Page 49 of Needing to Fall
I tossed the covers off and went in to the kitchen to make some coffee. Andi was always good at setting the thing up, so all I had to do was push a button, and it would start brewing. She knew me so well, probably better than I knew myself at times.
I sat at the small table, holding my cup of Joe in my hands, feeling the warmth hit me all the way down to my toes. Then I took my meds just as Andi came out, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, her blonde hair damp from the shower.
I had an instant tightening of my nerves. I had almost forgotten about needing to talk with her, but judging from her not so perky face, it needed to be done. Andi didn’t do un-perky. No, she was always happy no matter what. Seeing her like this … I needed to make that go away.
“Come and sit,” I told her after she had gotten her coffee.
She sat across from me, her eyes focused on her mug.
“Is there something you want to say to me?” I asked, trying to get the ball rolling. After all, it wasn’t going away, so I needed to face it head-on, even if it scared the living shit out of me.
Her pained eyes caught mine. “I just …” a tear streaked down her face, cutting my heart to shreds. “I thought that you and I had something.” Her words were soft and hushed, like she wanted me to hear them yet also didn’t.
“I didn’t know, Andi,” I responded, her eyes coming to mine. “I’ve been locked in myself for so long it was all I could think of. I didn’t see it.” I sucked in a huge breath and gathered whatever strength I could muster. “You’re my best friend in this world. I’m so sorry, but I don’t have those feelings for you.”
Another tear streamed down her cheek. “I get that now. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but it’s on me. I made us out to be something we weren’t. I’m sorry about that.”
“I didn’t even know you liked women,” I confessed.
She shook her head. “It only started in the last few months before you went to see Drew. I should have never told you to go and find him.” The dam broke.
I moved to her, wrapping her in my arms as she cried, the pain so evident it hurt me.
“I’m sorry. So, so sorry,” she cried.
I brushed her hair as I held on tightly. “I hate to say it, Andi, but you did the right thing. Yes, I know Drew’s alive, and I haven’t forgotten about him, but he’s happy with a family. I can’t do anything about that. I would never want to hurt him like that.”
She pulled away, her brow quirked. “Even though he hurt you for all those years?”
My mind wandered to the moment I had seen Drew again, and my heart cracked. It had hurt, and it still did. However, after seeing a small glimpse of happiness, I knew it was out there. I just had to find it.
“Even after all those years. I can’t keep living back there. That’s what’s bringing me down. I need to live.”
She pulled away from me. “Lynx,” she whispered.
“It’s not just him. It’s that he taught me it’s okay to be happy, to have fun.”
“You like him.”
It was hard to admit, but I had to. She was my best friend.
“Yeah, I kinda do.”
She wiped the tears from her eyes, her smile coming back to her face. “Good. You deserve good.”
I really believed I did, another first for me.
***
After a week back on the job, I quickly realized my feet were more acclimated to resting instead of being on them for ten hours straight. My boss had decided she needed me back full-time, and since I needed the money, I had quickly accepted.
The vibe in the bar hadn’t changed, but I had. When I looked out amongst all the people, I didn’t see the despair anymore. No, I focused on the laughter, instead. That alone put me in a better mood.
I hadn’t found anything on my father via the web, but Lynx had told me to give him some time to come up with something.
Life was life, and I felt as if I were living it instead of just existing for once. It wasn’t as though I were traveling the world or any grand gestures like that. No, it was more that I got out of the house.
Even after my conversation with Andi, she didn’t change around me. She was bright and happy, taking me to some of her favorite places, and I had fun. Yes, fun. We laughed, smiled. It was like the me I was supposed to be had come out, and I didn’t try to hide her.
