Page 4 of A Virgin for the Vicious Highlander
Cecilia rubbed her throbbing temples, attempting to stop the headache she could feel coming. “It’s nae me intention, Aunt Mairie.”
“Maither Superior!” Mairie blinked up at the sky, no doubt asking the heavens themselves for help with her wayward niece. “Ye can either be a part of this convent or ye cannae, but this in-between cannae continue. Ye promised me ye’d take yer vowssix months ago. Then, ye promised me ye’d take them once we returned to the convent from the church. Well, we’ve been back a fortnight now, and ye’vestillmade nay sign that ye’re goin’ to take them.”
“I dinnae feel settled yet,” Cecilia replied, her head bowed, hoping to look as remorseful as possible. “I ken it looks the same as it did, more or less, but it doesnaefeelthe same yet.”
Thanks to Camden, the convent had been restored with surprising swiftness to its former condition, though the walls were now higher and the doors heavier, with more locks. He had explained the changes as a safety measure, considering what had happened there, but, to Cecilia, it just felt even more like a prison.
“Nay, I willnae hear any more excuses,” Mairie said, her hands clasped together. “I’ve overlooked yer tricks for too long, thinkin’ ye just needed more time, but yer time has run out. If ye dinnae want to take yer vows, then it is what it is, but ye cannae stay at the convent anymore.”
Cecilia’s head snapped up, her eyes widening in horrified surprise. “What?”
“It’s nae what I want, Cecilia,” Mairie continued, her voice catching, “but ye’ve left me with nay alternative. If ye dinnae wish to be a nun, ye cannae remain here. The rule has always been there, but I have stretched it for ye, as I stretched it for Paisley because she was yer friend.”
Cecilia pushed herself onto her knees. “Ye would… throw me out?”
“I would ask ye to leave, aye,” Mairie replied, unable to look at her niece. “I have given ye exemption after exemption, but there has to be a limit, Cecilia. I’ve reached it.”
On shaky legs, Cecilia lumbered to her feet. “But I dinnae have anywhere else to go. If ye throw me out, anythin’ could happen to me. And I wouldnae be able to see ye again.” She pointed at the broken door. “Once I leave the convent, I cannae come back in. Ye’re a closed order, remember.”
“Which is why I’m hopin’ ye’ll take yer vows.” Mairie met her niece’s eyes, her lips pressed together as if to prevent them from trembling. “I adore ye, despite yer mischiefs. I love ye, I wish to take care of ye still, butyehave to make yer choice now.”
Had this news come six weeks ago, Cecilia could have taken refuge at Castle Cairn, but Paisley had announced a month ago that she was with child.
Of course, Cecilia knew that her best friend would still take her in, if necessary, but she did not want to be the cause of any additional stress for Paisley at such a time. Nor did she want to be a burden—a woman without a family, station, wealth, or circumstance, cast adrift in a clan and castle that was not her own.
I couldnae just wander about, doin’ nothin’. I’d have to make meself useful, or else I wouldnae be able to bear meself.
She supposed she could ask Paisley to hire her as a maid or a cook’s assistant or something like that, but she feared that she would just be leaving one prison for another. If she defied orders at Castle Cairn, it would reflect poorly on Paisley—something Cecilia could not do to her friend.
“Ye dinnae mean that,” she said hopefully. “Ye’re cross because of me doin’ me chores earlier than ye wanted. I’ll do twice the chores to make amends.”
But Mairie shook her head. “It wouldnae make a difference if ye did, and that’s nae why I’m cross—I’m frustrated because ye’re takin’ advantage of me affection for ye. And because I… dinnae think ye actually want to be a nun. Ye dinnae take it seriously, though it means everythin’ to me, and… aye, it’s time for ye to make yer choice.” She paused, her sad eyes shimmering. “It’s dangerous out there for a lass alone, so I pray that ye will see sense, but if it’s yer decision to be free of this place, then… I’ll pray for ye always.”
Cecilia had lost count of the times she had snuck out of the convent, her jaunts into the outside world more exciting than dangerous, but she was no idiot. She knew there was a difference between brief excursions and having to stay out there, with nowhere to go, indefinitely.
What if there is a way to stay withouttakin’ me vows?
An idea began to form in Cecilia’s mind, watered by the memory of a young woman who had knocked on the convent doors in the dead of night a long while ago.Shehad been allowed to stay forseveral years with no word of taking vows and had departed only after falling in love with a man who had come to repair the roof.
“I didnae want to tell ye, Auntie,” Cecilia began, forcing her voice to hitch, transforming her face into a mask of consternation as she paced back and forth across her cell. “Och, I didnae want to. I hoped to keep it from ye forever. I?—”
“What is it, lass?” Mairie stepped forward, placing a halting hand on her shoulder.
Cecilia hung her head, fidgeting with the threadbare sleeves of her nightdress. “I cannae take me vows, Auntie.” She took a deep breath. “I cannae because I’m… I’m… nae pure.”
It was not true, of course. She had told countless lurid tales to Paisley over the years about such “exploits,” but those exploits had belonged to the village girls she had eavesdropped on during her secret excursions outside the convent.Shehad never done more than engage in conversation with the shepherds and village men whose attention she had drawn, though shehadbeen curious here and there. Perhaps that was just as sinful, but it would not be enough to get her out of her vows.
“What?” Mairie gasped, oblivious to her niece’s secret adventures. “What do ye mean? Aside from the night ye stole away to attend Paisley’s weddin’, ye havenae left me sight.”
I have, Aunt Mairie, and so very often. I just havenae done anythin’ to lose me virtue.
Ceciliadidfeel a little guilty, but she could pray for forgiveness later. Right now, she needed to come up with something bad enough to avoid taking her vows, but not so bad that it would see her cast out anyway as a sinful creature.
“I… I kissed someone!” she blurted out, thinking fast.
“When?”
“At Paisley’s weddin’,” Cecilia replied solemnly. “That’s why I asked for more time to take me vows, because… because I kenned I couldnae, and I didnae want to disappoint ye as I’m doin’ right now. But I can make meself useful here, without takin’ me vows. I can cook, I can clean, I can?—”
