Page 67 of Love Letter Lost
“I’m prepping to paint,” I said, stating the obvious and hoping that was where this conversation would end. Too many questions would lead to tears, and I’d shed enough of those over Ridge to last a lifetime.
“We can see that,” Audrey said, her tone reminding me of one I used when dealing with rowdy students. “But why are you doing it right now? It’s 10:00 at night.”
“It just felt like a good idea. I’ve been meaning to paint all week, and there’s no time like the present.” A strangled laugh escaped as I attempted to push past the pair to grab paper towels from the kitchen. Not that it would matter. If Amber was right, my dad had sold out and this building would be flattened in a matter of months.
They formed a wall, blocking my escape. Instead, two pairs of arms reached around me, locking me in an embrace. The warmth and comfort of that hug broke my barriers, and the tears began to fall.
“I just—” I broke off with a sob.
“It’s okay,” Audrey murmured, smoothing back my hair. “Let it out.”
“I didn’t realize I’d let him in until…and now he’s going to marry Amber and—”
“We’re here for you,” Chloe reassured.
Together we made our way over to the couch where we collapsed in a heap of tears and talking. Chloe retrieved more ice cream from the freezer, and as we dug in, I finally let all the emotions of the last week free.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-FIVE
I wokeSunday to puffy eyes and a pounding headache. A glance at my phone confirmed that I had slept in, missing the start of church. Chloe, Audrey, and I had stayed up late talking and even later watching one of Audrey’s cooking shows. By the time I’d climbed into bed, I could barely keep my eyes open, but my heart felt significantly lighter, though still broken.
I stumbled from my room to find the apartment quiet and empty. Someone had even taken the time to clean up the living room after our late night. I felt immense gratitude at having been left alone with my emotions. Last night I’d needed to release everything that I’d kept bottled up inside. Today I needed to move forward.
I ate breakfast and then took the time to shower before changing into shorts and a t-shirt. The clock showed that my roommates would be home soon, and while I appreciated their support, I wasn’t ready to be around people just yet. I grabbed a slushy Dr. Pepper and some snacks before heading to my car, deciding that a drive up the canyon might help me clear my head.
American Fork Canyon was green and beautiful but did not bring the calm I had hoped for. Instead, the winding road made my shoulders tense with building pressure. As if on autopilot, I made my way along Alpine Loop, not fully realizing my destination until I pulled into the Aspen Grove parking lot.
I exited my car and moved to the pedestrian bridge. Leaning against the red-brown railing, I looked up at the mountains and tuned out the activity all around me.
Was it worth it?
I snorted as the question popped into my head. I’d spent countless hours grappling with my feelings for Ridge. And what did I have to show for it? An even more broken heart and a week of my life I’d never get back.
I should have known better. I should have learned my lesson after prom and the accident. But apparently, I was a bad student. Instead of protecting myself, I’d torn down my walls and given him the key to my heart, knowing full well that he was in love with someone else. Yet, I’d also found it in my heart to finally forgive him. There was a certain relief and lightness knowing that ghost would no longer haunt my past.
A shriek followed by laughter caused me to turn and watch as a family made their way to the bridge. A young child held hands with her parents as they swung her up into the air. Each time they did, she squealed and laughed, kicking her legs in pure joy. That image encompassed what I wanted: happiness and a family of my own. At the moment, between the fight with my mother and Ridge choosing Amber, that dream felt faraway. But a voice seemed to whisper that it wasn’t entirely out of reach. If I could find it in my heart to forgive Ridge and love him again, maybe I could find space to love and forgive others. My mother included.
As soon as I reached the mouth of American Fork Canyon and gained service, I pulled to the side of the road and called my mother.
“I’m not talking to you.” Mother’s voice was irritated, but at least she’d answered.
“I understand, but that doesn’t mean you can’t listen to me.” I took her silence as a good sign and continued talking. “I’m sorry. I lashed out at you, and I shouldn’t have.”
More silence.
“I guess,” I paused, taking a breath. “I guess your constant pushing just makes me feel…smothered and inadequate. Like I’ve failed in some essential part of being human. When you push so hard, it makes me think I’m not enough, not on my own, at least. Like I need someone else to protect me and make me enough for you.”
I heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line but pushed through. Now that I’d started, I needed to get the words out.
“Every guy you’ve ever set me up with, every single one, has been a dud. Well, I guess until Jefferson, but you get my point. I’ve gone on dates with guys who wouldn’t talk to me, guys who talked about their mothers the entire time, guys who wouldn’t stop talking long enough for me to say anything. There have been guys who wouldn’t stop staring at their phones, guys who lectured me for glancing at my phone. I even went on a date with a guy who took me to dinner and made me feel guilty about every single bite I ate. All because you said ‘they were perfect for me’ because they had a ‘great personality’ or something else along those lines. It makes me wonder, if those guys are ‘perfect for me,’ then what’s wrong with me to make you think that?”
“Oh, honey,” Mother breathed into the phone, and I knew in that moment that at least one hard conversation in my life would be worth it.
“Since my first year of college, I’ve felt like all we ever talk about is dating and when I’ll finally get married so I can move into a house down the street, safe under your umbrella of protection. Did it ever occur to you that I want a family, though maybe not the house down the street? I’ve tried, so hard, to find someone to love, but it just hasn’t happened. I even got engaged, and it didn’t work out! I love my life, but it’s lonely. I want someone to share it with, but I want the right someone. I want to be excited to come home at the end of the day, not because I’m done with work, but because I get to tell the love of my life all about it. I want what you and Dad have, a partnership. Sometimes you clash, but I can see that you love each other, that you watch out for each other, that no matter what, you’re there for each other. That’s what I want.”
“That’s what I want for you too,” Mother said, and for the first time in my life, I believed her. “You just never talk about dating, and I worry. I worry about you being alone. Ever since the accident, I can’t seem to turn off the worry.”
I paused for a moment, giving her words a chance to sink in. We were making progress, and I needed to choose my next words carefully.
