Page 122 of Nodus Tollens
With both arms lying on the armrests, I leaned back and peered up into the sky. It was still the same sky Hayes and I both looked up into all those years ago. Stars littered above us, while the smell of the fresh Montana air gave me déjà vu. So many nights we’d spent out here, having fires and fuckin’ around on dirt bikes, we made the best out of our time together. On the small occasions we weren’t busy with hockey, we still found the energy to tear up the Montana terrain.
No matter how many times mom told us to settle the fuck down, we never listened. Well, I didn’t, and sometimes Hayes would bring out the recklessness he had buried inside him and let it reign havoc.
God, just reminiscing on those days brought a grin to my face. Even now, just sitting out here beside him, I felt like a kid again. Thirteen-year-old, naïve and carefree Mal and Hayes. But we weren’t so young anymore.
One of us was in love.
One of us dreamed of a life where we wouldn’t feel so unfulfilled.
Both grown and with different dreams now. As a kid, I didn’t think this day would ever come. I only pictured what the future would look like in my head. An image of us playing side by side, ripping it up every damn day on the ice like the legends I knew we’d become. But that was my fault for holding onto that dream without ever asking him if it was still his.
And as we sat here, just like the old days, but now more so in silence, I took it all in.
“You’ll always be my best friend. I don’t want you thinkin’ that will ever change.” He announced, and I felt my chest expand in relief.
“Yeah, I know.” I nodded, and we both looked out into the distance.
“I’m glad you got to talk with Blue.”
My throat went painfully dry at the mention of Wren.
“Yeah, she’s… different than I expected.” I said and immediately wished that I could take it back. “Good different.” I added.
Good different? Seriously? What the fuck does that even mean?
“I’m glad you approve.” He chuckled.
Fuck… If only he knew…
“You love her?” The question came out before I could stop it. I already knew the answer but needed to hear it from him.
I heard him sigh beside me and watched as he slouched back with a smile. One that was only reserved for someone who was so fuckin’ gone for a person that you could even see the love reflected in their eyes.
“I think I loved her before I even knew she existed.” He chuckled as if he knew how ridiculous that sounded. “It was like my heart had already known it before I did. And now I can’t imagine what life would be without her.”
I found myself just staring at him. I didn’t laugh or make fun of what he said because I knew he meant every word. He could have given me a simple yes in return, but he didn’t. For a girl like her, she deserved more than a plain answer.
Even I knew that.
“She’s good for you.” I simply said. “She’s a forever type of girl.”
Not once had I ever spoken about a girl like that. Other than physical attributes, if that was considered a compliment. They were always interchangeable and meaningless to me. But I wanted him to know that he chose right. That there would be no one else like her in the world.
She was one of a kind.
My gut twisted from the crashing of emotions that swept me, but when his stunned eyes met mine, I knew he noticed the change in me. Not that there was much of one at all, but something other than my moodiness came out, and Hayes noticed.
“I think so too. I really fuckin’ think she’s mine.”
His forever.
Wren.
Doe.
His Blue.
Acceptance was a bitch. A major fuckin’ one at that, but I was slowly coming to the realization that they were meant to be. Soulmates? Fuck if I know. I don’t think that exists, but if it did, I had a feeling that’s what they would be. As much as it gutted me, I was choosing him over me. His happiness over mine.
