Page 67 of Losing Sleep
Which brought us to this moment, me fidgeting in her car, desperate to find something to do with the anxious energy filling my veins.
“This is a terrible idea. Let me out here. I’ll walk back or get a ride share or something.” I gestured to the neighborhood we were passing. I lived several miles away, but I could make the walk. The movement would release the nerves dancing in my belly. A walk would also help me clear my head and make better life decisions than professing my feelings to a guy I wasn’t sure even liked me anymore.
“Love is a Battlefield”by Pat Benatar streamed out of the speakers, a song choice that, in retrospect, might not have been my best idea.
Tory glanced at me before hitting the door lock. “I am not letting you out to run away again. If you are going to be a coward, you’ll have to do the full walk of shame from the trailhead.”
“A good friend would take me home,” I muttered, folding my arms over my chest and redoubling my knee bouncing.
“Maybe, but a best friend would save you from yourself and force you to be brave.”
I let out a huff of air, knowing she was right. It was part of why I’d made her my accomplice in my plan. Left to my own devices, I would chicken out.
“Also,” Tory added as she turned onto the street that led to the trailhead, “I’m doing everyone who’s had to spend time with you this last week a huge favor. No more back and forth. No more stewing. It’s time to act.”
“Rude!” Laughing, I gently smacked her arm. “But have I been that bad?”
Tory shook her head. “No. I’m teasing. You’ve actually been a good distraction for me.”
Sadness flitted across her face, and I reached over, giving her arm a gentle squeeze.
“Trent’s an idiot,” I said, without hesitation.
“Was he? You and I even talked about it. I could see how he—”
I lifted a hand. “Stop right there. You and Trent talked. You explained your relationship with Brad and even took steps to distance yourself and set boundaries. Brad left your birthday trip early, for heaven’s sake. It’s on Trent that he couldn’t handle your friendship.”
“But—”
“No buts. You deserve better than a man who can’t handle your personality and love for other people so he dumps you the day after your birthday trip.”
We pulled into the parking lot, and my stomach dropped as I saw who waited at the trailhead: Grey. He looked good. His beard was trimmed, his hair was mussed from the wind. He wore basketball shorts, hiking boots, and a green t-shirt, and a part of me missed his flannels.
“Youdeserve better than questions and what-ifs.” Tory gave me a gentle nudge, pushing me towards the door.
I climbed out and tugged down my blue “Pepsi kind of day” t-shirt, wondering if I should have dressed up a bit more than workout leggings and a messy bun. But I shook off the impulse and walked towards Grey, both praying for and dreading the moment he looked up and saw me coming. Did he even want to see me?
“Grey. How’s it going?” I flinched at the inane greeting. Was that really the best I could do? We hadn’t talked in days. Surely there was a better way to greet him.Walk any beaches lately? How goes the unicorn hunt? Do you still hate pina coladas?
His eyes darted to my face, taking me in for a moment, before looking away to scan the parking lot. “Audrey. I didn’t know you were coming. Tory didn’t say anything.”
I shrugged. “I asked her not to. I worried that if you knew…” I trailed off.
“I’m not that big of a coward. Just a commitment-phobe who apparently plays with hearts and runs away to exotic destinations like Oregon.”
I flinched at the unspoken accusation. I deserved that, but I hoped Grey could look past the pain I’d caused and give me another chance. “Listen, that’s part of why I’m here. I want to apologize.”
“Apologize for what? You don’t owe me anything, Audrey. We’re two people with mutual friends who happened to share a long car ride and a vacation together.” Grey turned to face me, reaching to grab my arm out of habit before pulling back, as if remembering we were no longer the kind of friends who touched.
“We did also share a bed,” I said before I could think better of it. I shook my head, ignoring his smirk and pressing forward. I had to get this out now, or I’d always regret it.
“What if ‘friends’ isn’t all I want us to be?” I breathed out the words, digging deep for a boldness that felt foreign.
Grey searched my face, and I bit my lip, trying not to overthink this moment. Instead, I reached for his hand, rubbing my fingers over his knuckles and feeling the calluses that covered his palms.
My anxieties bubbled near the surface, but I pushed them down. Determined to finally say my piece, to be brave and bold and all the other characteristics Grey had claimed to see in me throughout our trip.
“I ran away in Island Park because I was scared. I told you my history. I don’t like risks, and liking you, possibly dating you, feels like the biggest risk of all. Bigger even than driving up a mountain road at night. Yet, I can’t imagine living my life hiding from the world and only doing what makes me comfortable. I want to lose sleep, stargazing and watching stupid movies. Iwant to wander, jumping into rivers and climbing mountains.” My fingers brushed the necklace at my throat, and Grey followed the movement, his gaze heating before returning to my face. “I want—” My words caught in my throat for a moment, and I looked away from Grey, gathering my nerve. “I want to lose my heart to someone like you.”
