Page 65 of Needing to Fall
“But he is! I saw it in his eyes.”
“No, babe.” He sucked in deeply, like the words he had to say were painful for him. It made me brace for whatever news he was about to deliver. “Drew had a twin brother. They were separated as infants. The man you saw today was Drew’s brother, not Drew.”
My world stopped on its axis. I couldn’t move, too stunned, shocked, and appalled to do so.
Drew had a brother? A twin brother? Drew couldn’t have known because he had never said a word to me, and he would have, especially as alone as we both felt for so long.
“Does Devin not know this?” My words came out so softly as I let the hurt pass. It felt as if I were back in that place where I had watched Drew die, like I was watching it happen all over again, the light bleeding from his eyes.
“No, babe. He knows nothing of Drew. If the asshole who was looking for your information would have been smart, he would’ve caught all of this. He wasn’t, though. I’m so sorry, babe.”
Tears spilled from my eyes to my cheeks.
I fell back to his chest. “So I really did watch Drew die that day?”
“Yeah, babe. I’m so sorry.”
I lay there, letting the pain of seeing Drew die all over again spread through me. The full-out darkness didn’t come, though. I wouldn’t allow it to. After all, I had already lived through this once. I knew I could get through it again.
I stared out the window at the woods where the trees rustled slowly with the wind. It was like the calm after the storm of the day before. I didn’t sleep much; even in Lynx’s arms, it didn’t come. I had hoped he hadn’t noticed, but he had squeezed me every so often, letting me know he was there with me.
I was happy for it, yet I didn’t want him to have to feel like he had to be there for me every second. While I loved that he did, I had realized having him with me was simply a bonus. I was finding it within myself to stand on my own two feet, and it was an amazing feeling.
Although the day before had been painful on so many levels, it had also been freeing. The reason wasn’t good, and it didn’t make me a better person. It was because the boy I had known did die all those years ago. He hadn’t moved on with his life, totally forgetting about me like I was nobody.
I was somebody to him at one time. He had cared about me as I had him, and I knew he would want me to be happy. Whatever way that came, he wouldn’t want to see me in the bowels of Hell that I kept entering. I thought he would have been disappointed that I let the outside world win instead of fighting.
The shower kicked on in the other room, and I felt compelled to go outside. Pepper followed.
Walking to the swing that Lynx loved to push me in and I loved being in, I sat in it and rocked slowly. Visions of Drew played in my memories, opening me wide up. Then I did something I had never done before. I felt the urge to talk to him.
Hey, Drew. I don’t know where you are right now, because you know I didn’t believe in that higher being stuff since He or She never came to help either of us growing up.I sighed.But I want to believe that you are someplace good, someplace where you’re happy and at peace, someplace where you don’t hurt and only good things can happen to you.
I miss you so much.One tear fell down my cheek, followed by another. I didn’t try to stop them; it was no use.I’ve missed you since the moment you left me, and I haven’t been able to get a grip on the fact that you’re gone. We were supposed to stay together, get out of that hell hole, and be our own family. It hurts that we’ll never have that. I wanted that with you for so long.
I would give anything to have you back, and I thought that I had. I thought that I had you for a brief moment.
Did you know you have a twin brother? I bet you do by now.I shook my head.Identical. I thought he was you.I blew out deeply.The kicker was I saw what we could have had, what we could have been: a family with a kid you played with and showed how to be a great person, because that’s what you were. You were so great to me.
I’m so sorry about that night you saw me withhim. I wish I could have taken it away somehow, made you stay away from that room. If I could do something differently, something to make what happened go away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I never wanted you to see me like that. I was so ashamed, but I couldn’t let him hurt you.
You were my only light in all that hell, and I couldn’t let that disappear. I would have done anything to protect you. Anything. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I know I let you down. Hell, I let myself down, but I didn’t see any other option at the time.
Looking back, we should have just left, disappeared. But all those are “what ifs,” and I’ve learned I can’t keep on with the what ifs, because they’ll never happen.
I know now, though, I have to move on. Don’t think that I’ll ever forget you, because that is just not the case at all. I willneverin a million years forget you, Drew. Ever. No matter what happens in my life, you will forever have a special place in my heart.I paused, feeling a little uneasy about my next words.
I’ve met someone. If you’re looking at me, you already know that, but I don’t know how all that stuff works. But I love him, Drew. I do.
In my dream, you called me a whore, and that broke my heart because that’s the one thing I’m not. Yes, I did things I’m not proud of, but being a whore with Lynx isn’t one of them. I really hope you don’t really feel that way about me. That would be devastating. So, I’m going with the belief that you don’t.
I waited for the right guy to break through, to get to the real me, and I found him. He treats me better than I ever thought I deserved. He gets me, the core of me, and I think I get the core of him. We’re not perfect at all, but we are perfect together.
I hope that you’re happy for me and that you want me to find my sliver of good in this world because I think it’s time that I take it and run with it. I’m tired of being down all the time. I’m tired of not smiling and always feeling like shit. These last few months have been a huge eye opener for me, and Drew, I’m ready to live. I want to have a life, build something that I can be proud of, right all my wrongs, and be a better person.
I want to have a family.My tears turned into sobs as I let everything hang out.I want to have a family that I can love, cherish, and teach. I know I had shitty role models, but I learned what not to do. I also learned to protect and fight for the things I love and care about. I want my small sliver of the good, and deep down, I know you’d want that for me, too.
I’ll always love you. Never forget that.Ever.But I have to do what’s right for me, and I’m finally figuring out what that is. Love you. Miss you…
