Page 156 of Aftersome
He blinked before answering.
“You passed out.”
I looked down at my wrist where I was hooked up to a monitor and a bag of fluids. Everything had officially blown up in my face, only now to a level that I hoped it wouldn’t get to.
I was swarmed with guilt, as yet again I had been caught in another one of my lies that Mal was going to find out sooner or later.
Or maybe he already had and that’s why he looked like death right now.
So, on a painful swallow to clear my throat, I peered back up at him.
“Mal, I—” I tried, but he cut me off by lifting his hand in the air.
“No, Doe. I don’t think you heard me clearly…” He leaned onto his knees as agony swirled around in the depths of his gaze. “I watched as your skin turned blue while you clutched at your chest because you couldn’t fucking breathe. I saw my life flash before my eyes as you went limp in my goddamn arms… I couldn’t.” He paused as his eyes slammed tightly shut.
“I couldn’t get you to wake up, I couldn’t get you to open your fucking eyes.”
I flinched at his tone.
“All these fuckin’ lies you’ve been harboring, me, the stress of it all, put you over the edge today and I know you’re not telling me the whole truth either. After everything, the love of my life doesn’t tell me shit about her health.”
I felt like dying on the spot beneath his scrutinizing stare.
“I want to hear it from you, Doe. I deserve that at least, don’t I?” His eyes were clouded in a mixture of so many emotions that terrified me.
So, with tears, I reluctantly nodded my head.
“Yes, of course you do. I… I never wanted to hurt you, Mal, and I know in the end, that’s all I did.”
He didn’t respond, instead he remained quiet and observing as he seemed to be waiting for an answer from me.
I took a much-needed breath before finally unloading. “I was born with a rare heart defect. Hypoplastic left heart syndrome.”
He watched me, unblinking.
“For so long I believed that my life wasn’t meant for anything extraordinary. I was told that the chances of living past my twenties were slim, so I promised myself that I would never bring anyone down with me by falling in love. But then I met… Hayes.”
My throat tightened as I noticed him flinch.
“And he changed everything.”
Closing my eyes, a rupture of pain had shot through my body. For so long, I’ve expressed my feelings and emotions over a keyboard and an invisible audience of thousands. In the privacy of my home, where no one could see me, my thoughts were able to express themselves safely.
But here I was now.
Instead of being in front of a screen, I was face to face with the man I never thought would have stolen my heart. And with every pause, every unsure feeling, I had finally felt I could catch my breath again.
Even if just for a moment.
“Despite all the unknowns in my life, he made me see myself as someone who was worthy—someone who deserved happiness like everyone else.” I took a deep breath. “And for so long after his passing, I struggled with the guilt of knowing that it should have been me who died that night. Not the sunshine of a man who only wanted to make whatever time I have left on this earth beautiful.”
His eyes slammed shut as if in pain.
“I told myself there was no way I’d ever fall in love again, and for so long I was okay with that. But then you happened, Mal.You and your broody, protective nature weaseled your way into my heart and I knew… I knew I was being selfish by not telling you about my heart, but I was terrified of hurting you.”
With his eyes still closed, he refused to look at me. I watched as his jaw hardened and shoulders went tight from my confession.
“And I knew if I told you, I would lose you.”
