Page 77 of Bound by Desire
“Oh, honey.” Ma grabs Rylie, pulling her into a hug. “So happy tomeetyou.”
“Woman, back off so I can get me some,” Pops, my grandfather, says, coming up behind her. He puts his arms around me, giving me a slap on the back, then giving Rylieahug.
It’s another reminder of the things I missed. Time that I can’t get back, but will do my damnedest to makeupnow.
“Deacon,” my mother calls from the recliner in thelivingroom.
Her beautiful hair now gone, she has a scarf around her head. Her second round of chemo is fully done, and the doctors are optimistic. She’s had some tests done, so we’re waiting on the results, every one of us thinking positive. That’s all we can dorightnow.
I kneel at her side and kiss her hand. “Hey. How yafeelin’?”
She gives me a soft squeeze. “Same,babyboy.”
“Ma, do I look likeababy?”
Her smile comes. I love seeing it on her. “Doesn’t matter your age, you’ll always be mybabyboy.”
“It’ll never fuckin’ change,” Cooper says, slapping my back with a smile on his face, his woman, Bristyl, holding his hand. “They’ll never stop. It’s not even worth wasting yourbreath.”
“That’s right,” my mother agrees on asmile.
“Alright, let’s get this done so I can get back home to my girl,” Cruzannounces.
I take a seat on the floor, pressing my back against Mom’s chair and pulling Rylie down between my legs. She rests her back against my front perfectly, like she’s made to be there. Then she rests her hands on mine that are pressed against herwaist.
It’s strange how familiar this feels after being gone for so long. It’s like I wasn’t gone a day, and things are back to the way they were supposed to be. How we can go back to this so quickly, I don’t know. Maybe it has to do with what we saw with Austyn, or how I took everyone’s backs. I don’t know, but this feeling of belonging is like nothing I’ve ever felt. With my woman and family, not sure what could get better. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to last long. I have this feeling, with the way that Cruz’s gaze cuts through everyone, there is going tobepain.
“Bottom line is, Austyn is shut up tight.” Cruz stops, taking in a breath and wrapping his arm around Princess, pulling her tight against his side. “Deke, is there anything you can give us? Why you brought her home? Why she cametoyou?”
My chest feels tight, weighted, heavy. Damn, this is not a place I want to be. This is a lose-lose situation, smacking me hard in the face. I tell them, I break Austyn’s confidence. I don’t, I could lose theirs. Worse, this is all my fault. JK said he’d hurt her. He told me flat-out, and I still came home, making a wrong choiceagain.
“Because of me.” The words are soft, but Rylie hears them. Her body stills inmyarms.
“She doesn’t blame you, Deke. We’ve asked,” Cruz starts, obviouslyhearingme.
“Doesn’t mean it’s not my fault. I came back here, and JK did what he said he’d do. Shot up my woman’s house and hurt Austyn. It’s on me.” The guilt weighs me down like a lead balloon. “We need to find him and makehimpay.”
“Baby,” Rylie starts, but I move to get up, needing to walk out some of thisenergy.
I hoped the demons were gone, but finding out this was more than likely my fault isn’t what I want to hear. The urge to get into the ring and pound some fleshhitshard.
Inside, fury takes over. I try to push it away, wondering if I would’ve stayed away if she wouldn’t havebeenhurt.
Everything crashes around me, and I feel my knees begin to give. Reaching out, I grip the wall to hold myself up, the weight settling onmehard.
“Son,” my father calls out, walking overtome.
We haven’t had a sit down or man to man since everything came out. Not gonna lie, I haven’t wanted to start it all up again. Wanted to move past it. However, it’s now time to hash it out, which isn’t a good thing. My emotions are too high. I’ve been doing a damn good job keeping my head on straight when he’s around. Now, I’m not sure I can dig deep enough for thatlevel.
“Don’t weigh this shit on your shoulders. It’sonmine.”
I stand there in stunned silence as my father takes accountability for what happened all those years ago, something I never thought would happen in my wildest dreams. It kills me knowing everything we lost. Knowing that he pushed me away and let that eat at me for so manyyears.
“Shoulda listened; that’s on me. Gotta carry that around for the rest of my life. Knowin’ I’m the one who didn’t listen when you were tryin’ to do good. This shit is a result of my fuck up. One that I’ll be tellin’ Austyn I’m sorry for, for the rest of my life. You don’t get that. You don’t get that guilt. That’s on me, and I’mtakin’it.”
My mother sobs in her chair, and I see Rylie move over to hold her hand in comfort. I thank God I have such a greatwoman.
“Dad.” The word feels foreign because I haven’t used it in so long, at least not in the way I am now, with sincerity. I feel the clog in my throat, but pushitdown.
