Page 90 of Bound by Wreckage
She shakes her head. “No, about stickin’ around to be with my boy.”
I closemy eyes remembering what was going to happen that night. That all the pain would disappear and I thank whatever powers that be, Princess, that I didn’t do it.
Nox told me he loves me and wants to take me—yes, me—out on an actual date. If I would’ve followed through with my plan, I would’ve missed it. Another moment taken away from me, that I now get to take back and make it mine.
My mother used to talk about inner strength a lot, and reading her letters really has it on my mind. I survived Big Jim and Cary D. I lived on my own making ends meet. While I’d never want to go through that again, it has made me the woman I am today.
I’m going to find that strength again. I’m going to find that confidence. I’m going to make something out of this life because I have oneand it won’t go to waste.
“Yeah.”
“Shit happens in life and sometimes we’re at fault, but other times we’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s after we pull through that shit is when we rebuild. It’s time for you to rebuild, Carsyn.” She nods to my tattoo of the word ‘damaged’ on my forearm. “We’re all damaged in some way. On the inside or the outside, it’s there. It’sall in how you view the damaged parts of yourself. For instance, me, I have a scar.” She points to a mark on the side of her face. She has to tip her head for me to see it.
“This I got takin’ care of my boy, Cooper, many years ago by a psychotic bitch. Yes, it damaged me, but I’m here. My boy’s here. And she’s the one six feet under.”
This shocks me, but I don’t ask more about it.Instead I ask, “So you’re telling me all the times men touched me I need to look at the positive of it?” That’s damn absurd.
“No. Those men should’ve never touched you. Those actions brought you here, to my boy, to my family. That’s the somethin’ to hold on to. You lived it. Survived it. Now it’s time to really live your life. Free.”
“Yeah.” For once in my life, I truly, honestly,feel like all the strings that attached me to Buck are broken.
Now it’s time to live.
**
“Do I look okay?” I ask Austyn nervously, who’s smile beams up at me like there shouldn’t be a care in the world. She’s wrong. So very, very wrong.
My emotions are all over the damn place. From butterflies in my stomach to feeling like I’m going to throw up; to excitementthat I get to do something new and fear just the same. But it’s not the same kind of fear I had before.
This is the fear of the unknown or unexpected. Nox would never hurt me, that I have no doubt. It’s just the fear of something new taking root and not knowing how it will turn out.
Now that I think about it, I like this fear so much better than the other.
This is more thannerves, though. It’s the wonderment of what do I do, how do I act. What is expected of me. It’s all of these questions rolled into one, and I have no idea.
“You’re beautiful, but if you don’t calm your shit, you’re either going to throw up or pass out. Neither of which is going to help you.”
My mouth gets dry and hands start to get clammy. “That obvious, huh?”
She chuckles.“Babe, you can’t sit still while I curl your hair. One wrong bounce and you’ll be meeting the end of my iron at this rate.”
That’s when I notice that yes, my leg is bouncing like a damn plane gearing up to take off the runway. I stop the movements, but it’s hard.
“What do I do, Austyn? I have no idea.”
She sets the curling iron down and turns the chair so she’s looking directlyat me. “You do nothing, Carsyn. Let all the shit that you think you need to be get tossed out the fucking window. My brother likes you for you. You don’t change that. You be you. He’ll be his annoying self, and you’ll have a great time.”
“I’ve never done this before.”
“A date?” I shake my head, and she bites her lip. “Here’s the run down. He’s a biker so you’ll be on the back ofhis bike, no skirts or shorts because you’ll be uncomfortable. He may take you for a ride around Sumner or somewhere he loves going. He’ll take you to eat and you’ve already done both of those together, correct?”
I nod, taking in every single word she tells me.
“Then you’ll get back on his bike, you’ll go back to his place—which good luck there—or go back to the clubhouse. And whateveryou do from there is up to you. Me, I’m not thinking about that shit because he’s my brother.”
“That simple huh?”
Her warm smile lights up her face. “Yeah. Being with a man should be simple. You fit together like puzzle pieces creating a whole. There are always bumps in the road, but at the end of the day, you’re made of each other and it just works. If my brother is the one foryou, your pieces will fit together perfectly and you do nothing but sit back, relax, and be you.”
