Page 39 of Needing to Fall
“No. I would have remembered.”
I patted Lynx. “Let me go. I have to talk to her.”
His hand flexed against my back, but he released me.
I moved quickly over to Andi. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him.”
“So why is he here?” Anger laced her tone. I didn’t get why she was so angry about the man, though. She hadn’t even met him, and already, she seemed to dislike him.
“He’s going to help me find some information about my past.” My hand shook as I reached out and put it on Andi’s shoulder, her hip jutting toned down instantly. “It’s okay.”
“You let him touch you,” she whispered so softly I didn’t think she meant for me to hear, but I did, and she was right. She also knew the significance of it, as well. From her wide-eyed expression, she was shocked, and I believed I saw a little hurt, as well.
“We’ll talk about this later,” I said, not wanting to get into it with Lynx right there. I couldn’t explain things to myself, let alone explain to someone else. I definitely couldn’t do it with an audience. I had taken steps, but they were baby steps, and that wasn’t on the list.
“What’s going on?” As she wrapped her arms around her body almost protectively, confusion of why she looked like that plagued me, but it was something I would have to figure out later.
“I found an address to my mother, and I’m going to go and check it out.”
“You were going to go by yourself?” This question came from Lynx, who was still behind me.
Suddenly, I felt way too boxed in, too enclosed to the point of air being difficult to take in. I stepped out from between them so I could look at them both as I talked. That small bit of distance helped calm me slightly.
“Yes. I need to get control back in my life. I have questions that need to be answered.” I eyed Lynx. “I thought a lot about what you said. I need the knowledge. I need to know the why. Why did she allow my father to hit me? Hurt me? Why didn’t she protect me? Mothers are supposed to do that: protect their young. Why didn’t she? What was wrong with me that she didn’t?” As the questions came out, the hurt pierced through me like a knife starting to shred me. The darkness moved in, suffocating the room. I tried to breathe through it, but I was on a roll with the questions and couldn’t stop. “Why didn’t she want me? Why didn’t she fight for me? Why didn’t she love me or show any bit of love toward me? Why didn’t she care about me?” Angry tears cascaded down my face. I knew I was ranting, but I didn’t care.
One thing I had learned from the doctor was talking about it and letting it out helped. Having the only two people I trusted in the world to do it with was even better.
“Babe,” Lynx said, taking a step forward.
I stepped back and shook my head. “Don’t. Give me a minute.” He couldn’t touch me right now; I was too raw. I needed air to breathe.
I moved to the kitchen, which wasn’t far from the living/dining area, my thoughts going up and down slippery slopes. Why was everything I had to deal with such an issue? How come I couldn’t be like the rest of the world and just deal?
I decided in that moment that I was going to be one of those people. I was going to be one of those who could handle it when things went badly. I was going to learn to cope and find answers because being this way wasn’t working for me. How I was going to do that was up in the air, but having that thought in my head gave me the determination to figure it out.
“Reign?” Andi asked.
I wiped at my face before facing the two people who had decided I wasn’t getting much space and followed me.
“Yes, I’m going to go and find my mother. I was going to go alone.” My eyes focused on Lynx. “I didn’t think you were going to come, so I was going to do it on my own. I’m pretty proud of myself for that.” I focused on the two of them. “It’s not going to be easy, but I’m doing it.” I felt to my bones the confidence in my words, and I loved every second of it.
It made me feel just a tad bit stronger, something I craved.
“I’m coming with you,” Lynx practically demanded, crossing his arms over his chest in challenge. Little did he know he wouldn’t have a fight over this. I was happy he wanted to come with me, that he gave a shit.
“Okay,” I replied.
A smile came across his face, lighting up the entire space. The warm feeling in my belly grew. I let it alone, though, because it felt good. These days, I was storing everything good as much as I could, never knowing when the dark hole would want to drag me down again.
“Are you sure this is a good idea after what happened last time?” Andi spoke up.
I had no doubt she thought that whatever I found would send me to the place where she had found me before. I had to admit I was scared of that, too, but I was in a different place.
“I need to do this, Andi. I didn’t know what I was getting into last time, and I wasn’t expecting it. With my mother, I don’t have high expectations.”
“But what if you can’t take it?” The panic in Andi’s voice rocked me to my core. I didn’t want to upset her again. I didn’t want her to worry. It was another reason I had wanted to get out of there before she got home: seeing the hurt sucked.
“I don’t have any answers for what will happen. All I know is I have to do this. I have to find out why. Whatever happens or comes of that, I’ll deal with it.” How I would deal with it was the question of the hour. However, I would do my damnedest, especially since I didn’t want to bring Andi down again. It was a whole new reason to fight my way out.
