Page 46 of Needing to Fall
Knowing I could use one of those after that run, I sat and Lynx followed, giving me some room, though not much. His shoulder and leg grazed mine from time to time, and instead of getting nervous about it, I began to like it. The warmth of him helped break the ice inside of me, and I cherished the heat.
I lay down, looking up at the sky beginning to fade into darkness, the glow of the sun peeking over the trees. My breathing calmed, and was it weird that I felt safe and comfortable?
I broke the silence of the night as Lynx lay down next to me. “So tell me; why Lynx? Is it your real name? Because I’ve never met someone with that unique one.” In all the time we had spent together, we had focused a lot more on me than him, and I needed to know more.
He reached over and grabbed my hand, but I didn’t fight it. I liked the touch too much.
“Last name. Brody Lynx. In the service, I went by Lynx and it stuck.”
“I like it.”
His hand gave mine a soft squeeze.
“What about your parents? Are you close?” He had said in the hospital that he had crippled a man for his parents. I had inferred that to mean he was close with them, and I was hoping I was right.
“They passed.” His eyes held a vacant, glassy look. I instantly wanted to take that expression off his face, but he continued, “My mom had a heart attack, and my father couldn’t handle her not here anymore and ended up getting sick with sepsis. He passed in the hospital.”
“Oh, Lynx.” I laid my head on his shoulder, trying to give him some sort of comfort.
“Shit happens, babe. You deal.”
I nodded then asked, “Do you see your sister a lot?” I remembered him telling me about her back in the hospital. It was only a brief mention, but those were the things that stuck out in my head.
“A few times a month. She’s married and has a kid, so I see her when I can.”
I continued staring into the sky. “Are you close?”
“We don’t call each other every day or anything like that, but I’d say we are.”
I really liked that he had someone he could turn to.
I had a question that I wanted to ask, but I was nervous to. After long moments had passed, I just said, “Can I ask you something?” Stupid, so damn stupid. I was already asking him things. Why would this be different?
He gave my hand a small squeeze. “You already are, babe. Ask me anything.”
I sucked in deeply. “What took you so long to come to me?” I didn’t want to sound needy or whiny; I genuinely wanted to know. I had lain in bed so many nights, wondering where he was and hoping he wouldn’t let me down.
It was his turn to suck in deeply. “I had an episode.”
My head snapped to him as he continued to look up.
“I was at the grocery store, walking down the aisle. All of a sudden, a loud pop came from above me. I didn’t recognize until later that a bulb had gotten too hot and shattered. I was too busy pushing my way out of the store. Bottom line is, I wanted to get myself together before I saw you.”
While it was unbelievably sweet he would think of me in that way, I felt a little sad about it also. I wanted him to have come to me. I could have helped him. I didn’t know what I would have done, but I would have figured it out. Wouldn’t I?
“Sorry, Lynx,” I whispered as he turned his head to me with a soft smile.
“I was going to come to you as soon as you got out, but then that happened, and I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
My gut twisted, and I rolled to my side, fully facing him. “You’ve seen me a lot worse, Lynx.”
He let out a gush of breath. “I know, babe. I know.”
“It doesn’t go away, does it?”
“No, babe. You just learn what works for you to combat it.”
I tried not to let it get me down, but it saddened me that I would be living with this the rest of my life: learning myself and what I needed to do to keep myself in check. The medicine helped, but would I be on it for the rest of my life? I didn’t know that answer.
