Page 131 of Nodus Tollens
For someone so set on wanting a future with the girl he loved, the only safe place there was for us was the past.
“Take me inside?” She whispered when the sound of footsteps in the hall appeared. So, snapping out of the weird funk I had put myself in, I walked us inside the room and kicked the door closed with my foot before dropping us both down onto her bed. Her fresh scent filled my senses, and immediately, I found myself relaxing.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong, or will I have to pry it out of you?” She asked confidently, even though there was a slight shakiness in her tone. I hated that I had her worried, so I instantly flipped us over, where she was lying half on me with her head tucked into my neck.
“Just not looking forward to leaving.” I confessed while running my fingers up and down her back. With the hat now off her head from when I tossed us onto the bed, she lifted her head enough to where she could peer down into my eyes. Understanding lined her features as a sad smile appeared.
“It’s just one day, Hayes, and then I’ll get to see you tomorrow.” She playfully tapped me on the tip of my nose as if to pull me out of my mood. She continued to poke me, moving all along my face with gentle taps, when finally, a short chuckle escaped from my mouth. I knew she was right, but the idea of not being close enough to get to her if she needed me had my mind racing.
“I know. I just…”
“You’re worried.” She finished what I was about to say, and with another sorrowful smile, she dropped her chin onto my chest.
Here I was, making my girl sad when I should be making her happy. My heart sunk at the realization, especially when she turned and rested her cheek on my chest. Her eyes now focused on something other than me. I laid my palm on her head and began to stroke her hair. I couldn’t form the right words to say to her yet, and so I spoke through my touch. With gentle strokes, I glided my fingers along her scalp and through her soft strands of hair. I lived for moments like these with her, simple yet so powerful. With each touch and caress, we were deepening our bond. One that could not be broken.
A bond that should be cherished.
Not even death could break it.
“It’s okay to be worried.” She spoke over my thoughts. “I think it’s normal and to be expected.”
Thinking about it was one thing, but actually talking about it… made it all too real. Because I was worried. How could I not be? She was my everything, and the idea of losing that was too hard to even imagine. Too hard to fucking comprehend or swallow, so I chose not to talk about it. Not with Mal. Not with my parents. Not even with her.
“It’s just hard, Blue. It’s hard to talk about because it hurts.” I forced the words out as I felt my chest collapse from the pressure of it all. “It hurts here.” I patted my palm just above where my heart was beating wildly. “And I’m scared… so scared to lose you when I just fucking found you.”
Instantly, her head lifted from my chest, and red-rimmed eyes met mine. She was trying so hard to hold in her tears, and my brave girl held them in as long as she could until she finally let them fall.
“I’m scared, too.” She admitted as a warm palm encased my cheek, drawing me further into her orbit. “But it’s not healthy, Hayes. You’ll drive yourself mad worrying about me, and I don’t want that. That was the one thing I didn’t want, for you to constantly dwell on what’s out of my control. I want you here with me, in the present, enjoying every second we have together.”
My eyes fluttered closed as the air from my lungs was stolen right from my chest. Her words knocked me hard back into reality and tugged at my heart.
Blue, my strong, fearless girl, was consoling me when I should be the one comforting her. She didn’t need any more sadness in her life, especially from the one person whose job was to make her happy. All she has known in her life is uncertainty.
Fear.
Sorrow.
And I couldn’t spend my time worrying and in fear when I knew Blue wouldn’t be. How could I live with myself knowing that’s all I had felt when she was still here?
I couldn’t.
“If I were to die tomorrow, would you be happy and satisfied with the memories you had with me?” She asked, but all I could feel were daggers to the heart. A sword to the soul.
I searched into her eyes, stunned that she would even ask a question like that, but I answered.
“Of course.” I swallowed, holding back a cry. “I would cherish every fucking moment.”
She smiled.
“Then there’s no need to waste your time and energy on worrying.” She stroked her finger along my chin. “Focus on how lucky we are to have known a love like this. Be grateful for the times we’ve had together, and don’t spend your time living in the future.” Her perfect mouth tilted into a smile that I would never forget. “Live in the now, Hayes. Be here with me.”
“I am here, baby.” I drew her into me, and with her head buried into my neck, I held on for dear life. “I’m in the now and always will be.” Her soft cries were muffled in my neck as I squeezed around her middle tighter. Every tear was like a knife to the heart, digging its way inside and brutally pulling out before plunging back in. We held onto each other as she let go. Pressing kisses against the side of her head, I mumbled soft whispers, even knowing she wouldn’t hear them. Then, finally, when her crying settled, all that could be heard was the tangle of our breaths filling the room. She pulled her face from my neck, leaving some room for her to breathe, but still remained tucked into my side.
“I know it’s hard, Hayes, and I hate that it has to be like this, but being with you… I don’t feel so sad anymore.” She whispered. “I’m not afraid to leave this world because I know I won’t go empty-handed. I won’t go knowing I wasn’t loved or have loved.”
Fuck.
Blue…
