Page 26 of Bound by Wreckage
8
Carsyn
The room is black,but that’s not what has my heart racing. Nox is gone. I can feel it like a tangible thing. Like a loss or disruption. It’s all over me seeping into my bones.
Reaching over I turn the light on, the glow giving off a yellowish hue. It’squiet and still, but that doesn’t keep my heart from racing.
My first thought is,is he coming back?His bag sits on the dresser along with his Ravage MC cut. He must really want to be inconspicuous if he left that. It’s also the reminder that he is coming back. This is good. This is okay. He probably went to get food like he said earlier. Nothing to worry about. He’ll be back.
I’m a mess of emotions. On one hand, relief fills me that I was able to get out. On the other is the fear that Buck is right around the corner ready to make me pay for trying to leave him.
It’s a vicious cycle of emotions swirling and churning, eating me alive one by one.
The sad thing is the emotions are the scars that are so deep they’ll never heal because no amount of time willallow it.
My body is stiff in every way possible. It needs to move, or I’ll be locked up for a while.
Tossing the covers off, cries come out as I maneuver my body to sit. Slowly, I start with my arms, extending them and retracting them. Sweat begins to pour from me as I move on to the shoulders and neck. Nox was right, sleep is great, but having my body lock up tight because of itis the downfall.
Still sitting, I work on loosening up my legs and knees. Unsteadily, I rise to my feet, using the small table beside the bed for balance, and continue to exercise. Bending at the waist proves difficult, but it is accomplished.
It’s sad that Buck has done this so often to me that there’s a routine to healing. Never would he send me to a doctor for this, so learninghow to fix myself was crucial. The only thing he took me for was my birth control and to get my blood tested. Buck didn’t want to catch diseases from me even though he made others wear condoms.
Buck…
My thoughts drift to him. He’s pissed. Seriously, irrevocably pissed right now. Not only did I escape, I set fire to his kitchen causing who knows what in damages. Part of me wants tofeel giddy and exited in my ability to pull one over on him. But deep inside that fear of him finding me restrains it.
I’m not stupid enough to think Buck is going to give up on me because he didn’t in the past. There’s no way in hell he’d do that. He’d find me just to punish me and kill me. It’s his pride that is hurt, not any feelings for me as a human being.
Twice I tried leaving.Each time, the plan didn’t work. Each time, he found me way too fast. Each time, I suffered the consequences for it. But each one of those left me with knowledge of how I fucked up before, and now I won’t repeat those mistakes again.
When I first went to live with him, he was so nice, and it lasted about a month. Then chores were added to the mix. Then more. And more. And more. Until I’mhere with nothing else left to give.
What a clusterfuck my life has become. Hell, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who is Carsyn Devero? There’s been so much time that has passed in my life where I became whatever Buck wanted me to be, each time losing myself a little bit more.
At fifteen-years-old, it didn’t take much for Buck to get me under his thumb. A few cracks to the faceand the fear took over around him. I was lost in my own grief. My own guilt. I was an easy prey. It wasn’t just the physical pain he inflected that gave him power; it was my emotional state. It’s pathetic, but so very true. It’s like a mold he put me in, making me exactly what he expected of me.
My mother had never hit me, ever. Not even when I did something horrible—never. Grounding andtaking things away was her punishment. It worked, sometimes. Buck putting his hands on me changed the game.
I toss on the clothes that lay on the floor. They smell of Buck’s house making me want to gag, but it’s all I have.
Moving over to the small round table, I grip onto the chair and move my legs backwards, bending at the knee and out.
The door handle moves and I still,holding my breath. Did Buck find me already? Shit.
No sooner had those thoughts run through my brain, Nox steps into the room and relief washes over me. His hands are full of bags.
“How ya feelin’?” His smile is one of the best parts of him. It draws you in wanting to take a closer look. The way his bottom lip is so full and utterly bitable.Shit.
“Better. I needed to getup and move. Sleep is good, but if I don’t keep moving it’ll get worse.”
He sets the bags over on the counter near the television. “I’ve got a couple more trips to go. If you want to start pulling stuff out, that’d be great. If not, I’ll get it when I get back.”
In a flash he’s gone. The bags beckon me over. Clothes. Nothing like what Buck made me wear. T-shirts, full underwear,bras that look as if they are comfortable rather than meant to entice men. Yoga pants, several different styles and colors, some capris and pants. Tennis shoes and flats that look comfortable as hell. He must have hit a mega store or something.
The door handle turns again, and my breath catches momentarily as Nox walks in and the tension relaxes. His arms are full to the brim. Instead ofsetting this load on the counter, he tosses it to the bed. The smell of fried chicken fills the room, and my stomach growls.
“Good, thought you’d be hungry,” Nox chides, and a flush creeps up my cheeks.
