Page 34 of Needing to Fall
“But Drew is the catalyst which brought you to the point of needing to come here.”
I bit my bottom lip and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “I’m not sure I can go and see him. I’m not sure I can stay away, either. I need to know me before I make that decision. I need to get back my control.”
“Sounds like you’re relying on Lynx for that.”
I couldn’t deny that I was. He seemed to have his shit together and knew what he was doing. At least his words proved that, but who knew for sure?
“When I put you two together, I never thought you two would come up with a plan to meet up after therapy.” He sounded a little discouraging. That wouldn’t stop me, though. If Lynx came, I was going for it. “Since it sounds inevitable, professionally, I need to say something.”Okay…“Dependency. I’ve seen how you are with Lynx. You need to make sure you are doing this for you, not because of Lynx.”
I stared at him, thinking,I am doing this for myself; I just don’t want to do it alone. I didn’t think I could. I didn’t think that made me dependent on anyone. If anything, it was the support system Wrestler McMann had droned on about when I had kept telling him I had no one for that. Now, I did and was going to take it however it came. I couldn’t say I wasn’t nervous as hell about it, but if I could gain my power and control back, I was going for it.
I said nothing.
“I want you to be aware of it,” he finished.
Nurse Hatchet took that moment to walk in the door. Ready to get the hell out of this room and not have to come back, I rose from the chair.
“Reign,” the doctor said, and I reluctantly turned back to him, not wanting to hear any more or talk about my feelings again. None of it, but I wasn’t going to screw up my shot of blowing this place. “I’m very proud of you, young lady.”
That knife speared me. No one had ever beenproudof me before … ever.
“You don’t realize this, because you were dealt a hand in life that many never have to experience, but you are incredibly strong. You may not feel it, but you are. People don’t get thrown blow after blow, only to still be standing upright. You have a future, and you need to grasp it.”
I had no words for the man. However, inside, something began to grow, and it was warm and inviting.
I tipped up the corner of my mouth, giving him the closest thing to a smile I could, and then walked out the door.
That night was like no other. I actually felt a twinge of excitement, an unusual feeling for me. I grabbed on to it because it warmed me.
***
“Now, Reign,” Nurse Hatchet started upon opening the door to my room.
I had been waiting on her for what felt like forever. She had brought me my breakfast and pills earlier. Although I had been too excited to eat, I had choked down some toast since she said the pills wouldn’t feel well on an empty stomach.
She went over my pill schedule. Yes, I had a pill schedule: two in the morning and one at night. If I still wasn’t feeling quite right, I had a second pill that I could take at night.
I still had mixed feelings about the pills, but I was going to try.
“Yeah?” I responded, more than ready to get the hell out of there. I hadn’t slept at all last night, yet I wasn’t tired in the least. No, I just wanted to step outside those walls.
Nurse Hatchet came up close. “Your life is worth too much for you to take it. You are someone. You are an intelligent woman who deserves to find happiness, wherever that comes from. You have choices, andIexpectyouto make the right ones. You only get one life. It’s up toyouto decide how to live it.”
My eyes began to well up with tears I tried hard to hold back, but my throat was starting to tighten, and I knew it wouldn’t be long. No one in my life had ever had enough concern to give me any sort of advice in this world. I’d had to learn everything the hard way. Never had anyone given me any direction. Consequently, her giving me that was one of the biggest gifts I had ever received.
She reached out and took my hands, and I forced myself not to pull back as she held tight. “Happiness isn’t something you’ve had much of, but it’s out there, and you need to find it, hold on to it, and embrace it. Don’t turn or push it away.”
The damn woman had me figured out. I couldn’t hold back anymore as tears slid down my cheeks. I wouldn’t miss this place one bit, but a small, tiny part of me would miss Nurse Hatchet, even if I still didn’t know her real name.
I tried to speak yet choked on my words. Clearing my throat, I told her, “I’ll try.” It was all I could give her. I didn’t know what life held for me beyond those doors, but I had a very strong urge not to let her down. There was this woman who took care of me because it was her job, and I was thinking about not disappointing her. Weird.
She gave me a soft squeeze then released my hands. “Let’s get you out of here.”
***
I felt the smile come across my face as Andi came barreling toward the door. She was waiting for me, and I really liked that. She didn’t stop until her arms were wrapped around me. I sucked in deeply and reciprocated.
“Let’s get you home.”
