Page 27 of Needing to Fall
Nurse Hatchet took a step closer to me, concern and comfort in her eyes that I had become accustomed to and liked, for that matter.
Thoughts of Andi spun out of control in the sea, and I started to panic—deep to my bones panic, like I wasn’t in my body panic. Suddenly, I couldn’t find air. I sucked in and out deeply but still couldn’t find it.
Nurse Hatchet was right in my face, but she didn’t touch me.
“Reign, breathe slowly, in and out,” she kept saying over and over again, but it took a lot of times before I listened, started breathing, and brought myself somewhat under control.
It’s Andi, a soft voice said in the back of my head. I knew it was right. This was Andi, my best friend. I thought back to what Lynx had said about her not really having a choice in what she had done, and the image of seeing her dead on the ground instead of me assaulted me.
I sank down to the floor and pulled my knees up into my body, finally getting my breathing under control. Nurse Hatchet sat next to me, mimicking my position.
“She misses you, too, ya know?”
It hurt to think I was the cause of her pain. I didn’t want to be that. Even if she had betrayed me by putting me in this wretched place, I never wanted to be the source of pain to her; yet, I was.
As tears filled my eyes, it took everything I had to keep them in check.
“Do you want to get up before she comes in, or do you want to stay there?” Wrestler McMann asked.
I had half a mind to take off my rubber shoe and throw it at him. He wasn’t going to give me an out on this. He was going to make me do this. He almost seemed gleeful that he had me. Unfortunately, like Lynx had said, we sometimes got into our own heads and the outside world’s agenda didn’t see ours. So the doctor’s glee didn’t register until much later.
I wanted to blame Andi for putting me in here. I wanted to yell and scream at her for doing this to me. It was like my mind wanted to take me there, but I fought it because what Andi had done was the only thing she could do given the situation, and she cared. When I needed to fall, Andi was there.
I didn’t answer the doc. Instead, I rose from the floor, staying near the wall and using it as my anchor. The rushing water became swirling rapids so fast there was no slowing it. It was going to pull me under.
Nurse Hatchet started grunting from the floor. I noticed she was having trouble getting on one of her knees. Without thinking, I grabbed her arm and helped her up. At her slight touch, the rapids slowed just a bit.
It wasn’t until moments later, when the door opened, I realized I was still holding on to my nurse; only, this time, I was clutching her hand like she was my life force. And she was. Any confidence I found in searching for answers and gaining my power vanished. I was back there, back in that dark pit.
As Andi entered the space, I sucked in a deep breath. Her face was void of the happy sunshine I had grown accustomed to. Now, her eyes were sunken in like she hadn’t slept in a really long time. Her cheeks didn’t have their normal natural glow, and her body was almost frail. This wasn’t the Andi I had left in the car that day. No, this was a shell of her. Even her hair didn’t catch the light like it used to.
My heart hurt with a pain that was harsher than a stab. It was worse. It was bleeding for Andi, just like all those years ago when it had bled for Drew. I had done this to her. I had made her feel this way. I had never wanted that for her.
Although I had wanted her to live her life without the weight of me dragging her down, I had done it anyway. I had sucked her down into my pit, which caused the ache inside me to grow.
I didn’t make a play for her. No, I stayed rooted to the spot with my nurse, still clutching her hand with the force of a car clamp, using her as my brace. I didn’t know what to expect, because I didn’t know how to feel. I was pissed, hurt, scared, lost, and even a bit embarrassed. My blood was pumping through me so hard my heart was thumping in my ears like a loud band playing. I was sure the others in the room would be able to hear it.
Andi clasped her hands in front of her, her eyes locked on me. Tears filled them, and she didn’t stop them from spilling over her cheeks. I could see the pain inside of her was deep to her core, almost totally extinguishing the light in her eyes that I had relied on so much for so long.
The realization hit me hard that I had taken for granted the sunshine she had given me for so long. She had given it to me freely, and I had sucked it up like a starving woman.
The hollow in my gut opened. I couldn’t figure out if I had ever given anything back to her in all that time or if I had just taken.
I didn’t think; I acted. I released Nurse Hatchet’s hand and moved faster than I had moved in a long time. I didn’t catch Andi’s reaction before I engulfed her in my arms and rested my head on her shoulder.
She was statue still for only moments before her arms wrapped around me, and I lost it. Heavy sobs racked me, but these weren’t ones I had shed these past few years. No, these were the earth shattering ones like the moment I thought I had lost Drew. These squeezed my insides and wrung them so tightly I was sure to combust.
Andi’s arms constricted around me as her body began to shake from her own sobs, our bodies moving in tandem. That was when the weight of everything hit me hard, so hard my knees gave out. Andi wasn’t prepared for it, so we both clattered to the floor in a heap without letting go of each other for a second.
We stayed in that exact spot for what felt like forever. Even after the sobs turned into horrible hiccups then into little whimpers, we remained clutched together. Even after the tears dried up, we didn’t move. I simply held on to her, lost in the moment and not wanting to let her go ever.
“Ladies.” The doctor’s voice came from behind me, but we both ignored it, each of us gaining our breaths and trying to still our bodies.
I felt her warmth like a blanket. This was the first time I had felt warmth in so long, and I didn’t want to let it go.
“Ladies.” This time, the words were bolder and terser. I knew my time was up, but I still didn’t want to release her.
“Reign.”
