Page 51 of Wicked Lies Grow Wildflowers
“Yes, freelance work.Under-the-tablefreelance work. I am contracted out when someone needs a hit taken care of.”
“I’m sorry, are you telling me that youregularlykill people for a living?!”I shriek. I don’t know what I assumed when I watched him kill my mother and her psychotic lover in front of me, probably because I was traumatized and in shock, but it wasn’t this. “You’re anassassin!?” Unreal. This has to be unreal. A one off occurrence to save my life is one thing, this is another beast entirely.
“Assassins are motivated by politics. I’m motivated by money and the desire to rid the world of trash, and I work on a much smaller scale.” I shoot him a look that sayswhy the fuck do the semantics matter?and he takes that as a cue to get on with it. “Look, I was always good at computers and I loved fighting. I trained in martial arts and still do, I crave violence. I decided I could put both of those skills together in a way that benefits me and society in general. So, I entered this line of work, and myshop is legitimate, but it also serves as a front, gives me an alibi, keeps people from suspecting anything of me,” he explains.
“You—you kill people formoney!” I whisper-yell in shock, my mouth hanging open.
“Yes. I do, and I won’t feel bad about it. No one I ever kill is innocent. I only hurt real criminals, people who rape and pimp out women, traffickers, rival gang members and drug dealers who go up against my main client. The scum of the earth, people who don’t deserve the air they breathe. I never touch women or children,” he swears, looking me in the eyes as he does so.
“Except for my mother.” The words come out thick and without thought. I swallow.
“Except for your mother, but she was far from innocent, Maeren, and I couldn’t just stand there and watch her try to kill you,” his voice sounds panicked. “I almost lost you and I couldn’t let that happen. At that moment I would have killed anyone who tried to hurt you. And I’d do it again, and again, and again. No one will ever hurt you, or try to take you from me, ever again or I’ll fucking drag them straight to hell myself.” I soften at his words and the devotion in them. He reaches out for me but pulls his hands back, thinking better of it.
“I know. I know. I just––she was my mom, you know? She was never a good one, I’ll say that much, and she made me feel so fucking low, but she was still my mother. The only family I had left.” I clutch the duvet and swallow. “She’s hurt me so much, so deeply, in ways I’ll never fully heal from, especially not now, but she wasmy mom.I feel so much regret and sorrow over it, but I think I’m a little more relieved than anything else. Does that make me a bad person? Am I horrible for saying this, for even thinking it?” My words are dripping with guilt, because while I had every intention of ending things and walking away for good, I never would have wanted this.
Tears are streaming down my face now, my guilt at my warring emotions cutting deep. I’m more ashamed at how I feel over my mother’s death than I am with the fact that I watched Xander murder two people, listened to him admit he kills for a living, and then still decided to stay lying in his bed.
“No Maeren, you’re not horrible for saying that or feeling it at all. She resented you, and I think in the end she hated you most of all. You never deserved to be treated like that, you never should have gone through any of it. You were abused your entire life by her, you have every fucking right to feel relief. You’re finally free.” He winds his hands in my hair and tilts my face up to meet his eyes, and I let him.
I chew on my lip for a second before admitting, "You're right, I’m finally free.”
But I don’t feel like it, at least not yet.
I’m standingin the kitchen, grabbing another glass of wine when Simon comes up behind me. He leans against me, pressing me into the countertop with his hips. “Hello, Maeren,” he whispers into my ear. My blood runs cold and I lose all train of thought, not understanding what’s going on. I try to turn around, and as I do so he squeezes my ass. “Stop!” I yell.
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want to do with you, Maeren. You’re mine. Don’t you know that? I left you so many little gifts. Tokens of my love.” His hands find my hips and painfully squeeze them, eliciting a small cry from my lips. He takes that as a sign to seize me in a kiss, his tongue entering my mouth. I bite him then, earning a slap across the face as he calls me a bitch. “Stop! Get the fuck off me!” I scream.
My mother runs in then, seeing the two of us, me backed up against the fridge now, his body locked tight against mine. “You stupid fucking bitch!” she seethes.
