Page 76 of Needing to Fall
“Pepper, come here, girl.” I whistled to get the dog’s attention. When she ran around the corner and darted to me, I threw the ball with all of my might, and Pepper chased after it.
We had been playing like this for over an hour, and neither of us were tired of it. Funny how something so mundane as playing catch with a dog could bring me so much joy. Lynx was right; her companionship meant the world to me.
The sun was shining, and birds were chirping. The light breeze made it a perfect day. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Lynx would get back.
He had said he had some jobs to take care of, but he hadn’t told me anything about them. In some strange way, I got it. I understood he wouldn’t be able to tell me things about his job, and while I feared for his safety, I never badgered him for information when he got home. If it was something I needed to know, he would tell me.
Pepper brought the ball back, tail wagging, and dropped it at my feet.
“Again?”
She barked.
“All right.” I heaved the ball, and she took off after it.
I needed to come to a decision about Devin—whether to tell him about Drew or to let it go. I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. My mind kept flipping and flopping, wrestling with the wordsyesandnoconstantly.
The smile on Devin’s face came into my head with images of his wife and kid. He had everything and was happy. If I told him this, it would change his world, but in reality, nothing would different. Drew would still be dead, and he would grieve for a brother he never knew and suffer that pain the rest of his life. I knew that pain, carried it around for so damn long it dug into my soul. I didn’t want that for him or his family.
Yet, didn’t he have a right to know? To understand the guy Drew was, to know he had family, even if he was gone from this earth?
As I continued to throw the ball and Pepper brought it back, I felt something settle in my chest. I knew my answer. I knew what I was going to do.
“Babe?” was called from the back of the house.
I turned to see my man standing there in a dark T-shirt, torn jeans, and looking utterly handsome. And I loved him with everything I had inside. I had never thought I would have that or be able to give that of myself, but with Lynx, it came naturally, which made it all the more special.
I jogged up to him. “Hey.”
His smile widened. “Babe, I think you need to go back where you were and run back here.”
I quirked my brow, wondering what he was playing at.
“When you run, your tits do a little dance for me.”
Warmth crept up my neck and face. He had been doing this more lately, being open about his want for me, and I was doing my best not to let it fluster me, but my body did every time, giving me away.
I smacked him on the arm playfully. “Stop it.”
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me deeply and hard, sucking the breath out of me. When he pulled away, it took me a second to get my bearings.
I opened my eyes to see his smiling face peering down at me.
“You love it.” He pecked me on the lips.
I did.
“Whatever,” I said. “I decided what to do about Devin,” I blurted out, just needing to get it out of my head.
His smile fell as he walked us over to the rocking chair and sat me on his lap. We had talked a few times about what had happened with Trey, Devin, and Drew over the past week, but Lynx had never pushed me on anything. I appreciated that because I was always afraid I was going to get pulled under from the garbage that kept landing in my lap. Proudly, I had held myself together, though, fighting through the darkness and staying in the light, doing things like playing ball with Pepper or taking her for a walk. I would also go running or meet up with Andi to chat.
I refused to get sucked down, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Each day was a battle and a journey. Some days were a little harder than others, such as the days after learning about Trey, but I pulled through and lived.
Making this decision was a huge hurdle for me, so I needed to get it out.
“I decided I’m not going to tell Devin.” I sucked in a breath and kept going before he said anything. “I know it probably makes me a shitty person for not telling him, but I know the pain of losing something, Lynx. Devin will spend the rest of his life playing the ‘what if’ game, and it won’t bring Drew back. I don’t want to be the one to cause him that torment or give him that demon that he’ll never be able to chase away. He’s happy and has a family. His life is good. I don’t want to be the one to fuck that up.”
Lynx rocked us in the chair, my head resting on his shoulder as the rhythmic sounds of the chair going back and forth fluttered in my head. He said nothing for so long I started to get worried and second-guess myself.
