Page 78 of Bound by Wreckage
Closing the door, I make my way down the hallinto an empty clubhouse. I hear talking behind a door and a light shines underneath it. He’s probably in there, and as much as I want to tell him bye and thank him for everything he did for me, I can’t. Because I caused this, and that guilt will never allow me to breathe easy.
I hate myself. Nox was the one person to touch me in a way that was pure and kind. And I did this. I started itall because I needed one more look at him before he left.
Opening the door to the clubhouse, the darkness of the early morning hours has brought on a chill, but it’s the only thing that makes me know I’m alive.
Therefore, I don’t reach in and grab a sweatshirt; instead, I let it turn my skin cold.
Not long ago, I felt this power inside me that I could actually make a go outof this life. I thought I’d be free, even though those guys came after me; I held my ground and felt so damn good about it. Nox telling me he was proud of me made it ten times better because I did it myself. I relied on myself to get out of that situation, proving that I can.
Now, none of that matters. A man lies in the cold ground and his family hurts for him. Guilt is an emotion thathurts worse than the bruises, hits, and kicks. It’s one that will never heal. It will never fade. It will never disappear. It will always be there, and I can’t do that to Nox. Not one more second.
I turn to the right and head to the parking lot, just needing to get far enough away from the clubhouse that I won’t be heard. There’s a park not too far from here. My mom took me there when Iwas younger, pushing me on the swing and on the merry-go-round. I’ve always loved that place because I always felt free there.
Now, I need to be free again and this is the only way.
“Where are you goin’?” comes a woman’s voice from behind me, and I stop knowing exactly who it is. I don’t want to turn around and face her because she’ll feel the same way that Nox does. For someonewho was so kind to me and accepting in her own way, I don’t want to see the pain and hurt.
She doesn’t need me around here.
“I’m leaving,” I say as I begin to walk.
“No. You’re gonna stop.”
No, I’m not going to stop and see her like this. I’m not going to listen to what a fuck up I am, because I know it better than anyone else. My feet keep moving as I hear it. A gunexplodes behind me, kicking up the dirt at my feet, but I don’t jump. For once something scared the shit out of me, but I didn’t move.
If only she would’ve shot further up.
Slowly, I turn around and Princess sits on a picnic bench, gun in her hand aimed at me.
“Do I need to actually shoot you?” she asks.
“Please do.” Yep, I’ve given up. There is no more fight insideof me. There isn’t anything besides emptiness, and it needs to all stop. The hollow void in me is eating me from the inside out. I just want it to be done.
“Where are you goin’?” she asks again, not taking her eyes off me. I have my gun in the back of my pants, but I’d never use it—on her. And I don’t want to. I only brought it for one thing and one thing only.
“Leaving. Gettingout of all your lives.”
“And what happens when that asshole finds you?”
“He won’t,” I answer immediately, knowing this path will be the end of it all.
“You’re smarter than that.” She’s not wrong. I am, but I also know what will be done in the next few minutes and she, nor her family, will have to deal with my wreckage. It will be over, finally.
She studies me when Isay nothing and there is no more energy left in me to care about what she sees. I’m done. Over. Finished.
“Nox won’t like that.” Her gun is still aimed at me, and hope blooms that she’ll just pull the damn trigger already. It will only take the one bullet right to the forehead to make all the despair and guilt disappear. Nox, right now, doesn’t want me around him any more than the restof the club does. “Don’t think I can let ya do that to my boy.”
Princess’ face gets blurry as water hits my eyes, and hurt is laced in my voice. “I’ve caused him, you, this entire club too much. It’s better if I just disappear. I’m sorry…” My words get caught in my throat, and I try to push down the burn that threatens to spill out. “I’m just sorry.”
“So you’re sorry and you’re gonnatake off in the middle of the night? Away from my boy?” She stares me down, but I have nothing left to give. I’m empty. Void. Nothing. Back to what I was when I lived with Buck. This broke me. I’d thought I was broken before, but doing this to Nox, to his family, is something that can never be fixed. The look of disappointment Nox had when he left me in his room will forever be etched in my brain.There will be nothing I can do to make this better, except disappear.
“It’s best I get out of his life now. Then he can be happy.” Silent tears roll down my face, and my throat begins to constrict. Yes, I’d rather have physical pain than this.
“You think he’s not happy with you.”
I shake my head. “Not with everything I’ve cost him.” The look on Nox’s face pierces through me,threatening to crack my heart further.
She slowly lowers the gun, but it gives zero relief. She should’ve just pulled the trigger and gotten it over with.
