Page 50 of Needing to Fall
The walls around me didn’t feel as constrictive as before. I felt like I could breathe and live for the first time. The medicine had to be working. I had a follow up with Wrestler McMann in a few weeks. I thought he would be proud of how far I had come.
“Hey, babe.” The words caught my attention.
I watched as Lynx slid onto a barstool, feeling almost giddy inside that he was there.
Lynx had picked me up the night before from my shift. He had taken me to get something to eat while we talked, and then he had taken me home. He had been doing that sporadically throughout the week, and I had to admit I enjoyed it when he did. While I was new at the whole guy thing, I thought things were going fairly well.
“Hey, yourself.” I smiled welcomingly. “What can I get ya?”
“Bud. Bottle.”
I made quick work of getting the beer, setting it in front of him.
“You’re off at eight, right?”
“Yep.” It was the first night I was off at a decent hour. Other people might not think it was decent, but when you normally worked until two a.m., eight was early.
“Good. We’ve got plans.”
My smile widened as I leaned against the bar. “What’s that?”
“It’s a surprise,” he replied before tipping his beer up and taking long, hard swallows.
I watched in avid fascination as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. My tongue darted across my lip, instantly feeling dry.
“Babe, that’s not a good idea.”
My eyes snapped to his heated ones. “What?” I asked dazedly.
“Licking your lips. I’m a man, babe, and there’s only so much I can take.” It came out as a warning, but inside it made me burn, like sex hot.
A switch inside of me clicked, tingles spreading throughout my body and dampness growing between my thighs.Oh. Shit.
I turned away, embarrassed. “Sorry,” I muttered. “I’ll be back.”
I needed a little bit of distance from him. In the time we had spent together, he had been so damn patient with me, holding my hand, for goodness’ sakes, and kissing it. He had never once taken it beyond that, knowing he had to be slow with me. There were small touches, even a slight hug, but nothing more.
Was it wrong of me to want something more? To want more of his touch on my body?
I picked up a wet rag and began wiping down the bar as a waitress came up, giving me their orders. I filled them quickly, handing them back out. I didn’t look down at Lynx for fear he would see into my thoughts.
The only touch from a man I had experienced that wasn’t forceful, beyond my control, or for survival was from Drew. When he had kissed me, it had been thrilling and exciting, but we had never taken it a step further than that.
The punch to the gut hit at the thought of him, but like so many times before, I dug down deep, trying to shake it off.
The other men I’d been with…
I shook my head, not wanting to think of those others, not wanting to acknowledge some of the things I had done. I was ashamed of it, dirty for it.
Sex had always been a tool for me on the streets, something I could use to get what I wanted. It was all I had to give, and there were plenty of men willing to take it.
I had seen movies and the way the guys would be so tender with their women. I had never had that. I never believed I even wanted that, because I buried myself so deep I never thought of it at all. All sex reminded me of was hurt and pain.
I didn’t want to associate Lynx with that. I didn’t think I was capable of giving that part of me to a man. A man like Lynx—one that was so self-assured, handsome, and fun to be around—wasn’t going to sit around and wait for the day when I might be ready. No … No man would do that. I was going to have to let him go.
My chest tightened to the point of pain at the thought, and tears sprang behind my eyes. I wasn’t good enough. I was broken beyond repair. I could never make a man like Lynx happy. Hell, I could never make any man happy, because I couldn’t give him what he needed, what every man craved. No band-aid or medication would ever fix the part of me that was so hurt, so torn.
As tears streamed down my face, I batted them away, turning away from all the customers.Pull yourself together!Work was not the place to do this.
