Page 37 of Bound by Desire
It takes me a bit aback that that’s the one thing he really got out of it, but I answer, “Never.”
His grip on the steering wheel gets tighter, but his focus stays on the road. I wish I could get in that headofhis.
ChapterEleven
Fuck me.The connection I felt when I laid eyes on her at the clubhouse is proving deeper than surface. This is more than attraction. This is a pull stronger than any drug I’ve had pump through myveins.
Of all the things to connect us, it must be our sense of unworthiness from our families. I hate that shit for her, because I’ve lived it all my life. I know how it eats at your insides, festers and turns toanger.
The thing is, she doesn’t seem angry. No, instead, she comes across as strong, independent, and happy. The way she speaks, she has a damn good head on hershoulders.
“You said your parents werekilled.”
I hear her breath heave, no doubt from a topic she doesn’t want to talkabout.
I know I’m pushing her, but I need the distraction. The gym didn’t ease the tension, frustration, and so many years of anguish. I need to focus on something other thanmyself.
“Yeah. Drive-by shooting. They were in their home, shots rang throughout the house, and within moments, I becameparentless.”
“Damn, babe.Sorry.”
When I was younger, I wanted to be my father more than anything. I wanted to be by his side. I wanted to have my bike next to his, the Ravage MC cut on my back, and all the brothers at my back. It was all I ever wanted. All I desired, even at ayoungage.
Around me was family all the time. Cooper and I raised hell. Then shit went bad with him and Nox, and I raised hell. I always had someone at my back, doing stupid shit and getting in trouble more times than I cancount.
All it took for me was a hit, one. One bad decision turned into years of fucked up shit. One hit easily turned into two. Then three … Then I couldn’t stop. The escape away from life was too much to not grab ahold of and embrace. There was no thinking. No control. No nothing, but me on the high of my life. It wasn’t about Ravage, Cooper, shit I lost, shit I wanted and would never have. Itwaseasy.
Then that high wasn’t enough, and so on, until my folks threw me in rehab. I needed it before the crud I was hitting killed me, but it is still a craving inside me that’s more intense than anything I’veeverhad.
“Shit happens in life. You play the hand you’redealt.”
“Right,” I agree, staring out at the road before me, my mother flashing throughmyhead.
Cancer. The thought is a punch tothegut.
When I think back, really think back, my mother always defended me. I always wondered if she really accepted me for me. If she actually thought I was a total fuck up in my life or somehow could see through the bullshit. It’s been so long I shouldn’t care, but fuck, I do. She’smymom.
Listening to Rylie and the fact she lost her mother and father, I realize I’m not ready for that shit. Not to mention a fuck of a lot of time I’vewasted.
Fuck, there are consequences, though, if I stay. Somehow, I need to figure that shitout,too.
I rub my hand over my face and throughmyhair.
“If you want to talk about it, it’s lookin’ like I’m not goin’anywhere.”
The last time I let someone carry the weight of my shit was back when Coop and I were tight. He took my shit, helped me sort it, and then we moved on. Even young, he knew how to solve pretty much everything. That’s what I admired mostabouthim.
Since him, there’s been no one. Not Nox. Not the dozens of therapists in rehab. Not the support groups. Not the specialists. Not the doctors. No one. It’s all been on me. I can take it. I’ve done it for four years now. The thought of dumping it on someone else and letting them carry the load istempting.
But it’s nothappening.
I gave into temptation too many times. I won’t do it again, nomatterwhat.
We drive for a while in silence that isn’t uncomfortable. It’s peaceful in a way I don’t get, yet I take it. I need it. I needpeace.
Pulling off into a cove I remember from back in the day, I throw the truck in park, knowing I shouldn’t do what I’m about to do. With all the shit swirling around me, I need to keep focus. Right now, though, I cravedistraction.
Fuckit.
