Page 61 of Losing Sleep
“She mentioned that you’re a hard guy to pin down, that’s all. Something about how you’re just passing through on your way to the next job out of state. Why would that have anything to do with me leaving?” I attempted to shrug it off, pretend her words hadn’t stung.
Grey pushed to his feet, pacing in front of the bank of windows that reflected our current scene. I couldn’t help but wonder if the Grey and Audrey reflected back at us stood a chance. If they had any hope for the possibility of a future together.
“I told you, I’m not going anywhere. My mom needs me.”
“Just until you leave for Oregon, right? Or are you taking her with you?” The words spilled out before I could think better of it, and I clamped a hand over my mouth, wishing I could call them back.
“Who said anything about Oregon?” His eyebrows pinched together, confusion battling with frustration on his face.
“I heard you talking about it. Something about a good job offer.” I repeated the words I’d heard in the hallway, wishing my voice wasn’t filled with bitterness.
“It’s…that’s…” Grey stuttered, trying to find the words. “I’m not going anywhere. My brother’s trying to convince me and Mom to move up there. I told him I’d talk to her, nothing else.”
“And if she wants to go?” I could imagine it: his mom, a woman given the opportunity to be with both her sons, Grey finally finding help with his mom’s anxiety. It wasn’t an easy image to dismiss.
“Then I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. What does it matter? I’m here now.”
“It matters to me!” I shot to my feet, stalking towards him. My emotion forced me to move, to pace, to process.
“Why? Why does it matter to you?” Grey all but shouted, stepping towards me, and suddenly I noticed our proximity. If I reached out, I could wrap my arms around him, pull him close.
I stumbled back half a step, and he continued forward until my calves bumped the couch, preventing my escape.
“Why does it matter to you?” he repeated, this time with a whisper that held worlds of possibility.
I bit my lip, and his eyes dropped, registering the motion.
“It…I…” I stammered, words failing me as my gaze darted to his lips. I had spent the entire trip wondering what they would feel like. All it would take was pushing up onto my toes and—
Grey’s lips crashed onto mine before I could finish the thought, demanding answers I was too afraid to speak out loud. His beard rasped against my skin, tantalizing me, leaving me wondering why I’d dated men without facial hair for so long. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his warmth, and my hands moved to rest against his chest, grasping his shirt and steadying me in his embrace. Our mouths tangled in a dance I never wanted to end, which is why it had to stop.
Mustering all my self-control, I gave him a gentle push, hardly anything noticeable. Grey noticed, pulling back to look at me. I couldn’t school my features fast enough, and I was certain hesaw the raw desire on my face, but he also must have seen the fear and hesitation because he released me, stepping back and giving me space.
I pulled in great gasps of air, my lungs struggling to recover from the best kiss of my life. After a moment, I spoke, the words coming out quiet and breathy.
“I can’t risk another heartbreak. I can’t let you in, only for you to run away the first chance you get. I won’t survive.” The words were raw, a direct glimpse at my heart.
Grey expelled a disbelieving breath, shaking his head. “I’m not the one running away. I’m right here.”
“For how long? I haven’t known you long, but I do know you have a wanderer’s heart. How long before the call becomes too great and you leave? It might not be Oregon, not now, but it’ll be somewhere, someday, soon.” The words felt like shards of glass as I forced them out, the pain inescapable, but my fear too great to contain.
“Don’t blame this on me. I told you I’m not going anywhere. We both know this is about you. You’re afraid and blaming it on me to try to justify stopping this before it begins.” He reached out as if to cup my cheek, but drew his hand back, letting it hang limply at his side.
“Afraid? Of what, do tell?” I crossed my arms over my chest, doing my best to hold myself together. I could fall apart later.
“Of having fun, of living your life, of breaking from the plan and maybe wandering off course. Of possibly being happy.” His voice grew soft on the last words, almost like a caress.
My breath hitched, and I reared back like I’d been slapped. “Who said I’m not happy?”
“Call it a wild guess.”
“I don’t need some guy I just met telling me how to live my life. Before you go handing out life advice, maybe you should take a good, close look at your own.”
With those words, I turned on my heel and stormed into my room, slamming the door behind me. I stood there, frozen, leaning against the door and trying my best to breathe deep. I could see the shock and hurt in Grey’s eyes at my words, but even more haunting was the truth and vulnerability in his face as he’d talked about happiness.
I pushed away from the door, trying to dislodge the sting of Grey’s words and the memory of his kiss. Iwashappy. I had security and stability. I had a business degree and a steady job. I had a dog and a 401(k). I had followed the checklist. I was happy, I really was.
If I said it enough times to myself, I might even believe it.
