Page 47 of Bound by Vengeance
He squeezes my leg, and my focus goes to him.
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
“Dad said the same thing. You can get that story from him. I’m tired of talking about it.” And I am. I love my family, but bringing all this up is killing me. It’s making me relive it. My family can’t want that.
“Alright. What the fuck is goin’ on with you and Ryker?” He changes the topic instantly to another one that is off-limits.
Lovely.
“Not talking about that, either, Nox.”
Emery falls into the recliner with a cup of yogurt, eating away. “He sleeps with her and lots of noises come from the room.”
I grab the throw pillow next to me and toss it at her. Her hand jolts up and yogurt covers her shirt.
“Austyn! What the fuck!” She stands up immediately, going to the kitchen.
“Don’t spread my business,” I warn. Why does everyone feel the need to do this? It’s frustrating.
“I don’t get you,” Emery says in a huff, dipping a paper towel under the tap then wiping her shirt. “You’ve wanted him forever. You have him here, in your bed, what you’ve always wanted, and no-go.”
“Did you not hear that he forced my father to make me tell them?”
She tosses the paper towel in the trash. “I get that. It was shit, but before that all came out. Are you punishing yourself because you had an abortion?”
Her question hits me so hard breaths are tough to take. Part of me is. I’ve known it from the moment I walked out of that clinic feeling empty. Not just that, but add in how the baby was conceived and it’s all become a hazy mess in my head. All of it jumbling and twisting into a tight knot that I fear will never be loosened. Instead, it’ll eat me alive.
I remember lying on that exam table, everything so sterile and the smell of antiseptic invading my nostrils. The large light shined down from above, then the smaller light at the bottom half of my body. When the doctor asked if I was ready, I wanted to scream and yell, but only responded with a quiet “yes.”
Tears fell the entire time. Some for the baby. Some for the life I’d never have. Some for the love I’d never feel. Some for the destruction that had been laid at my feet. All of it compiling into swamp inside my head. A swamp that threatened to pull me down into its depth with each moment that passed by. The water was murky, ready to grab me and pull me under, sucking all the life out of me.
It still feels that way sometimes, when memories of my baby come to me. Like I’m sinking into nothingness, unable to hold on or come up for air.
Ryker knows about the baby, but not the other thing. The other would turn him away from me quickly. It’s better this way.
I’ve grown too close to him lately, allowing him to touch me and comfort me. Those lines need to be formed again, and this time, no going back.
“I guess.” My voice is a whisper, not wanting to respond, but knowing a shrug won’t cut it for an answer.
She charges over and falls to her knees in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “Whatever your reasons are don’t matter, Austyn. It happened and it’s over. There is no reason to feel any guilt for it. Decisions are hard, and I suspect this one was the hardest. But there’s no guilt. No shame. No self-loathing because of it. I’m not saying go skip off into the sunset and never think about it—it’s part of your history. But hurting yourself for it isn’t an option anymore, Austyn. You deserve to be happy and loved.”
Tears well up and roll down my cheeks. I needed those words from her. God, how I’ve needed them. Being alone through it, I’d often wonder if I made the right decision or if I ever deserve to have a baby again in my life because of what I did. Let alone to ever be happy. Why should I be happy when my baby isn’t here? It doesn’t seem right.
Emery’s words, though … they’re what I needed to hear because the guilt is eating me alive. If they knew the reason, they would understand, but they won’t know. Emery is right; it doesn’t matter the why because it’s over. At least that part of it. The darkness inside me is still seeking vengeance, though, but it happened and now I need to move on.
“Thank you,” I choke out, and as I do, a weight lifts from my shoulders. One that’s been holding me down for months and months. The tightness in my chest begins to loosen, and I can breathe a bit more than before.
“You’re not going to like what I’m going to say next.”
I toss my head back to the couch. I just had an epiphany in my life and now she’s throwing me a curveball.
She taps me on the leg, and I lift my head.
“I know you’re pissed at Ryker.”
“Emery …” I warn, but she doesn’t stop, just railroads right over me.
“He did you a favor.” My body jolts as heat sprouts in all directions. “Hear me out.” I give a slight nod, barely containing myself. “I’m not saying he should be sharing your shit, but you’ve grown up in this club, and you know how things are. It came from a good place. I know it. Ryker loves you, Austyn.”
