Page 18 of A Certain Step
She sighed quietly, looking down at her white trainers against the floor. “Has this floor always had such an ugly tile pattern?”
“Oof, it’s that bad in your head that you’re deflecting with another question? Noted. And yes—how are you just noticing this?”
“It’s squishy.”
Sahar held back a laugh. “Something is going on in that head of yours, and I’m gonna pretend I’m not offended that you’re keeping it from me.”
“The only thing going on in my head is how I can’t stop thinking about Ethan, and I’m not at all chuffed about feeling these things.”
Sahar stopped, flat key mid-turn. “Ethan, as in Ethan Everett?”
“Do we know more than one?”
“No…but are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“I was going to text him to see how his head is, but I started spiraling.”
“Because?” she asked, fingers still tightly wound against the silver.
Willa sighed, reaching forward; she spun the key in Sahar’s fingers and pushed open the door. “Because my brain is going down the kind of path it should stay far away from, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“OH MY GOD.” Sahar didn’t move, standing still in the doorway.
Willa turned back. “What?”
“How are you just casually sharing this with me like it’s some random thing you bought at the shops?”
“Well, I’m glad it’s not obvious because today’s beena lot,and I started worrying about how I must be wearing every little emotion all over my face.”
Sahar scoffed. “No, it’s obvious because I know you, but I didn’t think you’d figured it out yet. And I assumed that once you did, your arse would share it with me.”
Willa took off her shoes beside their rack near the door and strode to the kitchen. She filled a glass with water, popped open a bottle of painkillers, took one, and then turned to look at her friend. “To be fair, I haven’t processed shit.”
“When did this start?”
“It’s come and gone a few times, but it’s never been this…I don’t know, loud? Things have been different since I got back. I missed him so much when I was away. He said he missed me, too. I think we’re just a bit too attached.”
Sahar laughed. “Wow! I’m going to assume you probably can’t admit this or maybe even see it, but you know he feels the same way, right? You two are conjoined at the hip.”
Willa placed the glass under the filtered dispenser and filled it to the brim once more. “And this is where I head to bed now because you’re just talking nonsense.”
“I’m not, and you know it.”
Willa shook her head, frustration mounting in her chest. “You know where I stand with dating actors, Sahar. My brain is just disheveled in all sorts of ways right now,” she flipped her hair to the other side and sighed. “None of this means anything. It’s pre-opening jitters, coming back together after time apart, and a whole bloody mess of confusing emotions that’ll go away eventually.”
Sahar shrugged and leaned against the fridge. “Just checking to make sure you know that’s a rule you set yourself, right? It can be broken.”
Willa pinched the bridge of her nose. “I set it for a reason. The field alone is complicated; look at the divorce rates and the amount of time people spend apart. It'd be a recipe for a disaster.”
Sahar was about to speak, but Willa cut her off. “Andon top of that, I don’t want to deal with death threats from his fans or hear about how I’ve only gotten this far because I dated him. You know how it’s been for us, Sahar. We’ve worked our asses off for years in smaller roles, and this is our big break. We got here on our own. We got here because someone somewhere finally looked beyond my last name and your first name. We got here because of our hard work. They saw what we were capable of. It’d all go straight to hell if I got with Ethan.”
Sahar grimaced. “Do you hear yourself? First, yes, we got here on our own, and we should be damn proud of that. But people will talk and make assumptionsregardless.Someday, you might also have a few toxic fans who’d give your normal accountant boyfriend hell just because they think you can do better. That cannot be a reason you stop yourself from being with the one person you might fully connect with,” Sahar countered.
“The distance could be hard on us. Things are easier now that we’re in the same production. Things are too unpredictable in our field.”
Sahar gaped at her. “Willa, listen, I know you believe this with everything in you, and I know I’m not the best example with my track record, but you have to know that not every actor’s relationship is the same. Like how every Middle Eastern person isn’t the same even though ignorant people love boxing us in, every demisexual isn’t the same, every dancer isn’t the same, etc. You know this.”
Willa exhaled heavily and took another large gulp of water. “Yeah, okay, I hear you. I get that. But, Sahar, all of that aside, there’s also the fact that I’d never jeopardize my friendship with him. I know it’s only been two-ish years, but it feels like he’s been the missing puzzle piece in my life, and I can’t imagine getting together, breaking up, and losing that friendship. I’m not risking that.”
