Page 83 of Nodus Tollens
Because Hayes is your best friend, and you know he deserves her more than you do, and you need to fucking suck it up and move on.
An exhale that of a bull escaped from my nostrils and mouth, filling the bar with my repressed emotions. I was desperate for an escape. My buzz now blurred the line of sloppy drunk, and I knew if I stayed any longer, confessions would spill out into the open, and lines would definitely be crossed. And for once, I wanted to be the good guy here. I couldn’t ruin this night and perhaps even their budding relationship. So, with heavy eyes, I found the blonde who was eye fucking me earlier. As if already watching me, her stare eagerly took me in with greed. Eyes licking up and down my chest, I knew I’d at least have a short distraction from the revelations of tonight. My cock was already eager with pent-up frustration. I shot off the stool and took one last chug of my beer.
“Hey, where are you goin’.” Hayes eyed me with worry lining his eyes.
Doe’s stare was like a stab to the abdomen. She appeared bothered by my sudden movement, and I hated that it sent a jolt through my heart. She wasn’t supposed to worry about me. She wasn’t supposed to feel anything toward me, and yet I craved more.
“Gettin’ out of here.” I grunted while lying the empty beer bottle on the bar top.
“Oh, alright.” His brows dipped, and then he focused on Doe. “I guess we’re leaving. Do you want to come over for a bit? You can ride with us.”
Oh, fuck no. I wasn’t about to be at home when I knew she was going to be there with Hayes. If I wanted to torture myself, I’d camp out in his bedroom tonight and watch all the…
My eyes slammed shut as vivid images sparked inside my head, causing my previous thoughts to halt.
“You guys stay. I’ll find my own ride back.”
With both of them watching me closely, I felt like a fucking child who was being interrogated by their parents.
“From whom? I’m pretty sure Hendricks is banking on taking Kate home with him tonight, so I don’t know who you’re going to get a ride from.”
“What!?” Doe squealed in shock. Hayes glanced down into her pretty blue eyes and chuckled at the confusion in her gaze.
“The man is whipped already, Blue. So don’t be surprised when your roomie doesn’t come home tonight.”
They continued their playful banter back and forth, Hayes grinning like a fool and Doe subconsciously leaning closer to him. I couldn’t stand there a second longer, listening to them. I was slowly suffocating in the reality of what I’ll never have, what I’ll never experience. I would never love or be loved. Not in the way I longed for, anyway.
Not the way that had flashed in my head when I first saw Doe. The possibility of something real and life-altering. Something that would mend the jagged edges of my heart until they were no longer a threat to cause any harm. My soul was about as jagged and sharp as my heart was, and I accepted long ago that it was never going to heal. Until she came along and gave me hope. But that hope was gone. Vanished. Snatched from me before I could even blink, and now, I was forced to exist in a world where she wasn’t mine.
Where she was never going to be mine because she belonged to Hayes.
My heart lagged, trying to catch up to its normal beat as I prepared myself for the inevitable. I’d leave with a woman who was only a poorly constructed copy of the stunning blonde who sat with my best friend’s arms around her. Then, when I was at my wit’s end, desperate for a distraction, I’d sink myself into her warm, wet heat in hopes of losing myself in the euphoria. Would it be enough, though? Probably not, but I couldn’t be here any longer.
Not when I was feeling like this.
“Jesus, you’re even bigger up close.” A voice from beside me manifested, causing my neck to snap down. Practically rubbing up against my side was the leggy blonde. Up and down, her lusty eyes trailed my body with precision. In my inebriated state, it felt like her hands were circling their way around my stiffening cock. I hated the way my body was currently reacting, but I couldn’t stop it from happening.
“Wanna get out of here?” I didn’t bother with any small talk as I leaned down close to the shell of her ear and whispered the question I knew she was dying to hear. When a shiver tore through her small body and she latched her hand around my bicep for stability, I had gotten my answer.
Pulling my face from the side of her face, I knew both Hayes and Doe were watching me when their chatter had gradually subsided into silence. A sour taste formed in my mouth, but I knew this was for the best. Even if it wasn’t a permanent fix, it needed to be done.
This would be the final cut to the connection Doe and I had shared. This was both the end and a new beginning for both of us. Doe would no longer see me in the same light as she once did, where I would try to convince myself she wasn’t everything I wanted. And for Hayes. The best fucking guy that I ever knew would never find out about any of it.
Doe was his, and it was time for me to fucking accept that.
“Yes, please.” She begged as her nails dug into my skin and caused a hiss to fall past my lips.
I nodded. Not knowing what else to say, I slowly lifted my head with caution, knowing Doe would be intent on watching me leave. It was obvious she was over me, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t be disgusted by me. And that seemed to bother me more than anything else.
“You sure you wanna leave, Mal?” Hayes asked. “If you want to get out of here, we can go.”
This was a first. Any other time we would be at a bar together, he normally saluted me whenever I left with a chick. Now, he was acting as if he didn’t want me to leave.
“Yea, you two have fun.” I nodded my head. “I’ll see you at home.”
The blonde, whose name I’d yet asked for, slid her hand down my arm, searching for my fingers to grasp onto, but I panicked and shoved them into my jeans pockets.
“If you need me, call me.” Hayes offered as he took a long, observing sweep over me and the blonde. Then, with a cough, I threw my arm over her shoulder and finally glanced down at Doe.
