Page 45 of Nodus Tollens
“Eh, you know how it is here.” He shrugged. “Always out to get me when all I’m doin’ is minding my own business. You’d think they’d find more important things to do, like find murderers or some shit, but no. They’re always findin’ me doing something I ain’t.”
God. Even his wannabe tough-guy talk is too much to handle.
“You still on it?” I asked, though I already knew the answer by the way he looked.
“On what?”
Oh, so we’re gonna play dumb now?
Okay.
I went to stand with the phone still pressed against my ear, but the screeching sound of his voice halted me.
“Fuck, wait!” He hissed as he forced his stare from mine to behind him. “Wait!” He frantically rasped again as his whole frame shook. I could see the straight panic in his eyes. Over his shoulder, a guard glanced over at us regarding our interaction before slowly looking away.
“Fine, yes.” He whispered with a groan. “But I’ve been cutting back.”
An angered exhale echoes through the speaker as I gradually fall back into the chair.
“What’s cutting back?”
Elbow back on the popped-out edge of the table, he starts to run a nervous hand through his buzzed hair. Groaning, I could hear mumbled words as if he was talking to himself about what to say.
“Twice a week.” He finally responded as his stare met mine.
“That’s not cutting back.” I ground out. “Cutting back would be like once every couple of months.”
Sighing, he dropped his head in defeat.
“It ain’t that easy, son.”
I laughed, a full-blown maniacal laugh that caused his eyes to narrow suspiciously.
“You know what ain’t easy? Not having a dad who cares.” I snapped. Emotions like no other bombarded me, and looking at his face, the one I grew up never seeing, only made it worse. Shouldn’t it be like looking into a mirror when you stare into your dad’s eyes? Shouldn’t I see some kind of resemblance there? Not just with looks, but personality and drive?
Not in this case.
Not in mine.
I didn’t see myself when I stared at the man across from me. I only saw a stranger.
“Mal, you know I care. Even when I’m not around, you know I’ve always loved you.”
Well, you had a funny way of showing that you loved me.
The words died on the tip of my tongue. I had so many more razor-point, sharp words that I wanted to hit him with but, instead, I took a deep breath.
“Have you? Have you always loved me?”
He smiled.
“Of course, son. Always.”
My hand tightened around the plastic phone.
“Then where have you been?” I looked around the small rectangular divider that separated us. A clear reminder of what I had meant to him. “Because if you were actually a dad and one who gave a shit about me, you wouldn’t be in here. You wouldn’t put yourself into situations where you could end up here.”
“Now, hold on a goddamn minute.” He held up his palm as if to stop me. “Just because I haven’t been the best dad doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just have my own way of showing it.”
