Page 30 of Needing to Fall
“I see what the doc’s saying. You might find out shit that will hurt; I’m sure of it. However, I’ll be there. Andi will be there. You’ll figure it out.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was caught on the part where he had said he would be there, like he wouldn’t just be finding me information, but he would be there with me every step of the way.
I tried to process it in the moment yet came up short. As a result, I focused on Andi, instead. She would be there for me if I needed her. I knew that down to my soul.
Maybe, if I found all this out, I could find me.
“Then there’s Drew,” the doctor said, making my stomach plummet to my toes. That so called confidence I had thought I was gaining melted into a pool around my feet, swirling and disappearing into nothingness.
Drew.What in the hell would I do about that part of my life?
“You have two options,” Lynx said, rattling me. How was he in my head? “One, you never contact him again and let him live his life. Or two, you contact him and talk to him.”
How could I never talk to him, never see him, knowing he’s alive and living? Then, on the other hand, what would I say to him?Oh, hi, remember me, the girl you watched fucking her foster father before she watched you die?Neither were on my list.
“I’m not sure I can do either of those.”
“You don’t have to decide right now. You have time.”
Again, this was true because it was my choice. I had the control of both of these options. I liked that. I liked it a lot.
“I do,” I whispered.
***
I didn’t want to go to therapy today. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk. No, it was because it was my last session with Lynx. While I didn’t think he’d renege on helping once I stepped outside these doors, there was no guarantee. There never was in life. However, if I wanted to figure myself out, I had to push forward.
As I sat in my chair, neither Lynx nor I spoke. I didn’t even look at him. I couldn’t force myself to do it. I had this disappointing feeling he would give up on me like so many others in my life, and I didn’t want him to be that person. I didn’t want to have any hope he could be different, but the burn in my heart was what agonized me the most, and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t put words to it.
“So, Lynx, do you think you have yourself under control?” Wrestler McMann asked him, but I still didn’t look his way, choosing to chew on my thumbnail, instead.
“I’m good,” he replied, not giving the doctor an inch.
“Not good enough. What are you going to do to tamp your anger? We’ve talked about several techniques; which do you think would work best?”
I looked up at Lynx through my lashes, not wanting to make eye contact yet unable to help myself as I listened to him speak.
“I’ll stop and think before I react.” He paused. “Oh, and keep taking those little pills every day.”
My head snapped up at that, and our eyes connected, his registering a little shock.
“Pills?”
The nurse had tried to get me to take pills, but I flat-out refused. I had always had an aversion to them. I’m not sure when in my life that had started exactly.
“Yep, I get to feeling pretty good and think I don’t need to take them anymore, because hell, I’m good.” He shook his head. “I need the fuckers. Hate takin’ them, but they help.” He shrugged as if it weren’t a big deal at all.
“I don’t want any pills,” I told him. I didn’t even want sleeping pills. Nothing.
“This is something that we need to discuss,” the doctor threw in, causing both Lynx and my eyes to come back to him. He sat at his desk, fingers laced together and eyes boring into mine. “I highly advise you begin the medication regimen that I’ve laid out for you, too.”
I shook my head as Lynx spoke up. “Why don’t you want the pills? Don’t want people to think you’re crazy?” He said this comment like it was perfectly natural for someone to think this.
“I don’t have any people to worry about thinking I’m…” I trailed off, not really wanting to say the word.
Lynx caught on. “Soyoudon’t want to think you’re crazy.”
“I’m not crazy,” I barked a bit more harshly than anticipated.
