Page 60 of A Certain Step
Her expression was indecipherable. He looked attentively at her for a second, trying to understand whether she was uncomfortable, shy, or something else.
His heart lodged in his throat. Willa was everything to him. He could finally divulge it all, every little thing he kept veiled out in the open.
Ethan broke the silence. “You mean the world to me, Willa, you know that, right?”
She seemed dejected at first, like he’d said the wrong thing. She swallowed, the sound of her slow breathing filling the space between them.
“You mean the same to me, Ethan. You’re my best friend. I’m pretty sure you’re my person. But that’s exactly what scares me.”
He closed his eyes, processing. Willa was among the smartest people he knew, but good grief, none of this made sense to him. “Why? How? That doesn’t add up. If there’s something more between us, why do we have to deny it?”
“Because…” she answered quietly, turning her head in the opposite direction.
Drawing a bit closer to her on the couch, he placed his fingers underneath her chin and gently tipped her head toward him. “Because why?”
She bit her lip, releasing a shaky exhale. “Midnights at Pemberleyisn’t forever. Our contracts will end. We’ll move on to the next show, and eventhough you’re stuck with me as a friend, we can’t guarantee that the distance and changes won’t drive us apart. We don’t get full-time steadiness. It’s all temporary. And if any part of our new jobs affects us, everything could crumble. You and Michelle didn’t survive it.”
His head was spinning.
She made sense, sure. But distance didn’t work out for people when they weren’t willing to make equal effort. She had to have known that wouldn’t be the case for them. “I hear you, but it’s not the same. Michelle and I had different issues. Plus, I was with her for almost two years, and I didn’t experience a fraction of what I feel with you. That alone says something.”
Her eyes were a little sad.
“It’s too big of a risk on so many levels. What if I want to move back to London? What if...what if I decide I want a more consistent lifestyle? I’ve always wanted a family and a quiet life away from all the spotlight and chaos of our jobs. Your life is here. It’s always been here.”
His choice was inevitable—he’d choose Willa every day and follow her to the ends of the earth if that’s what she needed from him. But he had no idea how to convince her of that. He had no inkling of how to explain that he was convinced his heart would only ever beat for her without blurting that he was head over heels in love with her.
“I want a family, too. I want all of that. And as long as you don’t force me to start drinking afternoon tea, I’d go wherever you want me.”
She tilted her head, looking at him like she couldn’t believe the words out of his mouth.
“You say that now, and I believe you mean it, but when the time comes, it might not be what you want. Not to mention the fact that I would never force you to. I’d feel guilty about it. You’re too magnetic and brilliant to ever leave the industry behind. The loss would be tremendous.”
It took everything in him not to reach forward and kiss her like the world was ending. His words clearly weren’t enough—they weren’t selling his feelings like he wanted them to. Maybe he’d have to show her. But he didn’t want to scare her away, either. Intimacy was acceptable as long as she was playing a part, but he couldn’t guess where Willa stood on that matter outside of acting. He didn’t want to push past the walls she’d built for herself. Not without her permission. Her certainty.
But God, he wanted to somehow take what was inside of him and weave it into the very fabric of her being, so she’d know. So, she’d believe that he’d never been this serious about anything before.
She wasitfor him. She’d always be. She wouldn’t be forcing him to go anywhere when he was certain he only ever wanted to be beside her. It’d be impossible to be apart. For crying out loud, he couldn’t even last a week.
His adoration wasn’t fleeting. It was infinite.
Ethan reached for her and intertwined their fingers. “Can I ask you something? Yes or no. Just answer the question.”
She bobbed her head.
“Put aside everything else for a second. If you had things your way. If you knew, with utmost certainty, that we would last, even with distance, would you be with me?”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
He swallowed a lump in his throat, the finality in her tone made his chest grow heavy. “Willa,please,yes or no.”
“Yes.”
His eyes stung. Warmth blasted into his heart. “Then tell me what I can do to convince you that this could be good for us—that we could be goodtogether,that it could last. I’ll do anything, Willa. I appreciate thefaith you have in me and how you see my abilities, but you’re more important.”
Sliding closer to him on the couch, she lifted her other hand to Ethan’s cheek and traced his skin tenderly with her thumb. “That’s the problem. I think deep down, I know that you’d take big leaps to convince me. I know how much you give to other people. But I’m scared—terrified, Ethan because I know that if something happened and we went our separate ways, it’d break me that you were no longer in my life. My therapist said I could survive anything, but she was wrong. I could lose so many people, and I’d be fine. I’d move on eventually, but you—you’ve carved a space for yourself that’s so crucial in my life that if anything happened to us, I’d be walking around with a perpetual hole in my chest.”
He didn’t know what to say. He moved their entangled hands to his lips and pressed a delicate kiss to her wrist. “You’ve done the same for me, Wills. It’s how I know that we’d fight like hell to keep what we have. Distance, hectic schedules, calm, quiet nights, I know we’d make it work. Please take a risk on us. We could take things slow, give it a try, see what unravels, and how we feel. And if we see that it’s not working, or if it changes us too much, then we’ll stop, and nothing will shift between us. We could still be friends. I promise.”
