Page 6 of Losing Sleep
Grey guffawed, and I opened my eyes to see him shaking his head, laughter lines deepening around his eyes, surprise filling his features.
“You don’t sugar coat things, do you?” His voice lacked judgment, filled instead with curiosity.
“Normally, I’m pretty nice. But hours in the car listening to someone talk incessantly about food changes a woman. Do you do anything besides talk, eat, and talk about eating?” This was why I didn’t interact with new people. My filter broke, and I never knew what would come out of my mouth.
Just ask them questions about themselves, indeed. My mom’s advice had gone awry once more.
At work, I was able to bite back my thoughts in the name of professionalism and keeping a stable job. Out in the wild,meeting people and attempting a social life, all bets were off. It still amazed me that I’d managed to convince Mallory, Chloe, Emily, and Tory to be my friends. Though Emily’s friendship hadn’t lasted.
When I’d dated Lyle, he’d regularly shared his shock at the things I said. It left me feeling uncertain and ready to retreat back into my safe introvert shell. If Lyle were here, he’d point out how I was butchering the exchange. Yet, Grey’s reaction was completely different. He almost seemed relieved to have me talking, no matter the snark level.
I pushed the doubts away and refocused on Grey and the conversation in front of me.
“I also enjoy eating while talking and talking while eating. Some would argue these are the same, but I disagree. It all depends on which is your priority in the moment.” Grey didn’t miss a beat, one of his eyebrows quirking up in a challenge as if daring me to argue with him.
I paused, surprised at his quick comeback, and bit back a smile. “It may be time to look for alternative hobbies.”
“Maybe you can help me with that. What are your hobbies?”
The question caught me off-guard. It was a perfectly normal and natural direction for our conversation to take, yet I was left scrambling. Once upon a time, before Lyle had destroyed my heart, my list of hobbies had seemed endless. Hobbies had been something my mom and I shared. She’d jump from one source of entertainment to another, taking me along for the ride. I’d picked up each interest, hoping this one would be the one to hold her attention and lead to a career and routine. They never had, but many of the interests had stuck with me, acting as entertainment on the nights mom was out late working one waitress job or another. Between classic rock, baking, and hiking, I stayed busy. But those were activities that didn’t fit intoa life that revolved around Lyle, so one by one, they’d faded from my world, and I hadn’t found the energy to bring them back.
Now, my life seemed to revolve around yoga, sweatpants, and binging shows. And the occasional phone call with my mom, in which she told me to “loosen up” and “live a little,” the sounds of my seven-year-old half-sisters filling the background.
“How are my hobbies going to help you expand yours?” I asked, dodging the question.
“You seem to have such well-informed opinions on my hobbies. I figured you must be well-adjusted and heavily involved in all kinds of uplifting endeavors based on your commentary.” Grey glanced my way, and I schooled my features, refusing to let him see that he’d gotten to me.
“You’re mocking me.”
“Correction,” he held up a finger to underscore his point, “I’m teasing you, and you started it. Also, you still haven’t answered my question.” Grey looked at me, challenging me to prove him wrong.
“I like baking.” It wasn’t a complete lie. I still baked, mostly chocolate chip cookies when I had a free moment on Sundays, but that counted. Right?
“Doesn’t count. It involves food.”
“Who made you the hobby judge?”
“My car, my rules.”
I shook my head, rising to the bait. It had been a long time since I’d bantered with someone other than my roommates, even if he managed to entertain and annoy me simultaneously.
“I walk my dog every day.” It wasn’t quite the same level of physical fitness and activity as hiking, but I did it regularly.
“You don’t have a yard, so walking your dog is a necessity, not an area of interest.” Grey’s tone was light, non-judgmental, and yet it still poked at me.
“I like music and yoga.” The words tasted sour and desperate on my tongue as I stared at my hands, twisting them in my lap. Why I needed to prove to this bearded man that I had a well-rounded life was beyond me. Yet, I refused to acknowledge that the bulk of my time away from work was spent pretending I was fine with how my life was playing out.
“I’ll allow that. Though, two hobbies are hardly an indicator of a well-rounded human. I, at least, have three: ‘talking, eating, and talking about eating.’” Grey quoted my logic back to me, and I looked up to see him raise a finger for each hobby, wiggling them in triumph to underscore his point.
“You just said anything food-related doesn’t count, so that leaves you with only one.” I reached over, folding down two of his fingers, leaving only the index finger waving back at me. This was perhaps the oddest argument I’d ever had, and yet, I didn’t want it to stop. Even if it left me feeling slightly off kilter.
“The good news is you have yet to ask me for my hobbies, so chances are good I’ve got a couple of secret weapons up my sleeve.” Grey brushed at one of his shirt sleeves, indicating hordes of hobbies lurking just beneath the green fabric.
His tone softened. “We might even have a full conversation for some of this drive as opposed to one based on my rambling and your monosyllabic responses.” Grey quirked an eyebrow and his lips pulled into a small smile as he waited for my reply. It seemed he could read my discomfort and was doing his best to both call me on it while coaxing me out of the aforementioned introvert shell.
His words stung as I realized their accuracy, digging up personal doubts that had haunted me most of my life. Grey’s entire conversation may have been flat and focused on a single topic, but my responses hardly provided the material for a stimulating conversation. I was used to fading into the background letting others—my mom, Lyle, Emily—shine in thespotlight. I didn’t know what I’d find if I let the beam shine on me too brightly for too long.
I took a deep breath. I could give Grey this much. I could try to join the conversation.
