Page 57 of Needing to Fall
“In the dark.” It wasn’t pitch black like it had been before, but the light that had been cast over me wasn’t shining brightly.
“I feel guilty,” I mumbled, needing to say it, but scared to, as well.
His lips came to my ear. “Babe, you need to pull deeper, find the woman I found, and let her help you up. I’m here, and I’ll stay here until you get there. Then we’ll talk.”
He was right. I wasn’t in a place to be rational or listen, so I didn’t. I lay there in his arms for a really long time until the urge to pee hit me so hard I needed to get up.
Lynx’s slow intakes of breath told me he was sleeping. I tried to get up softly, pulling away from him, but his grip tightened.
“Where are you going?”
“Bathroom.”
He let me go. I did my business and came back to find him fully awake, lying with his back to the headboard, his hands behind his head.
I ran my fingers through my hair and sat on the end of the bed. I dropped my head in my hands and began breathing slow breaths as the panic hit my chest like a sledgehammer. All the while, Lynx said nothing.
Deep breath, one …I inhaled.Deep breath, two.
As I continued counting to myself, the overriding anxiety and fear began to fade, leaving me behind. When I lifted my head, Lynx had his arms out to me. I wasted no time climbing into his arms as he held me tight. This time, his warmth penetrated me down to my soul, and I sucked up every drop of it.
“You ready to talk?” he whispered.
I wasn’t, but I would for him.
“What we have is beautiful, so beautiful. I didn’t think I’d ever have it, Lynx. I don’t know why I’m dreaming of Drew or why he’s saying those things to me. I don’t know why I felt so guilty.” I tipped my head up, looking into his eyes. “I don’t regret anything, Lynx. Nothing.”
His lips brushed mine, and I instantly lifted my hand to his scarred cheek, kissing him more deeply, not wanting him to think I believed any of what we had done was a mistake. It was just all so much.
“Babe, you have unfinished business with Drew. I thought it would have happened a lot sooner, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” When he gave me a soft peck and pushed my head to his chest, I nestled there comfortably. “You need to go and talk to him.”
I jolted, trying to lift up, but he held me to him.
“Settle,” he ordered, and I tried to relax, but it was difficult. “Babe, you need to talk to Drew. Work this out. You’re never going to be fully yourself until you do.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Wasn’t it you who was going to see her mother, come hell or high water? Was it you who had the courage and strength to do that? The woman who wouldn’t let anyone touch her”—he stroked my hair—“but allows me to do so freely?” He wrapped me securely to his body. “You’re ready to do this.”
“But I’m just finding out things about myself: that I like to go on long walks with Andi or that I like running with you. Won’t going to see him take me back there? I can’t go back there, Lynx.” My body shook. I couldn’t. The day was bad enough with feeling that cloak surround me. I didn’t want to do anything to bring it back.
“If you want the darkness to fade, you must face the things that put you there. Drew is your catalyst. It’s the one thing you must face.”
I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to yell at him that he was wrong. Even though I had a good man at my back, I still didn’t want to open the old wounds. I didn’t want to have those attack me.
Why did my life have to be so messed up? Why couldn’t I be normal and not so messed in the head? I shouldn’t have to live my life like this.
“I’ll tell you what. We keep living like we’ve been living, and after your appointment with Dr. McMann, you can decide what you want to do.” He gave me an out, and I took it. I needed it. I needed to process it all, and he knew that.
I didn’t know what would change from that point to this, but I was going to take him up on it because I didn’t think I would ever be okay enough to see Drew again.
***
“Hang on!” Lynx called from behind me as I gripped the chains with all of my might.
The wind rushed through my hair and onto my face, sending exuberance through me as I climbed higher and higher. It was almost like an emotional high as I flew up into the air and back down. My lungs filled with the scent of the trees around us as Lynx pushed me from behind, as I let my legs and body soar, swinging.
I had done it at school a couple of times, but after getting picked on, I stayed as far away from the other kids as I could. This was different, though.
