Page 137 of Nodus Tollens
“Wren… calm down.” Kate cried, but that only agitated me more. I needed to wake up. I had to.
“Open your eyes, Doe. I need you to focus and look at me.” Mal demanded, and that’s when I felt a hand cup my shoulder. Warm, heavy hands brought me back to reality, but I could feel myself shrivel, knowing it wasn’t the right hands that were touching me.
They weren’t Hayes’.
“Breathe….” He motioned for me to take a deep breath in, then out. I was caught in the darkest eyes known to man and slowly followed his instructions. “It’s gonna be okay.”
It wasn’t, though. How was any of this okay?
“It’s not okay. If I wouldn’t have told him it was my birthday tomorrow, he wouldn’t have risked coming here. He wouldn’t be…”
God, I couldn’t even finish that sentence without having my whole chest collapse.
Shaking my head, I felt palms hold onto my cheeks. Soft, unsure hands held me as I tried not to break.
“He would have come regardless, Doe.”
I knew he was most likely right but I hated it.
“You’re coming with me.” He didn’t ask, he ordered. “I need you to be strong like I know you can be. And don’t you dare break on me. Hayes needs you there.”
Tears were falling as I soaked in every word Mal had spoken. They plummeted their way toward my heart, and like a crashing wave, the sudden awareness struck me.
Hayes needed me.
“I’m scared.” I confessed as he began to wipe away my tears with gentle strokes.
“I am, too.”
At his admission, I met the face of a terrified boy who was holding on for dear life. Who was on the cusp of falling apart and needed comfort just as much as I did. So, clasping his hands that were on my face, I slowly pried them away and took the sweatshirt from his hold. Stabilizing my hands was tricky, but I found the strength to pull my arms and head through the sweatshirt.
“Do you… Do you need me to go with you?” Kate asked as she stood beside her bed with tears flowing down her face. “Because I will. I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”
“No, it’s okay. You stay here, and I’ll…uh, keep you updated on what’s going on.” My voice sounded like it belonged to someone else. I felt separated from the moment like I wasn’t present. If I were, it would all feel too real, and I think that was what was stopping me from completely breaking.
“Are you sure?” She appeared hurt, but I could be reading her wrong.
I nodded. I needed to do this alone. I walked over to her on unstable legs and gave her a tight hug. One that made me want to fall onto my knees and cry, but I held it in. The best I could.
She squeezed me back and started to mumble words of support into my ear.
I always thought it would be me giving words of support and not the other way around, but here we were.
Once we pulled apart, I moved like a zombie, grabbing my phone and purse before stopping at the door.
“I’m ready.”
With hands in his pockets, he nodded and made his way toward the door. He stopped in front of me and tilted his chin downward to capture my attention.
“Be strong, Doe.” The command had me sucking in a sharp breath.
My whole life, I’ve been told how strong I was. From doctors, my parents, even strangers who didn’t know me. They commended me for being brave. I had no other choice but to accept it and continue on, but no one understood that.
I didn’t want to be known as strong because of my defect. And now was my chance. Now, I could be strong for someone other than myself.
I could be strong for Hayes.
I had to be.
