Page 130 of Nodus Tollens
Once his face was exposed, I motioned with my lips that I wanted a kiss. Two dimples appeared, and before I knew it, I was swept away in another toe-curling kiss before we both fell asleep, tangled in each other’s arms.
28
HAYES
Afull week had passed since visiting back home with Blue and Mal, and in that week, I couldn’t tell you how many times I found myself lost in the beauty of Blue’s body. Every day, it seemed more and more impossible to keep our hands off one another. Since our earth-shattering night together, all I could think of was how I wanted this forever. How badly I wanted to wake up next to her every morning and see those stunning blue eyes staring back into mine. I felt so desperate for those moments. I was so desperate that I found myself questioning whether I was moving things too slowly. What if I were to miss out on my chance because I was too scared of her reaction? What if I didn’t give her what she deserved before it was too late? It kept me up at night thinking about all the things I wanted to give her.
Life wasn’t fair. Plain and simple. And as much as I tried not to dwell on it, nights when I was left alone in my own thoughts, I would cry. I would cry for the life my girl wasn’t going to have. I cried, knowing that one day I wouldn’t have her, and I’d be left here with nothing but memories. Amazing memories that I will cherish for a lifetime and never forget.
I fell in love with a girl whose heart was failing, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
In our situation, how could you not spend every waking moment with each other, though? How could you not want to spend your moments indulging in the purest, rawest forms of love?
That’s why today was hard for me. An away game was inevitable, but I wasn’t prepared to leave her for the whole weekend. I was ready to throw in my gear and call it quits, but Mal being Mal, told me I had to at least finish out this season. In fact, he demanded I finish or else. Ever since our fight back home, our friendship has been on the rocks. Despite both of us apologizing, there was a shift in our closeness. Maybe it was just me being paranoid, but I couldn’t help but feel a certain strain. The blatant tension. Even though he apologized, it was clear that he was hurt by my decision. As many times as I tried to pull him out of his funk, I knew it was going to take longer than a week to get over it.
Hell, it might even take forever, but every feeling and emotion he had was valid. Just like mine were, and I had accepted the fact that he may never come to terms with this. Though I hoped that wasn’t the case, I just had to take it day by day.
I pulled up to Blue’s dorm and hurriedly parked before shooting off a quick text to her.
Me: I’m comin’ up. Is Kate there, or is she with Hendricks?
Please be with Hendricks.
Blue: She just left about fifteen minutes ago to get a good “dicking down” before you guys left.
Blue: Those were her words, not mine.
My mouth tilted into a smile as I shoved my phone back into my pocket and jogged towards her building. With quick work of the door, I threw myself inside and climbed up every two or three steps until I was finally on her floor. Just as I had started to saunter down the hall, a head popped out from where her room was, and a bright white smile greeted me.
God, I loved her.
Her playful grin could have knocked me on my ass, but I was too fucking impatient to get to her. Especially when she was looking at me like that. With all the stars and excitement in her eyes.
“You couldn’t wait to see me, huh?” I teased when her whole body finally came into view when she stepped out of her room. My eyes bugged out of my head when I finally got a glimpse of her.
Fuck.
Wearing an off-the-shoulder shirt and extremely short, way too-tight spandex shorts, she cocked her hip to the side as she stood in the center of the hallway. Dressed down, with major bedhead, she looked like a fucking dream. I almost tripped over my goddamn feet, too, but I steadied myself before I let that happen.
“I need all the time I can get with you before you leave today.” She pouted. Her bottom lip jutted out, making it impossible for me to choose whether I wanted to take her mouth or yank her in close. But when I finally closed the distance between us, I instinctively went to grab her ass and heave her up where she could wrap her legs around me. A squeal tore through the air as I lifted her, and when she finally wrapped those beautiful legs and arms around me, I felt whole again.
She giggled when I playfully swatted her ass with my palm, causing an effortless smile to appear on my face.
“Then we better make every minute count, right?”
Her fingers played with the brim of my hat until she stripped it clean off my head and placed it on top of hers. Jesus, she looked good in my hat. Blonde hair brushed the tops of her shoulders while that stunning face was cleared of any makeup, only leaving those natural freckles to obsess over. Then it struck me, like it knew it would because it began happening more frequently. The disbelief and doubt. The realization that there was no way that this beautiful, vibrant girl was dying.
Not when she looked like she was as healthy as a horse.
Not when she carried so much strength and happiness.
And it came out of nowhere, these thoughts. It ripped through me and demanded my full attention because it was too painful to block out. It felt wrong not to be destroyed and heartbroken by the inevitable.
But I knew it was no way to live, dealing with grief before it had even happened, but it was hard to stop. It was hard to focus on anything, especially when I had her wrapped tightly in my embrace, where I wanted her to stay forever. In the moments I did panic and felt burdened with tears, I imagined us at sixty. What it would be like to grow old and look back on all the memories we shared. I wouldn’t let fear interfere with my dream. Instead, I let myself smile at the vision.
At what could be.
“Hey, you okay?” Wren’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts, and when I caught her worried stare on mine, I reassured her with a quick kiss on the head that I was okay. I didn’t need her to feel bad about thoughts that wreaked havoc on my mind. It wasn’t her fault, and I didn’t want her upset that my heart felt as though it was slowly cracking with each day that passed.
