Page 56 of Bound by Wreckage
18
Carsyn/Ava
St. Louis sucks.I liked Nashville so much better. There’s a smog that hangs in the sky over the city, and there are too many cars going every which way all the time. At least where I am, next to one of the largest interstates.
All the time I hearthe cars, horns and semis jake braking, each sound making me jump.
Being holed up in this hotel is driving me nuts. It’s much nicer than my old place, but it’s also more expensive and I had to use the credit card Nox gave me.
Everything I own is inside a backpack and one bag with my letters stuck in the bottom. Luckily, whoever was in my room didn’t shred my clothes. The only goodpart of this entire scenario.
I didn’t get to tell Sondra bye or even call my job to tell them I quit. Everything happened so damn fast. Luckily, no one followed me—at least that I saw.
Sitting in the middle of the bed, I stare at the blank television screen. Nothing holds my interest. My mind races with all the different scenarios that could happen and how I’d get out of them. Forexample, Buck comes to the door and I jump out the window that’s five stories high. That’s a great one.
They break in the door and I shoot; I miss and they capture and shoot me.
I’m not cut out for this on the run stuff. Yes, it’s much better than living with Buck, but is it really living? Looking over your shoulder when you walk down the street or eyeing the driver of the bus becauseyou don’t know if he’s going to call Buck and turn me in.
Hell, even at the grocery store when people look at me more than a second the paranoia sets in.
Nox wanted me to find a small bit of happy, but when I found it in Nashville, I had to leave. Now here, I don’t know anyone again and need to find a job if I decide to stay. The way my time has been here, I’ll probably be movingon.
Maybe instead of the big city, I need to find a small out of the way town, where I can get lost because it’s not on the map.
Pulling out the paper map of Missouri I got from the front desk, I search around. Nothing pops out at me, and wherever I go there needs to be a bus route to it.
Nox would know what to do.One call.As much as I’d love to make that call, it’s impossibleespecially now with the thought of Buck on my tail.
How the hell did he find me?
Panic sets in as I think of all the possibilities. Does he know my new name? Did he go to Gunny and Sharon’s house? Are they hurt? Will he be able to find me now?
He will if he knows my name because I used that damn card. Hair in my hands, tears fall from my face. This is worse than I imaginedit being; living, going place to place, and trying to find somewhere to hide the rest of my life.
That’s no way to live. Neither is going home with Buck.
My stomach twists as I fall back to the bed watching the ceiling fan go around and around. It would’ve been better if I had the balls to dip the razor blade deeper into my arm. I’d be free. Really free. No one would’ve cared. Buckprobably would’ve buried me outside the clubhouse, and no one would be the wiser.
At least if I weren’t breathing, I wouldn’t be here.
Crying, I fall asleep.
**
His hands come to my throat and grip me so hard I can’t breathe. I’m gasping, trying to get much needed oxygen, but it won’t enter my lungs. Fuck.
I sit up straight, sucking my lungs full of air rapidlywhile gripping my throat. The dream still has its hold on me as I try to shake it off. Thunder claps loudly outside, and flashes of light filter through the night sky.
That must’ve been what work me up.
Clutching my gun, I turn on the light.
Will I ever get a full night of sleep? That answer is no.
After splashing some water on my face, I pick up the backpack and pulla few things out so I can get to the bottom. I had to ditch the metal case where my mother’s letters were and stuffed them in the bottom of the bag. I can only carry so much, but I have them and they’re safe.
Flipping through the envelopes, some have Buck’s name while others have mine. They are all opened with what looks like an opener because there are no tears. Someone took time to openthese gently so they wouldn’t get damaged. While I’m assuming it’s Buck, it’s just a guess. He could’ve stolen these from her house for all I know.
