Page 40 of Bound by Affliction
16
Leah
“Canyou please explain to me why you feel you can’t go with him?” Anne asks me, sitting across the small space of the room. She’s in her upper forties, I would guess. Her skin is beautiful, like she’s worked really hard over the years trying to maintain it. Her makeup is as natural as it comes, but with great skin who needsit.
Unfortunately, it only reminds me of my skin and all of the imperfections I have now. Some scars are gone, while others have keloids over them and will never go away. My body isn’t the same as before, and the only time I feel partially beautiful is in Green’sarms.
There was a time that I wanted him to leave. That I wanted him to just get on his bike and ride away from me. But no, he had to stay. He had to stay and show me day in and day out the kind of man he is. How he takes care of me and listens to me. He is so damn patient I’m pretty sure he needs an award from the Vatican. He’s slept beside me every night, never taking it farther than kissing and a littletouching.
He wants more, and there are times when I do too. But those damn thoughts won’t go away. It shouldn’t bother me because they never raped me, but it’s the fear that holds me back. And I know he’s leaving. It’s been a week and two days since he told me he was leaving. Nine days where I’ve tried to prepare myself for his loss after having him twenty-four hours aday.
It’s selfish, I know it. But how does one lose something so close to them? If he would have left in the beginning before all this time together, it would be easier. We only had letters, a few meetings, a kiss, phone calls and texts. It wouldn’t have hurt that bad,right?
Hell, even I can’t fool my damn self anymore. It would have hurt before too. But maybe not this much. Maybe not slicing through me, just waiting for the ball todrop.
I overheard a conversation he was having with one of his brothers the other day. Only hearing one side, words like ‘soon’ and ‘couple of days’ stood out to me. So I know it’s coming, and I don’t know if I’d rather him tell me or just go. I’m not sure at this point which one will hurtworse.
Probably everyscenario.
“Leah?” Anne says, grabbing myattention.
“Sorry, I wasthinking.”
Her soft smile is reassuring. I’ve felt comfortable with Anne since the beginning. I didn’t think I would because who wants to tell a stranger all the shit they have going on up in their head. Then to have them judge you for what you say. I don’t think Anne judges me, but she does listen and give advice. Even if it’s not what I want to hear, she still lays it on me and I think that’s what Ineed.
“I can tell. Care toshare?”
I wring my hands in front of me. Yes, I feel comfortable talking to her, but it’s not easy. Nothing has been easy exceptGreen.
“Because I’m not whole. I’m not the me I was when he wanted me. I’m not the person he needs me tobe.”
“Has he given you any indication that you aren’t?” she firesback.
My silence is theanswer.
“Right. I’m not telling you to pack up your life and move with him. I just want you to talk it out and decide for yourself what you want to do. This is a no-judgement zone. I only want what’s best for you, and I want you to feel safe to get everythingout.”
Blowing out a deep breath, I cross my legs then pull at a small string in my jeans. “He’s great, has been from the start. He has this look to him, well you’ve seen him. It’s his don’t mess with me, I’ll kick your ass look. And he’s that way to everyone but me. He’s gotten mad before, but never to me like that. Like he’d crush me into apile.”
She says nothing, and Icontinue.
“He has this whole other side to him that I first learned from our letters. At first, he didn’t write but a sentence or two, but as time went on, he wrote more and I did too. It was like we were pen pals in some ways. Then it moved on to the phone, first texts then calls. Then meeting up. It’s been this progression from the beginning. Everything going slow andbuilding.”
A bird lands by the window, its wings flapping in the wind. “I really thought we had something great. Something I hadn’t found in anyone.” My words falter while the bird turns to stare at me like, ‘say it wouldya.’
“But I’m not that same person anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m better than when I first came home, but not back to me. I still jump when there are loud noises. I fear anyone seeing me without any clothes on. I watch everyone around me, coming into this place, and want to make sure no one is going to jump out and grab me. Even on the back of Green’s bike, it takes me a while to relax and know that no one is there to hurtme.”
“And Green’s been there every step of theway.”
The bird flies off, my focus going back to Anne. “Yeah.”
“Remember I asked you before if you thought Green was a crutch? You didn’t answer last time.” she asks me, as I search my memory. “A crutch. Like when you break your leg you need something to hold you up. In your case, someone to hold youup.”
“Yeah, I remember that.” When she asked me the first time, I didn’t have an answer so I remained quiet. Unfortunately, Anne’s not letting thisgo.
My brain ticks back through everything that has happened over the last couple of months. How Green would wait for me to make decisions, giving me my power back. How he listened and never condescended, but also didn’t let me get away with putting myself down either. How he was always there, but knew the times when I really needed some space from him and would giveit.
“No. I don’t feel that he’s a crutch. Yes, if he leaves tomorrow, I’ll be upset and scared, but I’d still be able to stand on my own twofeet.”
