Page 33 of Needing to Fall
The morning session didn’t go well. All I could do was stare at the empty chair that Lynx had occupied. I didn’t feel like talking; however, I didn’t feel like I was drowning, either. It was strange.
Nurse Hatchet had given me two pills last night and then two this morning. She had told me what they were, but hell if I could remember. Before I took them, I thought of Lynx’s words then downed them in one gulp. I felt no different, and when I told that to Nurse Hatchet, she said, “Honey, it’ll take about a week for it to build up in your system.”
Great.
I had to spend tonight here, and the small light at the end of the tunnel was closer because, tomorrow, granted Wrestler McMann said so, I could leave this fine establishment. I would be out. I was actually nervous about leaving. I didn’t think I would be or could be, yet I was.
I had a home to go to thanks to Andi, but I had no job and no money.
“Reign,” the doctor called out then slammed something hard on the desk, my attention quickly going to him. “That’s better. I’m tired of hearing myself talk.”
I doubted that, but whatever. I had come down for my last session about twenty minutes ago. I wanted it over and done with. The sooner, the better, but that didn’t mean I wanted to chitchat.
“Plans,” he continued. “We need to talk plans for when you get out of here.”
I didn’t say anything, so he continued, “What are you specifically going to do?”
I again stared. I went from wanting to end everything to now making plans for days with unexpected outcomes. I didn’t have a plan. I was only surviving at the moment, another thing I didn’t think I had wanted to do.
“Reign, you have to have a goal, a plan for when you walk out those doors and back into the day-to-day world.”
Panic crept up my spine and twisted around my neck. I had gotten used to not having visitors to my room; therefore, it was a safe place. Now, I wouldn’t have that. Anyone could come anywhere I was, and there would be no stopping it or them.
I tried to stay in the moment. The panic, the emotions, the thoughts, they crept in. Then, like a whirlpool in the ocean, they spun together in my mind. Too many swirling feelings hit me hard in the gut, knocking the wind out of my sails.
Here I had thought I had grown quite a bit, but maybe not as much as I had believed.
“Reign,” he called again as I blew out deeply.
“I don’t know,” I finally answered, getting my breathing and thoughts under control. “I know I’m going to live with Andi. I don’t know how it’s going to be or where I’ll sleep, but I know she’ll help me. I need to find a job and make money. Other than that, I don’t know.” I knew I kept repeating the same words, but they were the truest words I could speak.
I didn’t know. Even if I had twenty bucks right now, I wasn’t sure I could buy a clue. I had so many thoughts and emotions spinning around I didn’t know if there was room to add a clue.
“That’s a good start. What about what you have with Lynx?” Just his name put me on alert, even if I had no idea what was going on there. “He says he’s going to help you with your past. Tell me how you feel about this.”
I sat for long moments, not saying anything. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to talk about Lynx or finding out about my past, but I guessed they were linked in some weird way I had never thought possible.
The storm was brewing inside me, but I closed my eyes and simply breathed, hoping I could put it at bay.
“I’m nervous to speak to my mother. She’s hated me since I was born, so there shouldn’t be any change. I don’t want to see my father.” I was adamant on that one. I wanted nothing to do with that man. “I’m still not sure how it will help me.” I paused. “But if Lynx says it will…” I let my words drift out. I was going to say that H-word then thought better of it.
“What if Lynx doesn’t follow through?” he asked.
My gut twisted as pain speared through it. I didn’t want Lynx to be like everyone else. I wanted him to be the one who was different, who knew what they were doing. I wanted to have something to hold on to, even if it was by the tips of my fingernails. I wanted him to be that, but the little niggling of doubt was a lot to bear.
I only shrugged.
He continued, “Will you find her without him?”
That was the million-dollar question, and as I sat there in the silence, I decided, “Yes, I will.”
“What are you going to do about Drew?” The doctor was good today, because this shot through my heart.
I shrugged again, not giving any more to him this time.
“No, young lady. As your doctor, I need you to have a plan in place for what you will do when you feel down. You get to choose whatever techniques we talked about, such as the deep breathing; counting to fifty when your anxiety builds up; doing some type of relaxation, like yoga, to keep yourself centered; or writing all of your feelings in a journal. Then when you close it, you find something positive to do. You have to learn to control where your mind goes and retrain your way of thinking so it’s not negative. I can’t let you out of here without it.”
That perked my attention. I was so stepping out of those doors tomorrow, the unknown be dammed.
