Page 165 of Aftersome
Crouching down low, the pain of it all was becoming too much. Like I was suffocating from all the grief and emotion that I refused to deal with all those years ago.
I was finally dealing with it.
Finally fucking accepting it.
“You are and always will be the best person I know, Hayes. And I’m the luckiest person alive to have been able to call you my best friend.” I laid my palm onto the top of his headstone and let out a sigh.
“Your Blue brought me to you. Without her, I’d be…” Shaking my head, I imagined the dull, empty life I’d be living if she would have never showed up. “Fuck, I’d still be miserable, pretending as if everything was okay, but she brought me back to life.”
Finally I opened my eyes.
“She’s the best thing that happened to me and I know that she’ll always be your girl, Hayes. I can accept that. I just want to make her happy. I want to make her smile on days she feels sad. I want to make her laugh with bad jokes and mindless conversations. I want to be the one she comes to when she’s overwhelmed and needs someone to lean on. I want to be that person for her, I know I don’t deserve her, but I promise every day to be worthy of that woman.” I confessed as more tears began to fall.
I wasn’t expecting an answer.
I wasn’t expecting anything, but seconds later, I felt a shift in the air. One that made me widen my eyes and look all around. Of course there was nothing there, though, but instead there was a sense of calmness that settled over me and had me relaxing.
Maybe he knew I was here.
Or maybe I was just crazy, but for some reason, I felt like I was given an answer.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
God, I missed him.
So much, and with one final touch to the headstone, I rose up onto my feet.
“I hope you can forgive me one day. I love you, Hayes,” I whispered up into the sky before walking back to my car with a feeling of relief washing over me.
Now it was time to face the ones I left behind all those years ago.
I just hoped they wouldn’t hate me.
58
MAL
Even after eleven years away from this place, I knew exactly how to get to the Deckers’ house. I’d been going there ever since I was little, causing chaos with Hayes as we rode our dirt bikes up and down these roads a million times and crashed only a handful.
As I pulled into the driveway, I couldn’t help but notice that everything looked the same. Endless trees surrounding the familiar white home that I wished I could have grown up in as a young kid.
It felt like yesterday I was here, and the thought only made my chest throb more.
Slowly, I approached the front of the house where I came to a stop and on a deep, heavy breath, I finally turned off the car.
Everything inside me was telling me to get out of there. I couldn’t handle their rejection and I knew if that’s what they wanted, I would give it to them. It would be my fault anyway.
No contact.
No calls.
Not anything.
I cut them out of my life without a second thought and as I sat here now, I couldn’t think of one good solid reason why.
Because I was a young, idiot college student who didn’t want them to despise me for losing their son?
Because I couldn’t handle losing Hayes and in the presence of the ones who loved him most?
