Page 23 of Losing Sleep
“Or Geode.” I nodded sagely, biting back a smile.
“Granite.”
“Schist,” I said, picking the worst rock-related name I could possibly think of, courtesy of a geology class I’d taken my first year of college.
Grey burst out laughing. “I’ll have to keep that name in mind for my future children. Schist sounds like a good strong character-building name.”
My laughter joined his as the music changed to “Carry On My Wayward Son”by Kansas. I bobbed my head to the music, lost in thoughts about my family.
“What are Lily and Poppy like?” Grey asked, pulling me back into the conversation.
“They look nothing alike. They think it’s hilarious to tell people they’re twins and watch the confusion.” I reached for my phone to pull up a picture but realized I would have to show Grey later, when he wasn’t driving. “Lily has blonde hair, blue eyes, and skin so fair she burns if she even thinks about going outside. Poppy has brown hair like mine, though hers has a bit of curl to it. She’s got green eyes and the biggest smile. Lily is all things tomboy and Poppy is definitely the princess. The two are inseparable most of the time.”
“It sounds like you’re close,” Grey observed.
My cheeks were starting to hurt from the constant smiling that always accompanied conversations about my sisters. “I’ve lived in a different state their entire lives, but I do my best to be present in their lives. Lots of video calls and trips to California make a huge difference.”
“They sound like a lot of fun,” Grey said.
“They definitely keep Mom and Dave on their toes.” Affection filled my tone. It had been far too long since I’d seen my sisters. I’d have to do a video call when I got home.
The conversation petered out, and I racked my brain for something else to say. The music changed to another song, the beat and growling guitar of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You”filling the silence.
“What about you? I mean, your family.” I stumbled on the words as I tried to transition the conversation away from me. I took a deep breath and tried again. “Your turn. Tell me about your family.”
I dropped my feet to the floor and shifted in my seat to better face Grey, the faux leather sticking slightly to my legs. Grey took a moment to gather his thoughts, and I watched him as he stared out the windshield, trees flying past on both sides of the road.
“Up until about three years ago, I would have told you we were a normal, average Utah family. My dad worked an officejob. My mom was a teacher so she could have summers off with me and my brother. Mason is two years younger than me, so we fought like siblings do. But we also protected and watched out for each other. Mason was finishing college, and I was bouncing between jobs, trying to find the right fit. And then, it all changed. Dad died from a heart attack, and Mom…Mom’s been lost ever since.”
Grey paused for a moment, taking a few deep breaths before continuing. I sat still, not sure what to say and afraid to break the moment with the wrong movement or comment. The moment felt like the night before, heavy and filled with vulnerability.
“Mom still works, still goes through the motions, but her anxiety runs rampant, and she tends to panic over the slightest change. Mason couldn’t handle her constant hovering and phone calls, so he took the first out-of-state job he could get and only comes home when he absolutely has to, which doesn’t include major holidays.” Grey’s voice had grown small and quiet. “Though he’s recently become convinced all our problems would be fixed if Mom got a change of scenery and we all moved to Oregon with him.”
My heart ached at the sadness and strain written on Grey’s face. Worry lines appeared at the corners of his eyes as he white-knuckled the steering wheel.
“I’m so sorry.”
He blew out a breath, his cheeks puffing out with the motion. “Me too. It’s hard.” He paused, swallowing and working to gather his emotions. “Most people don’t know what to say, so it’s not exactly something I broadcast to the world. I’m just doing my best to keep my family from falling apart.”
“And trying not to fall apart yourself.” Sympathy filled my voice, and I gave his shoulder a squeeze. His hand came up, resting on mine for just a moment before releasing it. He seemed to appreciate and accept my meager attempt at comfort. If thestruggles of my childhood followed by Mom’s accident and Lyle dumping me had taught me anything, it was how to appear fine while secretly falling apart inside.
“I think you’re the first person I’ve told who actually understands.” He gave a dry, humorless laugh. “Everyone else just tells me to stick Mom in therapy and do what’s best for me. But it’s not that simple.”
“There are no easy fixes,” I said, nodding my understanding. I’d received similar advice after Mom’s accident, being told to let Dave handle it even though Mom’s recovery was long and she had two young children to care for.
“Losing Dad was just so unexpected, and we each handled it differently. Mason ran away. Mom tries to control everything.”
“And how do you handle it?” I winced as soon as the question was out, knowing it was probably the wrong thing to ask. Yet, I didn’t want the moment to fade, becoming just another awkward conversation I wasn’t sure how to navigate.
“I try to live everyday like it could be my last. I don’t want to look back on life with regret. Because…” He hesitated, unable to finish the thought.
“Because ‘not all who wander are lost’?” I quipped back, knowing it didn’t make any sense but certain it was somehow the right thing to say.
Grey gave a small laugh, the color returning to his knuckles as he loosened his grip on the steering wheel.
“Exactly. I want to wander and get lost and experience the world. My dad actually introduced me to that quote. He was obsessed withTheLord of the Rings.He talked about going on epic adventures all the time. How someday, when he had more money, more time, we’d visit all the national parks, fly to various countries, see everything the world had to offer.”
He grew quiet, as if processing all the things his dad would have never done. The atmosphere in the car was heavy and thick, filled with loss and regret.
