While I was all for teachable moments, finding a good reason why wasn’t working in my brain.
“Try having twins who are hellions,” she grumbled to me, nudging my shoulder.
“I heard that!” Austyn called out from the other end of the kitchen. She was at the stove dumping cubes of roast meat into a large pot filled with beef broth.
“Good! You two damn near kill me every day!” Princess smiled. Her kids were her life. No matter what hell they’d put her through, she’d fight and die for them.
There were times when I thought back to my childhood and how different it would’ve been if Princess was my mother instead of my own. How different growing up here with her instead of in the horrible environment that was put upon me?
I had to admit there was a tiny bit of jealousy seeing her interact with her children. But I put that jealousy inside and made it a goal to give my daughter better. My little one wouldn’t feel any of the things bestowed to me. She would be loved. She wouldn’t be forced to do anything she didn’t want to do. She would grow up happy, safe, and loved.
Sometimes I wondered if Austyn realized how lucky she was to be born into this family and not one like mine. Would she have rebelled? Or would she go with the status quo?
The biggest thing that people didn’t realize was when you were born into a life, it was all you knew. There was no outside. There were no what-ifs. Life was XYZ and there wasn’t anything to be done about it. You followed those rules, no questions asked.
It wasn’t until I started breaking free from the clutches around me, watching television in town or getting a magazine to read that I realized the outside world was so much bigger than the one my parents had created for me. And their parents for them.
Then I kicked myself because I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone. How one lived this time on earth should be their decision, not the decision of everyone around them. Thinking of the what could’ve, would’ve, should’ve didn’t get anyone anywhere. It turned into a vicious circle, spinning around and never escaping its clutches.
“You mean Nox and Cooper drive you crazy. Not me. I’m a perfect little angel,” Austyn replied, tossing more meat into the pot. The smells were starting to fill the space, and it made my stomach rumble.
Princess said to me under her breath, “Just hope that Remy doesn’t turn out like her.”
She was completely joking, and I knew that, but I still had to say, “I’d be happy if she turned out like Austyn, Princess. It would make me damn proud.”
Princess shocked the shit out of me because there was a small bit of wet in the corner of her eye at my words. She, of course, fought it back and didn’t let it fall, but I saw it there for the briefest of moments then vanished like a ghost.
She lowered her voice again. “Don’t tell her, but she’s damn awesome.”
“I heard that!” Austyn yelled, and I laughed. Their banter was amazing, and I hoped to feel this way with Remy one day.
“What? She said I was damn awesome. Can you blame her?” I yelled back at Austyn who burst out laughing.
