Page 46 of Nodus Tollens
I wanted to say he doesn’t show it at all, but I let him finish his spiel.
“I’m a fuck up. I ain’t afraid to admit that, but I can’t get better for you if I don’t get out of here.”
I wished he had the power to convince me. I wish he was telling me the truth, and that the second he got out of here, he’d commit to changing. But I knew that wasn’t the case. His false promises no longer meant anything to me.
“Actions speak louder than words, Robert.” I strike him with his first name, hoping to hit him where it hurts. “And your words don’t mean shit to me.”
“They don’t mean shit, huh?” His voice rose as the muscles in his forearms clenched. “Well, how the hell else am I supposed to prove to you that I’ll be better?”
“That’s where the problem fucking lies. You shouldn’t have to prove to me that you’ll be a better dad at all. That should’ve been your number one goal the second I was born, yet here you are now. Twenty- two fucking years later, trying to convince me that’ll you be a good dad.”
The overly-tanned skin on his face turned red. Too many times to count, I’ve been let down by this man, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen again.
Never.
I didn’t care that he looked like he wanted to come at me through the glass. I didn’t care if I had hurt his feelings. For too long, I’ve kept hope alive that I’d have him in my life. I stood up for this man when I knew I shouldn’t have, but this was a lesson I needed to learn the hard way. Through anger and pain, I was finally beginning to understand I’d never be able to count on the man, the stranger who sat in front of me.
“And you think you’re a good son?” He chuckled as his stare swept over mine challengingly. “Your mom didn’t even want you. The only reason why you’re fuckin’ alive today is because of me. If anything, you should be worshipping the ground I walk on.”
Then he pulled the phone away from his mouth as he muttered under his breath. The idiot must have thought I wouldn’t be able to read his lips, and the second the two little words, ‘ungrateful bastard’ came out, I leaped to my feet. Ready to charge the fuckin’ glass, I imagined what would happen to me if I punched right through it. With the amount of rage and adrenaline shooting through me, I had no doubt that with a couple of hits, I would at least have cracked the glass.
The second I shot to my feet, he did as well. His frame was almost a foot shorter than mine. I glared down into his corrupted his eyes. I made sure he could see the fire running through my veins as I flexed every muscle and curve I had. I wanted him nervous. I wanted him to see just how badly he had fucked up. How small and insignificant his presence was in my life.
I didn’t need him. I didn’t need his problems or his false adoration.
I didn’t need shit from him.
“Yeah, I’m an ungrateful bastard?” I pounded onto my chest with both palms and dropped the phone. “Then you don’t fuckin’ need me then, do you? Who wants an ungrateful son who drops every fuckin’ thing to come bail their dad out of jail? Who fucking wants that, right?”
He couldn’t hear a word I said as the phone clanged against the wall, but I was too heated to pick it back up. He could see the intensity of my mouth moving and my expressions to know I was pissed the fuck off.
He started to speak, but when I couldn’t read his lips fast enough, I reluctantly picked the phone up.
“It’s a goddamn waiting game with you.” He argued. “Back and fuckin’ forth, I can never figure out whether you’re gonna bail me out or not. There shouldn’t be any question about whether you are or aren’t. I’m your fuckin’, dad. Your blood…”
“Blood doesn’t make you family.” I repeated the words Hayes had texted me earlier.
“I’m the only family you fuckin’ got.”
I laughed.
God, how fucking far off he was with that statement made my laughter grow. I already had a family that would do anything for me, who took me in when no one wanted me. I had a mother figure, a father figure, and a brother. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need him.
“Not anymore.”
I went to slam the phone and walk off, but his shout stopped me.
“Mal!” He foamed at the mouth as his teeth clenched together in a sinister scowl. “Don’t you dare fuckin’ do this. I swear to God, if you leave me here, you’re dead to me.”
Ha, I practically already was dead to him. It didn’t matter now whether he thought that or not.
“Good fuckin’ riddance then, right?” I snarled and slammed the phone to the wall. Then right before I turned to walk away, I knew I couldn’t let my last words to him go without a bang. My adrenaline was high, like I had been in a close-scoring game, but here, I knew there was no way I could lose. Not when I stood here, and he stood inside.
Beyond fuming, his mouth moved a million miles a second. Cursing me, shouting, he pounded a fist against the glass as if that was fixing anything. About two seconds later, a guard stormed in and quickly detained him. So then, making sure he could read my every word with his hands tightly bound behind his back, I gave him my final goodbye.
One that wasn’t filled with emotion or sadness but one that I knew would make me feel better.
Make me fuckin’ smile.
