Page 8 of Needing to Fall
He was alive, and he had a little boy … without me.
I watched as Drew stood to his full, healthy height as the woman walked right up to Drew, and he wrapped his other arm around her and kissed the top of her head. He had a woman who was not me.
He smiled at them both, love pouring out of him, and I broke. The images burned with hot irons into my retinas, searing, branding their spots forever. My insides twisted so painfully I had to wrap my arms around my stomach as fresh tears skidded down my cheeks.
It was official. I had … nothing. There was absolutely nothing for me to believe in. It was ironic that I had wished over and over for Drew to be alive, and he was. It had come true. But the cost was me, because seeing him alive and happy was like watching him die all over again. Only, this killed me more than watching the life drain from his eyes. This destroyed me, and I fell deeper.
I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. He was here, and he never came back for me. He never looked for me. He never…
The tears turned into sobs, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the only guy I had ever cared about. The only one who ever gave a shit about me in my pathetic life. The one guy who made plans with me to get away from the life we were living and be free. The guy I saw my future with. The guy I dreamed about at night and watched the light leave his eyes over and over on replay. I relived his death every time I closed my eyes, yet he was alive and happy without me.
Everything inside me hurt. The tears became so bad I had to shut my eyes. It was physically impossible for me not to. I didn’t want to take my eyes off him, though. I feared this was all a dream and he would disappear, so I fought it. The sad thing was another part of me was hoping this was a dream and I would wake up so I didn’t have any of this etched in my head. With all these conflictions, I had no direction.
He was going on with his life, moving on, when here I was, a pathetic excuse for a human, stuck back in time. Me, here, crying over something I had lost so long ago. The hurt was too much, and I had to cry. I could feel the hole beneath me opening up, and there was no way to stop it. All those years of loss were for … nothing, and now they had turned into something I didn’t know how to process.
When Drew pulled the woman in for a tight hug and whispered something in her ear, she pulled away, smiling up at him. Then the three of them went into the house, Drew never letting go of either of them.
This had to be a joke. It had to.
I sat there for hours, unable to wrap my head around what I had seen. I wondered what they were doing inside. Were they having lunch together, watching TV, or was Drew playing with his kid? The more I thought, the bigger the hole beneath me expanded.
When the door to the house opened again, the little boy came running out faster than a shot. Drew and the woman were on his heels. Drew turned around and locked the door then walked with the woman to the car and got in the driver’s seat. I watched as the car sped off down the road, but I was rooted to the spot. I sat there until night fell, unable to force myself to go. I sat there until my cell rang, snapping me back to the present, knowing there was only one person on this planet it could be—my saving grace.
“Yeah?” I answered softly.
Andi’s voice came across the line. “You okay?” She knew exactly where I was without even telling her. That was how well she knew me.
“No. I’m nowhere near okay.”
I didn’t know how I made it home. I didn’t even remember driving, but somehow, I got there. When I pulled up to the complex, Andi came barreling down the sidewalk like she had been waiting for me. I was a zombie and could barely walk to her. I didn’t have the strength.
“Oh, baby,” she said, wrapping her arms around my body and holding me up.
Lone, hiccupped whimpers came from my throat. I had already cried so much during the drive home. I didn’t think I could do more, but I was wrong. The dam collapsed, and I fell to my knees. Andi tried to pick me up yet ended up falling to the ground, as well, my weight being too much for her.
Weeks passed in a blur of tissues and emotionally exhausted sleep. I asked for time off from both of my jobs. After all, I couldn’t move from the bed, let alone go to work. The diner fired me after a week, and Judi called from the bar yesterday saying she had to fill my spot. Now I had nothing there, either, but I didn’t care. Rent was due last week, but I didn’t have the money and got an eviction notice three days ago. Good thing I knew how the system worked. I had a good two to three weeks before I was actually forced to leave by the cops.
I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t care to try to figure it out, either. I was too lost in my head to make any sense of the world, so having a roof over my head or bills paid wasn’t on the radar of giving two shits.
I wasn’t sure what was worse: watching the boy you love die before your young eyes or finding out five years later that he was alive, happy with a woman and a child, and now a man.
Ishouldhave been a bigger person and thought “At least he’s happy. He deserves that. I’m happy for him.” Nevertheless, I couldn’t be that bigger person. I couldn’t feel that happiness for him, not when I ached so badly inside. I wanted him to be hurt, too, not carrying on with his life like I had never existed, like I was a blip on his screen as he continued his happy life.
As the days dragged on in one continuous loop, the hurt turned into anger and then back into hurt. I couldn’t stop it, didn’t even try. The dark hole I had been trying to avoid for years since Drew left me the first time finally fully sucked me under. I let it consume me, eat me up, and swallow me whole. I was surrounded in a thick, dark cloak of pain and despair that nothing could cut through.
I had thought I was alone before. With my mother and father being the assholes they were and then all of the foster homes never great, I had only had Drew. I had only had him for two years, and those were the best two years of my life. Even if I was doing things I wasn’t proud of, they were the best because I had someone. I had someone I could turn to, talk to, and count on. I had my person, and I had never once in my life had a person.
Part of me wished I had never had it, never had him. Then I wouldn’t know what it was like to lose it twice now. The ache burned so deeply in my soul and the pain rolled and gained momentum from day to day, building, digging, and embedding itself into my soul.
“Eat,” Andi said at the doorway of my bedroom.
I groaned and turned slowly around in my bed, staring at her holding a cup. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t deserve to eat, not when other people out there needed it. I was just a waste of space in this world. They should have food to live, not me.
Andi being Andi, I knew she wouldn’t give up, but I didn’t want to give in. Like everything else, it was pointless.
I regretted giving Andi a key to my place. One, for this, and two, because I never knew for sure if she locked the door after she came in. Having that worry in my head drove me farther down the rabbit hole that was becoming my life. I wanted to get up and check the doors and windows. I wanted to make sure everything was locked and secure, but I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. Still, that compulsion rode me hard, suffocating me.
When Andi rolled me over onto my back, I didn’t fight her and used the little bit of strength to help her.
