Page 111 of Aftersome
Tears burned my eyes but I refused to back down.
“You left too,” I reminded him. “And yet, here I am forgiving you.”
“I left because it was better for everyone.”
I was stunned.
How could he think that?
“You left because it was better for you,” I argued, though I hated how it sounded. I wasn’t trying to get further on his bad side, but I needed him to know how I felt.
His eyes narrowed and in a short few seconds, he had closed the distance between us.
“Me? You think I left for me?” He snarled. Almost nose to nose now, I couldn’t help but quiver from the intensity of his tone and the way he was looking at me.
I wanted his soft, caring eyes.
The ones that told me I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling, but I knew I hadn’t fully reached him yet.
“I left because how the fuck could I face anyone knowing that it should have been me that night?” His voice cracked, causing my heart to crumble. “The moody, mediocre hockey player who had no one is still alive and breathing, while the best man I’ve ever known, who had his whole life own front of him, is fucking gone. How is that fair to anyone? How is that fair to Greg and Shelia? You?”
Immediately, I went to cup his face.
“Don’t, Mal. Don’t say that ever again. Promise me?” I demanded through my tears.
He looked torn on whether or not to let me hold his face or not. His eyes told me this was exactly where he wanted to be, while his words said differently.
“Don’t pretend like you’ve never thought about it,” he whispered. “Why couldn't it have been me instead?”
My heart broke.
For him.
For me.
Not once did that thought ever occur to me, so I shook my head firmly.
“Never.” I wiped at the sweat that was staining his upper cheek. He looked even more broken now than before. “And it breaks my heart that you would think that.”
His eyes closed as if soaking in this moment.
I waited for him to slip his arms around my waist, or at least place his hand on top of mine, but it never came. Instead, he reluctantly pulled away from me on a wince.
“I’m not him, Wren. I’ll never be him.”
I hadn’t realized I was crying until now. Couldn’t he see that I wanted him? That despite everything, I was slowly becoming his, if not already.
There was nothing comparable between Mal and Hayes and the feelings I shared for them. It was different. The only similarity was how strongly I felt toward them.
And it broke my heart that Mal compared himself to the man I lost all those years ago.
I didn’t want him to be anyone but himself.
“I don’t want you to be Hayes,” I said through tears. “I want you, Mal. I want you as you are, and I think…” I paused, watching as his eyes widened a fraction. My throat suddenly went dry and for a moment, I was scared to finish what I was saying.
Actually, I was terrified.
The air had even shifted around us, but I knew I had to lay it all out. Regardless of my nerves, fear, he had to know everything I was feeling.
