Page 90 of Nodus Tollens
I can’t lose you, too…
“Hayes… What do you mean you can’t lose me too?” I studied him closely, searching his eyes for an answer as another tsunami of grief crashed over him. With his palms digging into my thighs, his breath now heavier, I tangled my fingers into the soft hair at the back of his head and slowly kneaded his neck.
“My dad, he’s sick. Prostate cancer.” He confessed. “Thought he officially beat it the last time he had it, but it came back…” A sharp intake of air stopped him as more tears filled my already blurred vision. “He’s dying, Wren.”
A choked cry fell past his lips, causing my heart to plummet. My poor, sweet man. I tugged him close and held him as he cried into my neck. Not only was he going to lose me, but he was also going to lose his father. He can’t lose two people… he just can’t.
The tightness in my chest was unbearable. His cries ripped me to shreds and all I could do was hold him. I couldn’t tell him that everything was going to be okay and that I’d be there to comfort him when the time came. To hold him, love him, and help him through it all. I couldn’t tell him that. I’d be lying. There was a possibility, but I couldn’t give him false hope. All I could do was be present in this moment. I could hold him all I wanted. I could kiss him all I wanted. I could cherish him.
So that’s what I did.
“I can’t lose you both, Blue. I can’t.” His mouth was centimeters from mine as he spoke from his heart, which was currently hammering against my chest.
“I know, Hayes. I know, and I’m so sorry about your dad. I can’t imagine.”
I massaged the back of his head in soft circles. I tried calming him with the movements, and it seemed to be working as his crying leveled out.
“I want this. I want you forever, Blue. Not just for a handful of moments…”
He was tearing me apart.
“I want that too, and I wish I could promise you forever.” I smiled through my tears as I placed a quick kiss on his mouth. “I can meet you in your dreams, though. Even when I’m gone, I will always find you there.”
“Dreams end, Blue. They aren’t real.” He shook his head. “I need this.” He squeezes my thighs until a simmering burn lingers up each leg. “I need to feel you, touch you. I don’t just want more time with you. I want forever.”
Forever.
A single word that felt like a stab and tasted like poison. Forever wasn’t idealistic. It wasn’t in the cards, and he knew it wasn’t. I could see it in his eyes that he knew it wasn’t, but he couldn’t accept that.
Not now, anyway.
“Come back home with me.” He threw out there, causing my head to reel back. “Come back with me next weekend and meet my parents. See where I grew up.” His hopeful, red, puffy eyes stared into mine with so much emotion that I nearly drowned.
My tongue dried, and my chest tightened. I wasn’t expecting that so soon, to meet his parents. I honestly wasn’t expecting it at all, but I knew I couldn’t say no. Despite the nerves that would, without a doubt, plague me, I wanted to meet them.
“Okay, I will.” I nodded with a soft smile, and finally, he gave me one in return.
“Thank you, Blue.”
He must have been getting tired of holding me because I found myself being lowered gently down on my bed. My soft, warm comforter greeted me as I nestled my head into the pillow, all while staring deeply into Hayes’ eyes. With his stare never wavering, he moved his arms from around me and lowered himself next to me so he was lying on his side with his hand propped underneath his head.
“You don’t have to thank me. I want to meet them.”
His mouth tilted into a small smile, a grateful one that sent a flurry of flutters throughout my belly and rushed up into my heart. We were close enough that with the slight shift of my arm, I would be touching him. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to run my palms along his corded neck, down his chest, and feel the blundering beat of his heart. But more than anything, I wanted to touch his skin. I ached to map out the muscles that lined his abdomen. There was no question whether he had a powerful form or not. I knew there would be dips and curves underneath his shirt, but just how many were there? What would they feel like?
My core burned suddenly. A low, simmering blaze that crept up from the depths of a place I swore off a long time ago. And yet, here I was, imagining him stoking the flames within me until I could no longer breathe.
Until I could no longer handle it.
It felt wrong to have these thoughts after the moment we just shared, but I craved closeness. I yearned for more. I was desperate for a deeper, more meaningful connection.
I wanted him inside me. Owning me, loving me, and showing me just how beautiful our bond really was.
“Hayes.” I pleaded. Staring into his eyes, I scooted closer to him until my hip was brushing his stomach. “Can I ask you something?”
I felt so vulnerable at that moment, knowing what I was about to ask while he had yet to hear it.
“Of course.”