My mother yells at me—accuses me—as Simon tells her I'm lying. I can’t control the sob that escapes. My own mother won’t believe that her boyfriend assaulted me. She says it’s my fault. I’m just a whore. I’m a whore I’m a whore I’m a whore. They laugh. Taunting me. Every place on my body that Simon touches turns black with rot. My teeth fall out, my lips shrivel up, and they keep laughing over and over and over.
I wake up screaming, my body slick with sweat, my legs tangled in the sheets. I feel an arm wrapped against me and I scream.“Get off me! Get the fuck off me!”
“Maeren. Look at me. Maeren it’s me. Look at me. Shhhh. Baby just look at me.” Xander gently shakes me out of the remnants of my nightmare and I throw myself against him, sobbing into his chest.
Shuddering I ask, “Why is this happening to me? Why me?”
“Because they hurt you, baby, they hurt you deeply. And those kinds of wounds take time to heal. They may never go away completely, but with time they shouldn’t haunt your dreams anymore. And if they persist I’ll find a way to tear every last nightmare from your mind.” And I know he would. “I love you,” he whispers, kissing my head over and over. “I love you so fucking much and I’ll help you through it all, whatever it takes.”
My heart swells at his confession and I’m at a loss for words, so I climb further into his lap and lose myself in him, the terrors held at bay by his confession and the tenderness he shows me.
Xander peels his shirt from my body and worships me, healing every part of my skin that was touched by hands that weren’t his. His hand winds itself into my hair as he climbs atop me, making love to my mouth with his. Every caress feels like healing and he alternates between kissing my mouth andpressing his lips to my forehead. His eyes shine with emotion as he gazes at me, his hand snaking down between my legs and touching the arousal that is only ever there for him.
I reach down and grip his erection, lining it up at my entrance as we lock eyes. I offer him a deep kiss and he slowly notches himself inside of me, inch by perfect inch. I arch my back and gasp when he’s fully seated within me, wrapping my legs around his back and my arms around his shoulders. I’m clinging to him like he’s the only thing keeping me grounded, and he is. His thrusts are slow and purposeful as he continuously professes his love for me. I can’t help but cry at the overwhelming amount of emotion I feel for him and I wish I could fuse my bones with his. He strokes between my legs and it only takes a few movements of his skilled fingers before I see stars.
When I fall over the edge, I whisper, “I love you, too.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
MAEREN
I loveyouI love you I love you. Those three perfect words replay in my mind over and over. Xander told me he loves me. The feeling had been creeping in sincebefore. Before my world imploded. Before the lies ripped my happiness to shreds. Before Simon assaulted me. Before my mother chosehimoverme.She chose a monster over her own daughter. She stood there and fucking saw what was going on and still chose him. And then she attacked me.
My head is throbbing, my face swollen, nose and eyes raw from the constant flow of tears and snot. It’s been forty-eight hours since Xander put a bullet through my mother’s chest. Forty-eight hours since I saw her lifeless body hit the floor with her instantly fatal wound. I can still see all of the blood coating my hands. My feelings are all over the place. At first I felt devastated because she was all I had left of a family. And then I felt relieved. And now… Well now I don’t know what I feel other than confusion and utter exhaustion. I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t know how much longer Icanfeel like this. I’m detached, empty, just a ghost floating through space.
Xander has been amazing at helping me, at being there for me, but is it enough?Shouldit be enough? He lied to me since the fucking day we met and would have continued to lie if he hadn’t been caught. If I hadn’t witnessed what I did, would he have ever told me the truth on his own? How can we be in love with each other if I never even knew who he really was until now? So much of what I knew about him was a facade. And there was so much Ididn’tknow. He may not have been lying to me when he swore he wasn’t leaving me the notes and flowers and trinkets, but what he did was so much worse. He was leading a double life right under my fucking nose and I was toonaiveto see it. But he didn’t mean to hurt me, I remind myself. If anything all of the secrets were to keep me safe.
Pulling the blanket tighter around myself, I curl my knees up to my chest. My bed is my safe place, my solace. I don’t want to face the world. I don’t want to pretend everything is okay, and I don’t want to lie. I’m so fucking done with all the lies. My mother’s death was staged as a domestic dispute, which I guess at the end of the day was all it really was. Xander’s team, well technically his boss’s team, was able to work with the police in order to keep the real reasons behind everything under wraps.
