Page 62 of Aftersome
23
MAL
James: A little birdie told me you have a crush on a certain pink-haired beauty. That true?
What the fuck?
It was no later than seven in the morning and that’s the text he decided to go with…
Me: Tell the little birdie to shut his fucking mouth before I do it myself. And of course it’s not true.
Fucking Trevor running his mouth.
Of course I didn’t have a crush on her. No one over the age of sixteen had crushes, and the thought of that being spread around like a rumor unsettled me.
James: Are you or aren’t you the one who told the team she’s off limits? Or was that someone else?
My mood went from bad to worse in a matter of seconds. I didn’t respond. I didn’t have the energy to explain to him all my reasons because in the end, it didn’t really matter anyway.
For a woman that I didn’t want in my life, she became a constant in it. Everywhere I looked, she was always there. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was pink hair and honey eyes. Even alone, she was always fucking there.
And it was a battle of emotions every time. Each passing day it was becoming harder and harder to ignore my growing need for her. To see her smile. To hear her laugh. To feel her skin on mine. It gnawed on the fragile parts of my heart until the pain became too unbearable.
Until moral sense hit me like a freight train, and all I felt in return was disgust.
A vicious cycle I was desperate to break even if it meant I was breaking Doe.
James: Word of advice, chicks say they hate a possessive guy, but in reality they don’t. They eat that shit up. So, keep it up. Also, we never received confirmation on whether you’re coming to our baby shower today or not, but I’m assuming you just forgot about it. Party is at 1, would love to have you celebrate with us.
P.S. Your pink beauty will be there.
Jesus Christ.
I couldn’t even look at the bottom portion of the text message without feeling a mixture of fire and flutters.
Your pink beauty.
Mine.
It did something to my soul, but the reality of it was that she would never be mine. Despite the rush of emotions I had when Isaw her wearing my number on her back. Despite just how right it looked and felt, she’d always belong to him.
My best friend.
And I had to respect that.
Well, I was trying my fucking hardest to anyway.
I had zero intentions of making an appearance at his gender reveal party, especially knowing everyone would be there, including people I didn’t know. Big crowds weren’t my scene; people in general weren’t my scene, but I felt tempted to go. I could stay at home all day doing nothing, or I could subject myself to baby talk and conversations I had no desire to have. Obviously, it was a no-brainer. Option two had the appeal of playing for the worst team in the league, but the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.
She was going to be there. Doe. Surrounded by the team and talk of her best friend Kate having a baby. A reality that she would never have with Hayes. And it bothered me greatly. She’d be put in a vulnerable situation where emotions would be too tough to control. It wouldn’t be deliberate, but the heart was a fragile thing. And I was there the night it broke. I watched it shatter in front of me. Would I honestly be okay letting her go through that pain alone? Reliving that night knowing she’ll never have what Kate and James have?
She’s been alone the past ten years. She doesn’t need you now.
She could have needed me, though. She could have been wondering why I had left, why I haven’t reached out. She could have been crying for months, mourning Hayes’s loss
All morning I went back and forth on whether or not to go. At one point I had convinced myself to just stay home. That this was what I wanted and needed if I had any chance of getting Doe out of my head. But as the clock ticked closer and closer to thetime of the party, my aversion toward going was becoming more and more uncertain.
It was as if my head was coming up with every scenario of why I should go. Mostly things that had to do with Doe.
