Page 4 of Hate Sex
We sit there for long moments, only the slight rustle of the leaves making any noise. I wait. And wait.
“No. I wouldn’t have been happy. I’d have been miserable. I can’t see myself working in an office nine to five. I love meeting people and talking. But…” He trails off, leaving the ‘if it’s what would have made my father happy’ part.
“But nothing. You can’t live your life for someone else. You have to be happy in whatever you choose. What your father said is shit. But Teo, even you said to Devin once that he was a proud Italian-American who worked hard to get where he was in life. You did the same thing, Teo. I believe with everything inside of me, that your father was just worried about you. He just wanted to make sure that you wouldn’t settle. You would keep your options open until the one came.” Lord, he’s going to think I’ve lost my ever-loving mind, and I’m pretty sure that I have. Where the hell do I get off spouting all this shit like I reallyknowTeo?
I only know what I’m told, and now I’m coming off like a know-it-all fool. I should just get up and move away from him before I stick my foot further down my throat. He nudges me with his shoulder, and I get a slight thrill. What the hell is wrong with me?
“Ya know, kid, you’re not half bad.”Kid.Are you fucking kidding me right now? I want to smack him down to size, show him that I’m not a damn kid. Instead, I breathe in deep and exhale it, getting myself under control. “You’re right, but still sucks my father didn’t approve of me.”
It does. And there isn’t anything he can do about it. My anger dissipates and for some asinine reason, I lay my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his body. He sighs but doesn’t move from my embrace. I don’t time how long we stay just like this, I just enjoy this brief moment in time where he’s not calling me names and I’m not retorting back.
“What’s going on?” Devin comes up, a puzzled look on his face. I let go of Teo instantly and rise from my spot. Not that we were doing anything wrong, but it feels like we just got caught doing exactly that.
“Nothing, man,” Teo says, rising from his spot and brushing off the back of his jeans. Devin looks to the both of us not saying anything, but his mind is going. “The little munchkin here was just giving me a shoulder.” Teo turns to me. “Thanks, but your pity for me is over.”
Ouch. I flinch at his words, instantly reminding me that I hate the jerk.
Too bad that was the day I realized I was in love with the asshole just the same.
Looking back now, his father was right. No, he shouldn’t have gone into the family business, but the company he keeps is still the same after all this time. Mostly bleach blondes on his arm at events or even the now and again paparazzi picture. All busty and all not lasting more than a few times, then on to the next. The total opposite of me.
I pull into my driveway and put the car in park. What the hell am I doing? Why do I go to him when I feel like this every damn time I leave? So lost, so broken. So damn hurt. I need to stop this. I need to.
For two years we’ve played this game. But I have no one to blame but myself. I was the one to seek him out. I made myself available to him, no questions asked. I could blame it on tequila, but what’s the point? All it took was one night at a bar and me getting liquid courage to go after what I wanted. Now, I could kick myself for it because I’m afraid it’s going to be my ultimate downfall.
I get out of my car and walk up to my light blue bungalow. The outside is well put together, and my father helped me plant plants that wouldn’t die since I am so horrible at growing anything. Entering the house, I throw my bag on the table and head to the kitchen, grabbing a Diet Coke.
I stare out the window, my hip resting on the countertop. I can feel Teo leaking out of me and instead of taking a drink, I allow the tears to fall. I have to stop this. My heart aches. I can’t do this to myself anymore. This has to be the last time. I need to break my addiction to him.
It will be nothing for him; he’ll have Betsy, Bonnie, Bimbo knocking on his door in probably thirty minutes. Me, he’s been my only since I’ve started this with him. I’ve been out on dates, but I never gave it up. How pathetic have I become? I can’t believe I’m doing this shit to myself.
The worst of it is, I work for him. Even if I get away from the sexual aspect, I’ll see him all the time. I organize his and Devin’s schedules, books, and well everything else. I’ll never escape him unless I give him up as my employer, but that would mean giving up my brother, and I’d never do that.
Tonight was it, though. Sexually. I can’t do this to myself anymore. My heart aches and cracks, sending splintering pain throughout my body. The tears fall as I collapse to the floor unable to hold the weight a second longer. No more. I need more than this.
I wish my heart would agree.
