Page 76 of Twisted Bonds
"Calm down. You will learn soon enough that although Ryan is a tough cookie most of the time, she still gets overwhelmed when it comes time to confront certain things. Our situation is weighing on her, and even though she knows my feelings about her going on these damn missions, she needed to get away." I stare at my son as he stands there looking lost, but then he squares his shoulders.
"This is Ryan's life now. She needs this for her own sanity and healing, and you trying to stop her from doing these missions isn't fair to her. She's been through a lot, and this helps her to deal with all the shit she went through." Beau's nostrils flare as he glares at me.
"Don't you think I know this, Beau?" I slam my hand down on my desk. "The last mission she was on, she was threatened by the ringleader, who happened to be Dante D'Angelo's best friend. How do you think I felt, knowing that Ryan now had to watch her back because this powerful figure wants revenge, not only because she's fucked with his business, but because he holds her responsible for his friend's death!"
Beau winces, and says, "I didn't know that." He clears his throat and reasserts, "But we still have to let her make her own decisions, Dad. It doesn't matter how we feel about it; all we can do is let her know our feelings and hope that she takes them into consideration."
I nod, but I disagree. However, there is no arguing with my son. There are other ways that Ryan can help without putting herself in the thick of it all. Ryan and Beau don't understand that by letting herself be seen on these missions, she's putting a target on her head for everyone in the skin trade.
I ignore Beau's last comment and say, "Agent Castor is a slight problem. He's the one that keeps coming to her to help him. He knows my feelingson it, and I'm beginning to hate that I brought him into our lives, but he helped get Ryan back home."
"So, why is he the problem?" my son questions with a slight sneer.
Sighing, I sit back in my chair and stare at him briefly before answering, "When he brought Ryan on that last mission, a few things happened that have made me wary of him. Aside from the threat she received from Julien Dalama, Castor took her to the prison where Sergio D'Angelo is being held. Ryan was told that Sergio couldn't see her and didn't know who was behind the mirror, but she told me he came right up and licked the mirror. Sergioknewshe was there. Then, when Castor was dropping her off, I opened the door just as he’d been leaning in to try and kiss her."
The last detail gets Beau's attention. "So, you think he has the hots for Ryan? Do you think he'll try anything with her again?"
"I have no doubt that he will try, but I know Ryan doesn't feel anything for him in that way." I respond to his questions, truly believing what I’m saying, but wondering what is taking place between them as we speak.
"Ryan wouldn't do that. She has us to think about, doesn't she?" Beau is beginning to sound uncertain, and I don't want him to question whether Ryan would hurt him that way.
"Regardless of what has happened between Ryan and me, she still loves you, Beau. Never doubt that. Which is why I know how much she's struggling while trying to figure out what to do with our fucked-up situation."
"I know Ryan loves me. If I had any doubts after I returned, our lunch date the other day confirmed her love for me," Beau states as he stares at his phone and the text she sent, I'm assuming.
My brows furrow. "What do you mean it was confirmed?"
My son's green eyes meet mine. "We shared a very intimate afternoon together. One that was full of emotion and love."
"You and Ryan had sex?" I ask, barely believing that she wouldn't tell me about this, but then again, they're supposed to be figuring things out. However, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
"She didn't tell you?" Beau's forehead creases.
"I haven't talked to her since that morning. It's like she's been ignoring me— now I know why." I start thinking that she's made her choice, but then Beau's next words have me stopping those thoughts.
"She ghosted me, too. I guess this may be my fault that she left. She was confused and needed to get away," he says.
"You may be right. Not about it being your fault, but that Ryan needed time away from both of us. She loves us both, Beau, and I think you know that when Ryan gives her love, she does it wholeheartedly. That’s why she's having such a hard time with making a decision. Ryan never wanted to give me her love; you should know that. It's the same with me. It was strictly D/s because neither of us wanted to meet new people, and we knew we would be safe with each other. Hell, we never shared a bed up until a few weeks before you showed up. This was never supposed to happen…"
I genuinely hope that my son believes it. I should never have started anything with her because she was off-limits, but it happened, and now we're here. We will figure it all out together—well, I hope we will. There's no telling what her thought process will be when she returns.
Scrubbing my hand down my face, I scratch the five o'clock shadow I like keeping because Ryan loves it. "I guess we just wait, and when Ryan gets back, we will all sit down and talk about this."
"I won't give her any ultimatums," Beau tells me. "I won't give her up, so whatever it takes to keep her and make her happy, I'll do it. Ryan has been the love of my life since my sophomore year. I can't see my life without her, and I won't call her 'Mom,' either."
I choke out a laugh at my son's comment, but wince at the thought of him doing just that. I wouldn't want that either. I will forever be her Daddy if she lets me, but I'll be damned if anyone other than our children together, calls her 'Mommy.'
Forty-Three
Ryan
We are going to a place just outside of Delhi, India. I'm feeling out of place for the first time since starting these mission trips. I can't put my finger on it, but something just doesn't feel right. I don't want to alarm anyone, least of all Laney and Heather, but I think they should be aware of my feelings.
"Hey, are you guys doing okay?" I look between them and ask, "Any odd feelings you're getting about this mission or anything?"
They both shake their heads no. "Why are you asking, Ryan?" Heather asks. She knows me too well; they both do.
Brant glances at me with concern. "Are you okay, Ry?"
