Page 117 of Nodus Tollens
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MAL
Every time I was pissed at Hayes, I was thrown into a random memory that we shared together. It didn’t matter how mad I got. When I was left to cool off, my mind would start to wander with a recollection of the past. Maybe it was a gentle push to forgive him? Or maybe there was no reasoning behind it at all, but as I stood outside, peering up into the Montana sky, I was tossed into our freshman year of high school. Young, popular Hayes and a giant, angry at-the-world Mal. A dynamic duo. It was our first game playing for the Wolves, our high school team and I was running late. I was waiting for my mom to get home from work because she had told me she had taken off earlier that day so she could take me. Outside on the front porch, with my hockey bag hanging over my shoulder, I could remember anxiously waiting for her shitty blue Honda to pull up. With every car that came into view, my heart would race in relief, but when it ultimately passed right by our home, I was let down even further. Phone calls were ignored, texts were left unanswered, and I didn’t even bother getting ahold of my dad.
There was no point.
Then, finally, I received a text from Hayes asking where I was. I didn’t want to rely on him or his family for things that my parents should be doing. It wasn’t like this was the first time I was blown off by either of them, but this time, it hit differently. As much as she nagged and complained about me, I thought if she saw me play and how good I was, she would change her mind about me.
Maybe she would love me. But when it came to either of my parents, hope was a lost cause and only ended in heartbreak for me.
So that’s why I just sat there on my porch, ready to give up. I could remember the surge of emotions that afflicted me. The anger and agony of not understanding why my life was the way it was. Why Hayes cared more about me than my own parents did… That’s why I didn’t respond to his text. I didn’t want to be a burden more than I already was. They had done so much for me already, but knowing them, they’d drop everything to come and get me. Knowing Hayes, he’d risk being late to his first game if it meant I was able to play.
That’s just the type of guy he was, though. Willing to do anything and everything for the ones he loved. And as I sat out here, still reeling from Hayes’ confession, I vigorously fought with my emotions.
I was beyond fuckin’ torn on what to feel because I had felt everything at that moment. Anger, regret, fear, disbelief. I couldn’t choose just one to settle on, so I combined them all. I had exploded and took it out on Doe when I knew I shouldn’t have. The second her shocked blue eyes landed on mine, I wanted to take it all back. She didn’t just look hurt by my words, but worse, she looked fucking scared. I’d rather stab myself in the heart than see that look on her face again. And Hayes.
Fuck…
What the hell was he thinking? Why didn’t he talk to me about wanting to quit playing or at least nudge me in the right direction so that I could figure it out myself?
He has been showing you signs, Mal… You just didn’t want to believe them.
His confession rocked me more than I had anticipated. It nearly knocked me out of my chair when I heard it. At first, I thought it was a joke. I waited for the ‘gotcha’, but when it never came, I felt like had been blindsided. His words hurt more than being body-checked by a big bastard on the ice. It hurt more than knowing my dream girl was with my best friend. I was used to unexpected hits, but this… this was something I didn’t want to believe.
I was losing him.
I was losing my best friend.
Because, even without hockey, without me, he would still succeed in whatever else he did. He would still have the girl. He would eventually have the kids. He’d have the whole nine yards while I would be ultimately left behind. In the end, he was always meant for more. Way more than me, and I had trouble accepting that. I wanted to be happy for him. I wanted to trust that he was making the right decision and just fucking move on. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I wanted to.
Sighing, I walked over to the Decker’s firepit and plopped my ass down into one of their folding chairs. I was a bit too wide and bulky for the flimsy plastic, but I didn’t care. Even if the fuckin’ thing broke, I would sit on the broken pieces and rubble and not move.
My eyes wandered over the horizon where the mountain peaks met the stars. Twinkling like an array of lights, I found myself entranced by the beauty of the sky. There was no place like Montana. Though I was born an ugly, angered soul, I was given the peace and serenity of the Montana landscape.
At least my parents did one thing right and picked a cool as fuck place to live.
With my head tilted and my body lounging back on the chair, I heard a soft shuffle behind me. As soon as the sound hit my ears, I knew was one of the Deckers. Which one? I wasn’t sure, but as the crunching of feet continued, I let my chest expand.
“What do you want?”
I came off rude, hoping they would get the hint to leave me alone, but of course, they didn’t.
“Nothing.” A sweet, soft voice I wasn’t expecting traveled through the air and almost blew me out of the chair. It was the last person I expected to be out here, and I had no fucking clue how to react or what to say. Instead, my body went stiff, and my fingers tightened around the armrest. I knew if I turned around, I’d be sucker punched with the memory of hurting her. “I just wanted to see the stars.”
Why was she lying? She wasn’t even good at it.
“Can’t you look at them anywhere else?” The words came out as more of a grunt.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a flash of blonde hair move beside me. Without even a thought, my eyes sought her out like they couldn’t help themselves, and when they finally landed on her, she was falling into the empty chair next to me.
“I would, but they look the prettiest here.” She flashed me a shy, unsure smile and peered up into the sky above us.
For a moment there, I forgot I was mad. Even though my eyes were glaring holes into the side of her head, I found myself uncomfortably comfortable with her presence beside me. Her softness, the way her cheeks scrunched when she smiled, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to look at her or the sky. Both were fuckin’ breathtaking. But the question of why she was out here sent me back into the state of being my grumpy asshole self.
“I’m not in the mood for company right now.” I pulled my eyes away from the tempting girl beside me and focused on something that I knew wouldn’t get me in trouble.
“I won’t bug you if that’s what you’re worried about.”
