Page 9 of Needing to Fall
“Drink,” she ordered, holding the lukewarm chicken broth to my lips.
I tried to drink it, but it kept catching in my throat, causing me to cough, gagging on it. Andi didn’t stop, even as my stomach rolled from the liquid. She kept at it until I drank every bit.
“Good. Want to shower?” she asked, sighing as I threw the covers up over my head.
“No.”
Andi was the only thing keeping me alive at that point, something I lay in bed all night, thinking about.
I couldn’t do it anymore. There was absolutely no reason for me to carry on like this. Having Andi care for me wasn’t living. I was a burden on her, just like I was to my biological mother. I didn’t want that for Andi. She of all people deserved better.
The black hole became deeper as I sank into it willingly. My entire life I had been a disappointment, a disgrace, a nuance, a punching bag, a sex toy … alone. Me, myself, and I. And I didn’t like either of those three people. Each one of them was shitty. I didn’t deserve to be here, didn’t deserve to breathe air.
The light that Andi shone on me was fading to the point where it was lost. It was so far away it was unreachable. There was no coming back from this. There was no revival. There was nothing.Iwas nothing.
As I sat on my bed, my feet touching the floor, the heaviness of the cold metal sat in my hand. The gun was so weighted it felt as if it were all my emotions swirling around in my head, now sitting in my hand and under my control. For once, it was undermycontrol. This was the one tool I could use to make everything stop, to make everything go away, to makemego away.
It was my answer to end the pain.
I stared at the shiny, silver metal as flashes of Drew’s vacant eyes flashed through my head. The pain of that hit me all over again, but the gun could take it all away, even the good of when I saw Drew again and the bad of finding out he had a son and a woman.
Who would care? I mean, Drew didn’t care to find me; he had moved on with life. He certainly wouldn’t miss me.
The burn in my chest only grew as the thoughts raced through my head, and I realized how fucked in the head I really was. I never really had a shot in this world from the moment I was born. I was never anything. I was and always would be nobody. I let some guy fuck me over and over again while thinking I was protecting Drew. I made things work while I was on the streets. Every, single fucked up thing I did was to survive a life that I should have disposed of years ago. The world wouldn’t miss me.
The only one who would was Andi. She was everything I was not. She had the ability to push through all the bad and be strong when everything crashed around her. She would survive and be better since I wouldn’t be holding her down.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t. I was drowning in darkness and losing what little I thought of myself. I had held her back, making her think she had to take care of me. She needed to be free of me, free to live her life without me and my fucked up existence.
I needed it all to end. I wanted to disappear, vanish, leave this life, not feel anything anymore, make everything whirling in my head stop and quiet. I needed to fall. I needed to succumb to the losses, to the unanswered requests, to the wishes not granted. I needed to fall into the pit of emptiness and make it all go away, to find a sliver of peace.
“What are you doing!” Andi screeched, making me jump as she bore down on me, not stopping until she was at my side and the gun was in her hand. I didn’t even have time to struggle, which would have been futile, anyway, since I was so weak.
“Give it back.”
Her brows were knit between her angry eyes as I spoke, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail so tight it made her look madder than I had ever seen her. The fury pulsed from her in thick waves.
“That’s fucking it!” She opened the clip on the gun and pulled all the bullets out. Her hands didn’t even shake; she was in full control of the weapon.
I didn’t even know she knew how to do that. I had never seen her with a gun in my life. I was taught on the streets by a guy named Tim. I never saw him again afterward. Andi, though, she was too perfect to know anything about the underbelly of society.
It felt like I was on a cloud above, looking down at my best friend as she moved. Even when the anger poured off her in waves, it didn’t penetrate me. I was so high above that nothing mattered.
“We’re taking a shower.” She said nothing else of the gun as she stuffed everything into the big bag she had draped over her shoulder when she had come in.
I didn’t want anything to do with the shower. I wanted everything to end. Showering was least on my priority lists. However, the strength to fight for the gun back wasn’t there. No fight was.
The thump of Andi’s bag hitting the floor had my eyes moving to her angry ones. She started tearing off her clothes, shoes, and panties before coming toward me naked. I did nothing. She then undressed me and hauled me into the shower, coming in with me.
Tears spilled over my face as I shook my head. “Just let me be done with this, Andi,” I whispered.
She turned me around, the spray of the shower hitting my back as she held me up. “Listen to me,” she growled, her words echoing through the tight space. “This shit ends right here and right now. I tried to let you work through it. I tried to be patient. I tried to let you do your thing.” The water pelted my back, but it was like I couldn’t feel a thing. “This?” She gave me a shake. “You trying to kill yourself? No. I’m fucking done!”
While she washed me quickly, I felt so damn defeated and worn I didn’t put up a fight. Nor did I help her when she dressed me, nor did I when she made me get into the car. It was like I was floating over my body. I could see everything that was happening, but I was too out of it to care.
When Andi pulled up to Zachariah Hospital … That was the moment I snapped together, reality slapping me across the face in a powerful blow.
She wasn’t! She couldn’t! She was my best friend! She wouldn’t do this to me!
