Page 77 of Bound by Wreckage
26
Carsyn
It’s my fault.Dagger died because I got Nox involved in my messed up, fucked up life. If I would’ve just stayed inside the clubhouse that day and not taken one more look at Nox before he went, he wouldn’t have stopped to talk to me. He wouldn’t have approachedme at the store. Nor would he have asked me to meet him again at the laundromat or gave me the out that he generously gave without hesitation.
And now—all of those actions led to the death of someone Nox cares deeply about because of my stupidity. Because I wanted one more look. One more chance to talk to him. One more grasp at a life I’d never have even if it was only for a second.
I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. It was selfish—all of it is selfish.
All this time I’ve worried about Nox getting hurt in the crossfire, when I should’ve thought about his entire club. All the people that he loves and would do anything for.
Yeah. I should’ve thought about all of them and not my selfishness to grasp on to something that has never been in the cards forme.
Because of me, Dagger is dead.
Nox hates me now because he sees it too.
If he wouldn’t have met me, this wouldn’t have happened and his brother would be alive.
Pain like no other slices through my chest.
I should’ve just stayed with Buck. Not called Nox to come and get me out of that hell, or I should’ve made the blade go in deeper. Then Nox wouldn’t be hurt.I’d be out of the hell I’d been in, and his friend would be alive.
Knowing this, I roll out of bed and toss on my clothes, filling my backpack with what little I have left. Checking my money stash, it isn’t a lot, but it doesn’t need to be. Making sure the gun is loaded and behind my back, I sweep my hair up into a ponytail and put my backpack on.
Looking around Nox’s room, tearsfall from my eyes as the sadness grips me on what could’ve been. It’s worse to have something, know how good it is, then have it ripped from your grasp. But Nox has always been out of my grasp.
“I’m so sorry, Nox.” The whisper is quiet, holding every ounce of pain I have inside.
All of this has to end. Every bit of it.
I refuse to go back to Buck, and I also refuse to hurtNox or his family any more than I already have. Living though, isn’t really living for me I’ve learned. Looking over my shoulder at every turn, trying to keep the appearance of normal when I’m anything but. All of it I should’ve never done.
When I was a kid, my mother would talk to me about everything that I could do with my life. Different jobs that would take me all around the countrybecause she thought it was exciting to try new places. She had these dreams for me to make something of myself and give back to the world. Her free spirit had me believing that anything is possible.
That I could achieve any goal that I set forth in this life.
Whether it be to work at a desk job, or go out exploring. She’d opened my mind to all the possibilities.
After shedied, I lost that. I lost me. Every year with Buck, pieces of me disappeared. She disappeared.
Reading her letters helped for a while. But now, with what I’ve done to the only man who’s treated me like I meant something more than an object, it crushes me in a way I’ll never recover. Ever.
I just want peace. For once in my life, I want everything to stop and allow me to breathe easy.This life hasn’t afforded me that and with having Buck out there looking for me, I know it never will. No matter where I go and try to hide, he’ll find me.
It needs to end. All of it needs to stop.
The bed stares back at me, covers messed up a reminder of what he gave me only a while ago. All of him, fully, honestly, and real. So real I felt it through the marrow of my bones andinto my soul. Safe. My safe place.
His last look at me will be burned into my brain for the rest of my days. That look of betrayal. Of pain. Of hurt. Of devastation. All of it in a single look.
Never would I want him to think of me this way, but I did it without realizing it anyway.
All of this needs to end.
“I love you, Nox. Thank you for giving me what I never dreamedof and showing me what safe means.”
Wiping my face and pulling back my shoulders, I open the door and step out. The halls are quiet now, no doubt Nox went and told his brothers what I’ve said. They’ll all hate me and after they showed me so much kindness today, that devastates me. It is another scar on me, but this one will never heal.
